falling in & out of love @ the same time WHAT?
- tamarweir8
- Jan 29
- 9 min read
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir
What does it mean to fall in love? And to fall out of love?
When I try to answer these big life questions, I find myself always going back to poetry. It soothes my soul and although indirectly, always gets me to where I need to be. Whether that's in bed in tears, with goosebumps reading more and more, or somewhere in between those two emotional states. As I did my research and deep dive for this article, I found this poem that alludes to the process of falling in love. Another beautiful queer icon who wrote about her love for other women is Wu Tsao. She was a Chinese Poet in the Qing Dynasty who wrote erotic poems shaped by her deep intimate connections with other women.
“Then we paint each other’s beautiful eyebrows.
I want to possess you completely –
Your jade body
And your promised heart.”
For some people, falling in love is as natural of a process as any, not requiring too much thinking but rather emphasizing the feeling that comes from within almost as if it just happens. For others, it's a more active process requiring lots of time and thought as they balance the feelings and thoughts they have with another person/people and the merging of time and space.
For me, my versions of being in love have looked a lot different depending on the year and the season; the version of myself and my truths. My first high school relationship was an emotionally abusive and manipulative one. I was 16 years old and was still figuring out what values, desires, and needs I had in a partnership. I was fumbling my way around defining these big concepts of what it means to fall in love, have sex, and feel connected to another person. At this time I had no idea polyamory or other relationship structures even existed, and did have some queer awareness but did not identify as queer at the time. So when I entered this first monogamous relationship, I bended and fused myself with what my partner wanted. His attention gave me value, I felt it added to my life and gave me status. His male gaze made me feel validated in my existence and when he told me what to do I often times accepted thinking that this is love, that this is what being in a relationship means, right? Only after inviting him to a family vacation in Lake Tahoe did I break up with him... This was after my older brother witnessed him being unkind to me, and had a heart to heart with me about our dynamic. This spoke to me because my brother is not a particularly emotional person, so to hear this message come from him really impacted me and shocked me to the point where I knew it had to be done. Later that week I drove to my boyfriends house and ended our relationship, us in my car outside his house, him begging me to stay with tears running down his face and me holding my needs above his for once, telling him to get out of my car. Boy bye.
I go back to this story because it reflects the ways in which so many people enter into relationships, with fear that the other person will leave them and feeling like they are not enough just for being who they are and existing. Love is an interesting thing, especially in a society so obsessed with people coupling up, and the validity that people give when they see a married couple, versus a solo person just enjoying their own space and company.
In my research in all things love, I came across the Anarchist Library website that includes this really thoughtful piece titled, "Love as a Revolutionary Social Ethic" where they discuss in detail topics like going beyond romance, love in the time of capitalist hegemony, radical compassion....
Of course, capitalism is proficient at co-opting and commodifying everything- even love. But love is capable of exceeding and opposing the logic of capitalist value structures. Love offers us a way to see human and non-human life beyond their “usefulness”, as intrinsically valuable. Therefore, love is a radically anti-capitalist logic. A revolutionary love ethic insists that overturning the capitalist hegemony and fulfilling our social and emotional needs are deeply intertwined. Love is both a philosophical orientation of the spirit, a material framework of relating, and a fundamental pillar of our political principles.
To harness love’s power as a radical social ethic means expanding beyond love as a purely private affair of romance or an ephemeral mystery. Revolutionary love is not as much a relationship to a person or specific people, but an expansion which recognizes the wellbeing of others as inextricably intertwined with our own.
And although conceptually speaking ever since beginning my non monogamist and polyamory journey, I have envisioned being in love with many people at the same time, either due to moving around a lot, the global pandemic, life stages/structures, and compatibility, up until my last relationship I had not had this experience in the flesh.
It is very DIFFERENT to want or envision something versus to have this experience in the flesh as I like to say.
AND one day it happened. I moved to Mexico, while being in a relationship with my partner who wanted to stay in the United States. During my first few months in Mexico, I obviously downloaded tinder, and to my surprise started to really connect with someone. It wasn't my intention to get into a more committed and serious partnership, as I had recently moved and my main goal was just to meet new people and get out of my comfort zone.... But as we started spending more and more time together our bond grew stronger. In my head I often times, told myself that this little connection would not "go anywhere" because although I have studied spanish my whole life, I still felt widely incapable of having a personality and letting my true essence shine. For those of you who speak multiple languages you will know what I mean with this sentiment. As the months went on, I acknowledged my feelings of curiosity were turning into deeper feelings of love.... This process was filled with joyous moments, but also with many solo walks thinking to myself how do I balance in my body being in love with two people in two countries, with two very different personalities, and in two languages... AHHHHHH. Not easy.
Fast forward a little while, and another huge shift had happened. One day after being in my first queer relationship of 3 years, my partner broke up with me over facetime. I was living in Oaxaca, Mexico still and they were in California. We had planned to meet the following week on my 3 week vacation to visit family and friends, but they could no longer wait and so sometime around March of 2024, we had our big break up over facetime, as I sat outside on the steps watching the sunset. Although we had been struggling to be aligned and connected for a while, I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship. To give up everything we had shared over the many years of knowing each other, living together, and then at the end living apart.
I was in shock, and in disbelief even though in my body I knew that we had been growing in different directions and no longer seemed like we were on the same page. I cried and cried and pondered how I was to move through this pain while also being present for my partnership with my newer relationship. That same night a few hours later, I debated whether or not to cancel my plans with my partner in Mexico. We had plans to go out and dance together, our love for movement was something that always connected us. I had a lot of pent up energy while also feeling emotionally exhausted so I communicated that to him and we decided that we would still go out for a night on the town with the awareness that we could change our minds at anytime. I had some extra molly at the time, and that was also part of our original plan for the evening, so as we sat on the historic street corner of the romantically lit up cobblestone we swallowed.
These pills were a little older so their effect was questionable and more of a surprise, we didn't expect much as often times when we went out we were completely sober anyways and still danced more than anyone else there lol. After dancing for hours, we embarked on the bike ride back to my place, a 45 min ride up the mountain. It felt less hard than usual which normally had me sweating from top to bottom. We sat in the backyard and looked at the stars, I had deep sadness within me and didn't know where to put it. Did my small body have enough room for this? A few days later I was to depart back to the United States for a few weeks and I just remember my partner hugging me and telling me that he genuinely wished that my time with my family brought me some peace and that he had the space to hold some of my sadness with me. I talked about all my fears of being too much with everything I was feeling and my fear that this would not show my strength while also loving and wanting to be strong for him.
What I learned from that moment, is how powerful it is to be witnessed, and the reverse to witness. Having a partner fully embrace me with tenderness in something that was new for me, and in an environment where I felt very weak and tender, created and opened a softness within me. I loved him so much in that moment, although I would not verbally express my love for him for a few more weeks.... It was officially brewing inside of me.
Throughout the months the breakup began to get easier, as I shed the tears, wrote in my diary many pages, and began to process the beauty of our connection while honoring my anger and pent up emotions too. It was important for me to be able to talk to my partner about what was organically happening in my body, and how some days I was feeling confused as internally I was battling feeling very low, but then having great boosts of dopamine from my new feelings of love for my current partner.
He was very patient with me, as this was something we were both actively experiencing for the first time. Something extremely useful to mention is that, he was not my primary support system with these feelings. What I mean by that is I came to my family and friends for my daily or weekly support and processing, rather than all of that going to him. Even though he was always ready to dive deep with me if that's what I needed, and frequently checked in, what I've learned in past relationships is that it is so crucial to have a network of support, and that can include trees, objects, or things that bring you comfort even if they are not other humans!!
It is so EASY to feel like relationships are more valid and significant if they last forever. You see this echoed in movies, books, and in the ways we talk about relationships to people. There is something special about being able to reflect on a time 20 years ago where you had a core memory with someone, but are new shared memories less significant? Especially in the normalized framework for dating that tries to establish a set timeframe for the connection and validity through adhering to this societal model. This is called the relationship escalator and if you decide or create relationships that don't follow this flow it is very easy to feel alone because you are carving your own path!
Nothing lasts forever, relationships, sunsets, reading your favorite book, sadness, happiness, life, that itch, it's all temporary. Through being in love, in grief, and in love again, I have learned that relationships do not need to last forever or to follow a certain path for them to be successful.
Even successful relationships can and do end. Life is multifaceted, its expansive, and it's constantly changing, and our relationships are embedded within all that chaos, and change.
Does that change my desire for deep connections and unions with people? No.
Does that make me less interested in creating new relationships? No.
Does that make me feel sad sometimes? Yes.
Does that shift the way I view other aspects in my life? Yes.
Does that confuse me when trying to build for my future? Sometimes.
Does it confuse my family? Yes.
Does that make me less of a believer of love? No.
What does a successful relationship look like to you?
And how can you notice when it's time to let go?
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