"I just couldn't do it" an investigation into non monogamy, polyamory, or whatever you want to call it.
- tamarweir8
- Jan 14, 2025
- 14 min read
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir
My first official boyfriend was a narcissist, and an emotionally abusive 15 year old white boy. He was sorta charming in the I'm going to be mean to you kind of way. He was a guy who liked to eat his burgers completely plain, I mean nothing other than bun and meat... He was like that in other ways too, very particular, it had to be his way. As a 15 year old, figuring out this large concept of love, lust, and intimacy, I trusted the words he said, I fell into this relationship where I felt responsible for not only my own emotions but for his completely and fully every moment of the day. He had no emotional intelligence or awareness, and although I did, I was unfamiliar with asking for what I needed emotionally and sexually. This was all new to me. This attention from a boy, who wanted me. Some core memories I have from our time together was me giving him a blow job in his parents shower and his mom walking in on us and the absolute look of shame she had on her face. I remember him crashing my beloved families car and forcing me to say that I was the one driving, keeping his secret for years. He still owes me thousands of dollars and an apology. I remember going to his family's easter party and eating lots of shrimp, unfamiliar in the cold space. I remember having my first sexual experiences with him, centering our sexual nights around his pleasure, his penis, his orgasm, and his body. I don't remember once having an orgasm, maybe there was one splashed in there once or twice for the year we dated, but the fact that I don't remember ever having experienced an orgasm with him probably means it was so uneventful or nonexistent. I remember driving to his house to break up with him, him in my car not getting out, begging me to take him back, me waiting and waiting raising my voice begging him to get out of my car, and the biggest deep breath I took after he walked away in tears.
This relationship taught me that although you can walk into romance with great intentions and an open heart, not all people are ready to receive and love you the way that feels good for you, the way that you need to thrive. He was emotionally coercive, abusive, and manipulative, and unfortunately this situation and relationship dynamic is very common. According to the Childrens Hospital of Philidelphia, 1 in 3 teens in the U.S are a victim of intimate partner violence, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual or verbal. From talking with close friends, I am not alone in this first love story, many have recounted dramatic stories of feeling so lost and hurt by their first sexual or romantic experiences as a teen.
Fast forward a few years, many sexual encounters later, many uncomfortable and awkward sexual moments, and many evenings figuring out what I liked. My first year of college, was an expansive and extremely explorative time in my life, I allowed myself to question all the narratives I had heard about love. Some being, that eventually you will find the person who is your other half, two peas in a pod. Another being, that when you really love someone you dedicate yourself to that person, and you don't need other relationships anymore, that one person is enough and more. Up until 2018, I had never questioned those phrases you hear about monogamous love, the phrases that are in all the movies, but being away from home and choosing to explore relationship dynamics was a core memory of my college experience.
As a freshman, I wanted to gather all the experiences I could, I said yes to everything, even the things that now looking back I could have said no to, but in that moment, saying yes to everything felt so empowering and powerful. I allowed myself to say yes to things that made me feel uncomfortable, to things that the Tamar I knew would have not done, to things that I had no idea how they would make me feel. I started reading, and really reading. I would dive into books like "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, Janet Hardy or "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern. Another impactful read was, "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan. I would read these books, and highlight the shit out of them, running out of ink, filling up the pages with my curiosities. I read "Oh Joy Sex Toy" by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan, which opened my awareness to a vast world of sexual possibilities. To read some amazing comics that give humor to these deep and dense topics, I will include their website here.
My first experience with polyamory was in that first year of college. I started dating a guy who at the time had already been quite experienced in polyamory, was older, and a free flow artistic guy. I was immediately drawn to his creative and open spirit, his curiosity for life, and the way that he introduced me to a whole new way of creating intimacy. I was excited to dive deep into what I had been reading, and feel the feelings in real life. We dated on and off for a few years, some of them being more serious and other months more casual and infrequent. I remember feeling insecure many nights, many moments of inexperience in what I wanted in each moment and if that was my truth or just me saying what I only knew to be true from the societal scripts about romance. There was a lot of unlearning to be had. A lot of explaining to people about this adventure that I was on to find myself. Most people assumed that because I was in college this was just a phase, something to explore while you are young and free, untethered to a place and person. So they accepted or tolerated this new found relational way of being that I came to love. While, my first polyamorous relationship in many ways was not the healthiest, full of gaslighting from his part, breaking of many boundaries, and unclear communication, I am immensely grateful for the ways that it taught me to search and speak up for the things that I do know I desire, and the things that I do not yet know, but allow to be possibilities.
Throughout my time during the first few years of my exploration, I dated all sorts of people. Artists, skaters, frat guys, surfers, musicians, gym guys, spirituals, nerdy people, dancers, and lots of other random people. I explored saying the words, "I am in an open relationship, I am in a polyamorous relationship, I am seeing other people too". Many people I dated tried to convince me to be monogamous with them, many... and many times I had to learn the difference between what was the best for me in that moment vs what would be the best for me long term. Of course, in those moments, my body wanted to cave in and be monogamous with those people, after all I did like them, we had a connection, and they wanted me, well they wanted me in a monogamous relationship. But the larger part of me deep down, knew that by not honoring the desire and deep authenticity of my relationship exploration at the time I would be putting my own needs and wants to the side. It was hard, it was really hard to say goodbye to really sweet people that I so wanted to stay with. Polyamory for me in the beginning was learning to love myself enough to try to feel new things, to sit with my discomfort, and to later learn to say no to what would not serve me in my mission towards more expansion.
During these few years I learned the hard lessons of balance, of finding my inner voice in moments of confusion and a lot about jealousy.....
In the investigation for more rawness and realness, I continued this journey with my new partner, whom I had met from a dear friend. He was a surfer, and into plants. He had long flowy hair and this california surfer white boy vibe, so naturally I fell into this nature, ocean romance. We were together for a year, and off and on for a bit after that, before he threatened to call the cops on me and my friend for asking for my stuff back. Slamming the door in my friends face. In this relationship I grew into my style, my desires, my boundaries, and my curiosities. This was the first more serious relationship I had had in polyamory, which meant I was creating my own blueprints to intimacy. I was feeling into what mattered to me, and how I wanted to feel. Instead of two peas in a pod, I wanted many peas in a pod, I wanted open conversations, I wanted to work through the jealousy and not let it take over me. I wanted to be able to talk about my attraction to other people, and to laugh. I wanted to explore my sexuality, explore my body that I was still getting to know in many ways.
A part of me died in that relationship and in those few years where I recreated what it meant to be loved and to love. And I know that sounds very dramatic, but I do feel that in order for me to fully step into this role of a young woman, stepping outside of society's narrative and into my own, I had to make drastic changes to the ways I saw society, love, death, and intimacy as a whole. Honoring the part of me that loved deep conversations, that loved to be loyal to those around me, who was a natural caretaker, natural lover, and fierce fighter, but also honor the new parts of myself that were sprouting. The badass who cried hard, the girl who was learning when it was time to let go, and the girl who searched for her pleasure not waiting for it to come but actively seeking it out, unapologetically. And during those hard ass moments where I would be listening to my partner tell me their lust and desire for someone else, my heart literally jumping out of my body, my breathing so hard and fast, my focus on listening, my being completely uncomfortable, but not wanting to react, I birthed another part of me. The part that I nurture to this day, the part that feels compassion and joy for the love of my partners, even when a part of me inside feels insecure or jealous. I learned some tools for that, so that when I felt completely out of control with fear of my partner finding something better with that other person, I could come back to myself, ground myself, and ask for what I needed to feel seen while my partner could be seen in their exploration too.
Some tools I learned along the way for helping with feelings of jealousy:
don't react right away, take some time whether that be 10 minutes, or a whole evening, just to sit with it, feel it.
while your partner is with someone else or doing the thing that makes you feel jealous, do something for you that makes you feel good.
create a ritual for your jealousy, it can be reading a book, screaming, stretching, surrounding yourself by other people who love you (family, friends, your own self), a good nap, a journal session, whatever makes you feel alive in a non destructive way.
communicate with your partner if you are feeling too jealous or are processing and need time to figure out how you feel, come to an agreement for another meeting point in the future, in 10 min, tomorrow, in a few days, in a few hours, whatever you need.
try to identify what is truly making you feel jealous, the deeper feelings behind this. For example, if you haven't seen your partner a lot this week and then you hear they go on a date with someone else, you might be feeling a deeper sense of desire for closeness, so communicating that you want more quality time would create a sense of reassurance and safety.
understand and identify the things that make you feel the most uneasy/jealous, in specific terms, the more specific the better it will be for helping you uncover your own blueprint for healing through jealousy. For example: My partner always makes me really cute romantic playlists that tell our love story and now they are making playlists for all of their other lovers, and I feel jealous because that feels like an important part of our unique love, our love for music. So instead of saying and identifying your jealousy as, "I'm jealous when my partner does nice and thoughtful things for their other partners/lovers" you can look deeper into what is really bothering you. And instead of saying " I don't want you to do nice things for your other partners because you should only prioritize me, and make me feel special" you can say something like, "Music feels like something deeply personal to our love and connection, and it made me feel jealous that you shared that sweet thing we do with your other connections, is there any way that this act can be shared between just us for now?"
release control, often times I've felt so jealous while my partner was spending time with someone else, texting someone else, telling me about someone else, that I wanted to know all the answers as a way to control the narrative, know all the facts and details to somehow categorize everything and place everything where I wanted it to be. And while, naturally I love to know information and that is just part of my personality, there was some need for me to release the control for information, for data, for categorizing, and just be present. You cannot control what your partner feels, how they think, their deep desires, their darkest insecurities, a lot of what they carry and what we carry comes from years and years of our past life experiences.
try to listen like you are a friend and not a committed lover/partner etc. What does this mean? Often times when listening we are not even listening, our hearts are pounding, we suddenly find ourselves in fight, flight, or freeze mode just surviving the moment of hearing our partner share their stories of their experiences with someone else. So next time you both are talking about something difficult like this, literally visualize yourself putting on your friend face, your friend cap. And put it on. Find the beautiful and affirming words that you would use for your best friend, your support that you love to give, find the ways that you show up tenderly when you are in friend mode, and see how that feels.
seek support, a coach, a therapist, a supportive group, you don't need to wait until you feel completely overwhelmed, it's great to seek help and assistance along the journey to assist with the process of learning and growth.
affirm yourself that jealousy is normal, that feeling jealous is natural, and that while jealousy will come up at any stage of your relationship journey, it is something that can be your friend. Instead of being scared and judging your jealousy as a weakness or fault, see this as a way to connect with yourself on a deeper level, an opportunity to unpack layers of emotions within you that often times stay in the body and never have the moment to be put into the light.
I feel like this picture of this dead lizard I found in my backyard perfectly encapsulates the experience of loving, being loved, and the death of your old self when opening up your heart for something new. It literally felt like for me that I was on this beautiful journey of amazing people around me, just like these aromatic roses, sensual, soft, beautiful, and tender, but also that I was shedding my skin, rebirthing myself into a different version of myself, that I had yet to unpack and discover. I was and am like this dead lizard, just basking in the sun, on a rock, balancing and doing the dance of honoring myself and stepping out of societal conditioning, saying goodbye to the structures that I had known my entire life, the systems for relationships in this normative western society, and saying hello to something so hard that it filled many journals, but so worth it, to be in this sun shining, with aromas and love around and within me.
How to Authentically be, when you don't know what the fuck you're doing:
So as someone who explored polyamory, open relationships and non monogamy at a young age, I found myself surrounded by people who 90% of the time were monogamous, serial monogamists. I often was the only friend or only person in the room with this identity and relationship style. And while I found community online, through books, and little by little throughout the years, it was a mostly isolating experience. Being the friend, or family member explaining to everyone what this meant, what it entails and why I do it. A coming out if you will. Explaining how I wasn't cheating, wasn't having sex every night or involved in a million love triangles with endless drama, I mean theres just not enough time in one week to be focusing on that many people for that to be possible, but yes of course there's drama, like any relationship. Something that I remember hearing often was, "I just couldn't do it I could never" and while I do support everyone making their own decisions about their body, sexuality, and intimacy, I feel that most people say this automatically. Or most people don't take a moment to breathe and visualize what their life would look like if all the structures that they knew to be true about love, marriage, partnership, 1+1=2, romance, loyalty, purity, sexuality, society, and gendered constructs were in fact not necessarily purely that way. That there are possibilities beyond what we have been socialized to think, act, and do.
I do feel that as people socialized as women, it can be especially hard to explore and be authentically trying non monogamy for the first time because society already puts so much gendered stereotypes and norms onto what our actions and thoughts supposedly mean about us because we are women. And by being women we are categorized as naturally being more emotional/jealous. We need to be more pure because if we show desire in many people and openly say we like sex or we like pleasure or we like intimacy, ooof then you're promiscuous or a slut or a hoe whatever words you use. So this further creates the difficulty and challenges for some people in starting to begin this unraveling of the self in relation to their gender and their relationship style. Something that really helped me along the journey as I found myself being judged secretly, and openly was to create openness in the ways that I said I don't know, or the ways that I learned in each new relationship and moment in my life. In one relationship we had a rule where we told each other after each time we were with another person romantically/sexually. In a different relationship we told each other only after the third time or when something was bit more serious. And in my first polyamorous relationship there were absolutely no guidelines we just did what we wanted when we wanted and figured it out, in a very messy way.....
In acknowledging and becoming aware of the fact that there was no "right" way to do this and that I was not failing at polyamory by simply having relationship challenges and communication hurdles, helped me immensely to give compassion to myself while giving myself agency to create different blueprints of love and communication that worked best for me within that relationship. Creating space to experiment and try new styles/ guidelines, allowed for me to be vulnerable and truly absorb the growth that I received from all my previous relationships. It's like every year you grow another ring of life just like a tree, and you become bigger and bigger more full of experiences, pains, joys and with that you can add and subtract these experiences lessons into your romantic relationships. You're not the same person you were last year, I definitely am not, and while your essence may always remain the same, your soul may remain the same, but your skin expands to allow for more rings, more years, more depth. Taking those new rings and giving yourself space to see how they feel in relation to others really helped me to authentically be me when I didn't really know what the fuck I was doing. And I really still don't know what i'm doing most of the time. I would like to end by adding this beautiful manifesto written by Andie Nordgren, called "The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy"
(for the longer version, I have attached the full manifesto here)
This piece is amazing! Thank you for your vulnerability; it will help others. Also, as a clinical psychologist I think your tips about jealousy are super solid and helpful.