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Written by: Tamar Simone Weir My first exposure to understanding and general awareness of ureaplasma, was 3 years ago. At the time, a friend of mine started feeling something was off in her body, she was starting to feel pain, and decided to get a full STI test screening done, only to be surprised when everything came back negative except, ureaplasma. In her results, ureaplasma was found present, in addition to the results of her boyfriend at the time. This was shocking as this was her first STI, and it was one that we both had never heard of before!! Recent data confirms that ureaplasma is frequently found in asymptomatic individuals, 14% in one 2023 study, indicating that the presence alone doesn't indicate disease and why perhaps many people are not aware of this common bacteria. As we both processed it together, we both did quite a bit of research trying to unearth information about something that was so clearly causing physical and emotional distress for my friend, and lots of confusion for the both of us. Guide to Ureaplasma, Daye Fast forward many years, and we are in the year of 2025..... One day I woke up, and started to get pain while urinating. I won't describe the full story here, but if you'd like to read more about it, I wrote a whole blog post you can check out here. Eventually after presenting my case and situation with my urologist, he recommended I get tested for the "weirder STI's" those are his words not mine..... I won't go into why that's problematic on so many levels, but I was given a test for Ureaplasma and Mycoplasma. Previously I had been tested every 3 months for a general STI screening, but most clinics do not test for all the STI's just the more common ones, therefore lots of people find themselves in these confusing situations where they think they are fully being tested, and the reality is that they are not. For many STI tests you need to actively request to have them added on, which means that if you are not presenting with symptoms that may indicate a sign for needing to be tested, or if you are a little less knowledgeable, then you probably won't know to ask your doctor to add on the additional tests.... In my case, I finally tested for these two, and sure enough, they came back positive. A part of me was hoping that my urinary and urethra pain that I was experiencing was due to the ureaplasma bacteria, making this confusing and frustrating process hopefully come to a conclusion quickly, but that was not the case.... My urologist recommended that I get on antibiotic treatment right away which was a 10 day treatment of , "Doxycycline Monohydrate". After the 10 day treatment, I was still experiencing the same amount and level of pain while urinating and was confused as to whether or not I still had ureaplasma. I waited about a month before re-testing, and once I did, my tests came back negative for both Ureaplasma and Mycoplasma.... CONFUSION GALORE While I first hand experienced this confusing STI, I was constantly faced with the uncertainty about the information I was given. Even my urologist gave me unclear advice as to treatment and care. When I asked him how long I should wait to test after finishing treatment he said anywhere from 2-4 weeks. That seems like a pretty big difference of time to me..... Then when I had researched online, many folks were suggesting different things, so picking information and cross referencing from a lot of different sources, flooded me with a lot of differing information. I think that this is a general confusion place for many folks. Many folks when trying to access information about sexual health and their bodies go to the internet for information first. Doctors and getting quick access to appointments is not always a sustainable, available, or comfortable option for folks, but the internet is often readily available especially for the younger generation. Something that I feel is really positive about folks being able to hop online to search for answers to their questions is the ability to find people who are struggling or going through a similar situation that you are facing. That feeling of finding comfort in the knowing that you are not alone, and that others are also in this with you. The comfort in the solidarity and similarity of experiences. But with the internet can come lots of fear, confusion, and misinformation. It's not an easy place to navigate that's for sure. SO, what is Ureaplasma? I feel the need to go into the details, as EVERY single person that I have told since contracting this has had no idea what this infection is. No idea. The only folks who have known have been fellow sex educators, and my friend who has had her first hand experience and that is why she knew about this!! Otherwise everyone has said, "HUH what's that?" So let's get into it! Boca Babes OBGYN, discusses how ureaplasma + mycoplasma are bacterial infections commonly found in individuals who are sexually active, but not commonly known as sexually transmitted infections. Ureaplasma has gained some popularity in conversation recently, and Biomedical engineer Giana Jarrah, discusses how although this bacteria is very persistent it is not commonly known as an STI due to the fact that many folks can have this bacteria in their healthy vaginas, bodies, and urogenital tracts. Unlike other STI's that need to be treated immediately, Ureaplasma can live inside a healthy vagina/urogenital tract without causing disturbance or stress, and an unhealthy vagina, making it a commensal bacteria. It is also a opportunistic bacteria, meaning that when the healthy bacteria is low, ureaplasma can be triggered, but when the healthy bacteria and PH is in a regular healthy state, the bacterium can live inside the body without causing harm or need for concern. Although it is not a commonly known or regarded STI, how and do we disclose this to our sexual partners? "How to Disclose your STI by Erika Moen" Disclosing any sort of change or condition of our body, can naturally be anxiety inducing, can trigger complicated feelings, or bring up new emotions that we have not otherwise been aware of. I know that in my own disclosure, I have come a long way in the types of conversations I have with people, and the way I feel about myself as I engage in these conversations. There is no one "right" way to disclosure your status, and to open up body conversations, as many of you know, I generally tend to say there is no one way, and like to steer away from universality. Although many of us share similar experiences, and find ourselves on parallel paths, we are not all the same nor do we have the same brains and ways of living. Our experiences are so closely tied to the ways we feel with opening up, with conflict, with honesty, with openness etc. With ureaplasma, it is sometimes harder to treat and get correctly diagnosed, as it is not commonly tested for in most clinics. Most doctors will only give you the specific test required to screen for Ureaplasma, if you have already done the routine STI screening, and are still experiencing active symptoms. Even within the testing, receiving the most accurate type of test is important, because having a qualitattive test that shows up positive for ureaplasma does not necessarily mean you have an active infection that requires treatment. Ureaplasma is commonly found in the urogenital tract of healthy individuals, so that is why this bacteria is so tricky! It can often show up as positive on a test result, but what indicates need for treatment is when the test measures the actual quantity present making it effective in determining bacterial load. It is important to get accurately tested, and therefore make a decision on how you will disclosure this infection to your sexual partners based on the accuracy. What's really interesting is that, often times the treatment for this infection is antibiotics, but there is a unique challenge here. This species is known for developing a high resistance to antibiotics, so fully eradicating the bacteria is often a long process. This is why many healthcare providers will advise against going on treatment for Ureaplasma unless you are experiencing symptoms or there is concern for larger health risks. the message I sent to my more recent sexual partners (for inspo) All in all, communication is key. You here this again and again, but what does it really mean in the day to day. We can say that we want more communication in our lives, and want to communicate sexual needs, updates, and desires with our partners, but when it comes to the moment that is not happening. There are so many sex educators, who do amazing work in empowering folks to have these uncomfortable conversations, I really enjoyed listening to a NPR conversation with sex educator Dr. Evalene Dacker, who goes through potential scenes of beginning these conversations!! For another interesting perspective from a sex educator who focuses on Herpes and the stigma around this STI, check out the podcast, SPFPP 404: How to Communicate an STI Exposure, where Courtney Brame talks about his own experience as a human (not just a sexual health educator) navigating these conversations in his real life. https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/sti/ I do truly believe that spreading more accurate information is very important! But beyond the accuracy of specifics like when to get tested, specific treatment, testing after treatment, and how this bacteria gets spread, information about our bodies and our own experiences are SOOOOOO vital! For instance, if we do not know when our bodies are communicating to us through stress response, or when our bodies odor is off, how will we know when there is significant physical or emotional changes to our state? I'm really curious about the ways in which people can feel connected to their bodies, and how they feel that. On the other side of that, when we feel disconnected or unable to notice our physical & emotional changes/ responses, how do we notice that too? To recap, having conversations with others is HARD, and before even beginning having a conversation about a potential STI status, or desire request, can we even look in the mirror and say out loud, " I want to be caressed for an hour, then be pushed against the wall?" Tenderness goes a long way for ourselves, and for when our bodies communicate that there is a shift. I hope through reading this short blog, you know just a few percents more about Ureaplasma and Mycoplasma, and that perhaps you can even whisper to yourself one little desire..... XOXO

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir I've been thinking a lot about the pelvic floor and the pelvis as it has been something that has all of a sudden come into my life and into my awareness in very blunt ways. The pelvic floor is an incredibly important part of the body to understand and to have a relationship with. I'm just now starting my relationship with my pelvic floor and figuring out what the fuck is going on in there! Years ago, during my sisters pregnancy and postpartum I had heard about the pelvic floor in terms of different conditions that arise after giving vaginal birth. I had witnessed and been part of my sisters birthing journey, in her room as her son was born, and with her during the many months of recuperation and integration into this new life. At the moment, I did not have much context for what this meant on a larger scale, this was 5 years ago, before my sexual education and somatic journey, although my sister had emphasized the importance of getting intimate with this space of the body. Where am I going with this? We fast forward a few years and arrive at the fall of 2025. I had some really hard life events that occured last year, but nonetheless took a month long trip in September that fed my soul in more ways than one. This trip was a multi state, multi country extravaganza, where I felt myself be tender and open up. Essentially right after coming home from this trip, I had what seemed to be a UTI, the familiar extreme burning while peeing pain was ever present, and it made sense. I was out of my routine in so many ways, so this was not surprising. I had my regular protocol of herbs and medicines that normally helped to clear it right up, but this time it did not clear. I had this pain for weeks, slowly going away and right when I thought it was almost cleared, a slight lingering pain remained..... I went back to my doctor and all my tests were coming back negative for a UTI. My doctor instructed me to take antibiotics anyways, and after a week treatment, my pain remained. It did not create any significant changes. Now at this point I contacted my naturopathic doctor, one who has helped me with so many of my health questions and concerns. We worked together to assess my pain from various levels, the hormonal, the emotional, and the physical through diet etc. It was and IS a long journey of discovery, and something that has been at the core of my pain, is the deep sadness and frustration of not knowing the why to this pain. Chronic pain is often categorized when you experience persistent or reccuring pain for more than 6 months. It's been a little over 7 months now, and I am still struggling to figure out what my pain means, where this is taking me, and what my body needs that I am unfamiliar with. I've officially entered into the chronic pelvic pain category, and I hold sadness that I am here, and compassion for what this is teaching me as I move through this with care, love, and patience. Pain is a unique experience in that it leaves us feeling lonely although most people in their lifetime will deal with chronic pain or be actively in community with folks who have chronic pain, and are disabled. The comprehensive study of pain mechanics and management is called, 'Dorology'. Through my pain journey, I listened to an amazing podcast where pain psychologist Dr. Rachel Zoffness enthusiastically explains the brain, pain and how to retrain it in a holistic grounded approach that validates peoples pain experiences. Me, painted by an anonymous artist in a figure painting class Fast forward 6 months, and I am still on my pelvic pain journey. What does this mean for me? This means that as of now everytime I go pee there is STILL a slight burning sensation present, and that up to this point, the remedies that have normally brought me relief are no longer "Working". I am coming again and again back to the question of what it means to relate to a body that is in some level of deep pain, while trusting and knowing that this is not permanent, and in order for me to heal I need to be in direct relationship with this pain. Now in order to understand the body, there are many components to get familiar with. The ways the body is so smart, is something that I will never find unfascinating.... For instance, in the plant world there are plants that directly relate and help one another, create balance, and harmony when they are together. In the body there are are also directly links to different muscles, fascia, and bone structures. If one is off, then it correlates directly to another part in the body. In terms of the pelvis, there are studies that have found the connection with the jaw. This connection runs down the front side of the body, in addition to the posterior femur. Really interesting studies have begun to analyze different manual therapies that have connected pain from the jaw to the pelvis. One study conducted in 2024, examined impacts of a single session of temporomandibular joint soft tissue therapy on the pelvic floor muscles. The most notable finding of this study is the enhanced ability of the pelvic floor muscles in relaxation afterwards. The vast implications of this study is that there are plenty of therapies and modalities that can be explored to reduce pain in the jaw and in the pelvis. WE ALL NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE PELVIC FLOOR I really appreciate the conversations that analyze the body in a way that invites people in rather than creates binaries with gender. The pelvic floor is typically and in a majority of spaces is discussed as a women's health issue and information, instead of a part of the body that is relevant, significant, and impactful for ALL. No matter what type of genital configuration you may have, or however you identify with your body parts and your gender expression, everyone with a pelvis has a pelvic floor. As I was doing research on the pelvic floor, I came across an article, where Stephanie A. Prendergast, DPT, MPT, Cofounder, PHRC Los Angeles discusses how awareness and education around the pelvic floor should be taught to everyone not just young girls. She goes to analyze another article in the BBC that stated the importance of teaching young girls about the pelvic floor function in education today. While Stephanie was thrilled that more people were supporting more education around this increasingly important topic, she goes on to discuss how this should be included in sex ed for all young teens, not just girls. People with pelvic floors are susceptible to different conditions, dysfunctions, and moments of pain that without the proper education, can be harmful, isolating, and negatively impact the way people relate to their bodies. "While it is exciting to see pelvic floor education in the news, the exclusion of all people with pelvic floor muscles and the general instruction that all teenage girls should strengthen their pelvic floor muscles is disappointing and frankly potentially harmful." Pelvic Floor Posted from: Raise the Pelvic Floor THE DETAILS The pelvic floor has lots of functions and potential capabilities. Recently, as I've begun to dive into pelvic floor therapy and undergo another process of figuring out really what needs to shift in my body to reduce pain and ultimately eradicate the pain for good, I am nerding out on all things pelvic floor health and care. The pelvic floor is a group of muscles that starts in the pubic bone in the front side, and connects to the tailbone along the back body. "The pelvic floor is the group of muscles, nerves, and connective tissues that create a hammock at the base of the pelvis, playing a vital role in various bodily functions. The muscles are always active performing essential functions we take advantage of as we move throughout our day. The pelvic floor works with the body as a part of the system, rarely acting alone." What can the pelvic floor do? -can contract -can squeeze -can lift -can relax A healthy functioning pelvic floor should be able to go from fully relaxed to contracting the muscles to hold in urine for example. But often many people struggle in with at least one of the functioning ranges of motions listen above. I know now that I struggle with the relaxing fully aspect of motion, and can squeeze and lift very easily, but fully relaxing takes a lot of intention and thought, and often my body is subconsciously clenching while doing tasks around the house or while I am out at work. Watercolor painted by: Rosie Ferne The more I read about the pelvic floor the more I am in awe and utter amazement at how much the pelvic floor is holding. It stabilizes our our back, hips, and pelvic bones. It is at the core of our bodies! The pelvic floor is a central part of many of our day to day essential moments, bowel and bladder emptying, sexual arousal, orgasm, and moving fluids from our body. And many of us have suffered from certain types of pain that can be linked to the pelvis. Feeling pain in our pelvis is not normal, in the sense that nobody should have to experience pain in their genitals and rectum. A generalized term that has been used to describe a wide variety of conditions is, "Pelvic Floor Dysfunction". Bloom Pelvic Therapy Group, describe this phenomenon as something very prevalent, "Pelvic floor dysfunction in some form is really common, so much so that about 50% of us will deal with pelvic floor dysfunction at some point in our lives. The onset can be after a fall on the tailbone, during pregnancy or birth, times of increased stress and tension, changes in hormones, changes in routine or activity levels, or following abdominal or pelvic surgeries." On their site they have a whole list of different issues you may have that can be helped with pelvic floor therapies. Some of them being, Urinary Incontinence, Strong & Urgent Bowel or Bladder Urge, Pelvic Heaviness or Pelvic Organ Prolapse, Pelvic or Genital Pain, Pain with Sex, Constipation, Urinating Too Frequently. Other folks who are doing amazing work utilizing their own experiences with pain and turning that into a catalyst for healing other bodies are, The Vagina Whisperer, and Jemila Medley with the Lim Method. Another great book by one of the teachers and founders of my somatic sex educators program is Pelvic Pain Clinic. Hydrangeas WHAT NOW? I think everyone, everyone should learn about their pelvic health. As I delve into this deeper, I will provide more resources, and updates about my experiences as more information comes... Pelvic Pain is really intimate and intense, and like all pain, what does this pain want to tell us? How can we talk to our pelvis and talk to the pain? My mom always says, what does your body want to tell you, and are you listening? "Prolonged pain is already an emotional burden, she says, compounded by the intimacy of the physical location of the pelvic floor and the functions it controls." All in all, SAY IT WITH ME, UNCLENCH.... As I wrote this, I had to remind myself to unclench only 100 times....

Written by:Tamar Simone Weir A lot of the education I received about bodies and about sex, was very heavily focused on dicks... Now this is not unique to me, as there are real historical reasons for as to why there is so much more emphasis and focus on penises in comparison with vulvas.... I recently attended a live presentation with the fabulous Mari Uloko where she discussed her work in vulvovaginal health in addition to addressing common myths in our sexual health system today. Something so incredibly important that she discusses is the concept of Vulvar Neglect (n): A systematic phenomenon characterized by a collective silence, stigma, and lack of education about vulvar anatomy and health. This is apparent in the ways in which based on your body parts and genital configuration you recieve certain access to treatment, care, education, and resources. There is a profound lack of lack of scientific and sexual information about the vulva and vagina which leads to a hyper focus on the penis, as the main subject of study. This benefits no one. When there is such a hyperfixation on one genital configuration, so much pressure gets put on to those folks that have that body part, and when you add on the often conflated messaging around gender then it becomes even more confusing, harmful, and isolating. As a young girl, and then later teen, I learned that penises were more important, there's no better way to say it, that they were just inherently more deserving, valued, and essential. This translated into rejecting my own desires or even being able to understand that my desires were equally as valuable as those of my partners with penises. For instance, my first time having oral and penetrative sex was with my high school boyfriend. We started by engaging in oral sex, but you know my memory is a little iffy, and it is interesting because I do not remember him giving me any oral, although I have many vivid memories of me sucking his dick... One memory that never seems to dissipate is when we were both in the shower together, and for some reason his mom walked right on in to the bathroom while I was on my knees bent over, mouth full.... She never looked at me the same, and did he balance out the sexual act for me while we were in the shower? HA no... Prem Vishal As my relationships evolved and progressed, I learned more about my own anatomy, pleasure, and also about penises in a more well rounded way. But this did not happen for quite some time, too long. I will admit that in college, as I became more sexually open, and searching for my pleasure, I was aiming to take back my desire, and in a way I was doing this by putting down the performance of the men that I was dating or having sex with. I remember constantly being frustrated that the men I was trying to engage with would be "so bad" at sex, or put very little effort in, and would frequently be disappointed in their performance when their penis couldn't stay hard or wouldn't get hard to begin with. This framework that I was adopting as a way to come into myself was still centering mens pleasure and performance, and although I think my heart and my vag had good intentions, there was a lot that could have been avoided, and much more tenderness that could have propelled much more in depth well rounded pleasure. I had so much internal anger towards men, that when they didn't perform to the standards I thought was "necessary", I would feel like the encounter was a failure. And instead of creating pathways for pleasure that decentered the genitals, I would leave feeling annoyed, angry, and unsatisfied yet again... In my first year of college, I was embarking on many journeys, one of them being gathering sexual experiences and figuring out what I enjoyed. During this process, I met a man at the gym. We exchanged numbers outside in the lawn, sweaty and wanting more. This was my freshman year, so we me up at his dorm room, one thing led to the next and at one point during the night his penis couldn't get hard. This man got on viagra shortly after and we tried again later on. Its funny because I don't actually remember the details of what happened next in terms of our sex with him now taking viagra, but something central to this story is the prevalence of shame that folks have when their penis can't stay hard or doesn't respond automatically by getting hard. 18 year old me, definitely contributed to the shame that this person felt, and this points to a generalized problem in society of overly focusing on certain types of pleasure, sex, and performance as worthy of having, versus others. These limiting beliefs are harmful to the expansive and diverse ways our bodies respond to stimulation, and doesn't encompass the wide variety of possibilities that are possible when we open the erotic imagination.. I've had many sexual encounters with penises since freshman year of college, and while I believe that everything I have experienced has led me to where I am today, writing this blog, and in the somatic sex educator training, there was much to be learned.... After opening up myself to the vast possibilities of sex, I de centered the penis, but in a less shame based way, and decided to connect with my body in a different way. This led to me not having sex with someone who had a penis for a long time (for me). At this point I had already openly came out, and was in a relationship with my nonbinary/ genderqueer partner at the time. It had been over a year since I had explored dick, and I was feeling ready to get it. At this exact moment, I just happened be on a 2 month long trip to Europe with my partner. We had planned a few day period where we both met up with our own individual friends, to get some space from each other and change up the energy. I was meeting up with my best friend from childhood in Paris. The energy was alive, and we were both ready for the magic that is travel in the summertime. I met this man at a bar, and felt attracted to his non threatening and sweet energy. I had very limited time in Paris, and wanted to prioritize spending quality time with my friend, but she was VERY supportive of this endeavor. He worked as a chef at this lil restaurant and invited us there. We were treated like queens, drinks and food were consumed. We were relishing in this, and if you know me, being treated to good food is definitely up there for me in pleasurable experiences, especially if my community is benefiting... Yes plz. The next day, I told him my interest in exploring sexually with him, and we met at his place. Things were chaotic, I was in the middle of having a UTI, but nothing was gonna get in the way. After talking for a bit and beginning to make out and take our clothes off to Lady Gaga's "Alejandro", things were heating up. At one point he stopped and told me he was sorry that he couldn't get hard. I asked him questions about his life, creating a space for discussion without shame or objective. His mother had recently passed, he was absorbed in work, and started doing a lot of cocaine to cope with this loss and his loneliness. He said that ever since all of this tragic change and loss in his life, his response to sexual touch and arousal had changed, and it was very hard for him to get erect. We kept talking, and I suggested we try different things, and keep touching each others our bodies, as he had stated that he still wanted to continue. After some time of talking, him being heard, and us taking down the pressure of penetrative sex, his penis got hard.... Now I know that this is not always the case. Having a conversation is not the only solution or only path, but it is a great tool for the body to feel safe, to be able to release the tension and the pressure that really creates difficulty for our body to relax into pleasure. Reverie Now what does some of the science say about erect penises? There is so much talk about erectile dysfunction, and while I do believe that this may be an issue that many folks with penises identify with, the talk around dysfunction can sometimes cause more harm than good. The ability to not be able to get erect or maintain an erection is due to many factors, and sometimes it may be simultaneous things contributing to the way the body reacts or doesn't react to sexual stimuli. Some reasons why you may not be able to get hard: -performance anxiety -stress -fatigue -drugs -alcohol -lack of blood flow -certain medications like prostate, hair loss meds, and antidepressants -certain health conditions -emotions in the body -feeling unsafe By focusing on the ways our bodies are not "responding" or "performing" the ways they should we often limit the creative possibilities that are out there. The better the sex education that exists out there, the better we are about communicating our desires, the better we are about understanding nuances in our bodies, the less being erect actually matters. Bodies are not meant to perform the same way every day, and in every situation. Our bodies are vast networks of tissues, fascia, bones and memories. Let's say your penis, or your partner's penis is not getting erect, or is erect for a while but starts to fade. Instead of creating pressure, and more shame, what if we saw this as an opportunity to play with another part of the body. Focus on the thighs, or ears, or toes.... "Sexual dysfunctions don’t exist when you have a diverse understanding of how to give pleasure. Think fingers, tongues and toys." When we challenge social myths around what types of sex are valued, then we can focus on trying new things that may open up other roads to exploring sensations, in our genitals but also in our whole bodies... Something that is worth mentioning is that the skin is the largest organ in the body, and that is impressive when we are deconstructing what sex can provide us beyond the basic sex education we were taught. Touch is incredibly powerful, and we are not limited to only exploring or focusing on our genitals when we want to get freaky with ourselves and others. Featured at the Phallus Museum in Iceland

Many people out there identify as writers, have cultivated a writing practice, whether thats in a journal that no other eye sees, or in a more public way through sharing your work and writing communities. If you are someone who is a writer this is for YOU. If you are someone who is NOT a writer, this is also for YOU. Writing erotic, sexual, or sensual poetry is often something left out of the writing landscape. When I started writing poetry, something that I didn't have words for but felt in my body was how connected i felt to my sensuality through the literary form of poetry. Through its looseness I felt free to be freaky and to be erotic, although i did not consider myself an erotic writer at the time. In general, there is taboo in writing about anything sexual, whether that's in the poetry genre or in fiction, etc. Many open mic nights, or community spaces that promote literature and writers, don't always accept and celebrate people showing up as erotic beings and therefore people showing up with writing that reflects their erotic landscape and experiences. I recently connected with an amazing person who co hosts and organizes a monthly naughty BIPOC open mic night, that includes performers in writing, music, and various art forms! I've been a few times now and it is so beautiful, to see new performers sharing their work in front of everyone, and to see some more seasoned writers and performers, coming back again and again for the experience of community in their sharing. If you're curious about this, check out their insta page, you wont regret it. Now, I feel like I don't need to mention the powers of writing, and how amazing it can be for expression, regulation, discharging emotions, workshopping ideas, gaining creativity and or clarity, just to name a few. But being able to write something erotic, now that feeds our bodies and souls in another way. It can and usually for me does happen to involve the above mentioned benefits, and what also gets contributed is a mirror into maybe what i am longing for or what i have savored in a dynamic, experience, or moment. SO why write a sexy erotic poem? It can be time consuming, energetically draining, and or sometimes not possible to always plan sexual time and exchanges with other bodies, but writing, now that is an alternative way to access your thoughts, desires, and curiosities while also not necessarily engaging with another body! You can use writing erotic sexy poetry as a way to harness different parts of yourself or alter egos that maybe you don't typically let come out in the day to day. Use your poetic writings as a way to explore your fantasies in a more sensual way. For instance i'm a big supporter of writing lists for what i want to explore, what im a No for and what feels like a maybe for the future. BUT when writing a larger story or poem, more details into the scene or the unfolding of how something may play out can get explored in a deeper way. You can develop more creative language for describing a scene, body parts, your body, and or sensations that you may feel or want to feel in the future. We all have our ways of speaking that we are used to and comfortable with, and through writing we are able to expand the words we use, and try on different words. You can use writing erotic poetry as a way to develop a deeper connection with noticing patterns or moments that stand out to you in your experiences. You can use this practice as a way just to have fun and be silly, not all writing needs to be serious.. Maybe in your story a mermaid finds her way to a swimming hole and then gets her hole explored you know? Can help cultivate more access to your authentic voice, and therefore help you in become better at sexting and or dirty talk when you are with another person. Writing erotic poetry can help us get better at being bad at things, or at investigating our inherent perfectionism that has a way of creeping into our daily lives. Not all erotic poetry that you write needs to be shared with another soul, you can write something in your journal that never gets read aloud, or a poem that you maybe only read to yourself in the mirror and not to another human. By writing we can develop the practice of just seeing what comes out, without having to necessarily make it sound beautiful or make it digestible. Title: Ice Poem Written in 2020 Written by: Tamar Simone Weir We sat by the river that’s never been blue  and if you grew up here you’d know its always been just brown.  heat melts ice quick!  Ill eat ice look at ice and always I’ll think of you now  Maybe like when you rubbed your lips around worn water bottle ice cube  tracing gently on my body  Shine on the blessings  Light on my goosebumps  Feather in my pussy like Who put it there? If you need some inspiration, reading erotic poetry, can be a great place to start. A few poems that I've read lately and have my body in goosebumps are: -Adrienne Maree Browns "Be Careful I am Fertile" -Ellen Bass's " Basket of Figs" -Audre Lorde's "Recreation"

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir The first real rain of the season awakened a fierce rage within me.  The need to do something crazy.  I wanted my shit back finally. No more mysterious moments wondering…  what are you thinking?  Why are you ignoring me? I debated under a broken blue umbrella  If you were worth my thoughts and stomach ache If the nasty knots in my insides would go away. We were two wet girls in rain get up. We put on an adventurous costume  One that consumed our evening  We were devoured by the empowerment in that very moment Driving through these too small college town streets Splashing rain in each turn onto the cars passing thru  I had arrived. Laurent street; the house that contained our past Didn’t seem so different. I knocked on your door way too fast trying to erase the frozen chest of my ice box. I had to stop myself from stopping myself.  Rain pouring down at accelerated rates but I did not shiver. I felt each drop cuddled my curled tendrils in a delicious wrapping As I tried too hard to act casual  As I I hadn’t rehearsed on my short walk over from the car.  I knew you’d be mean to me and I knew you’d dismiss the potency  There’s a closure in my throat as a write this I just wanted my fucking shit back Why couldn’t you just fucking give them back? You ruined the fluidity, you destroyed the fake rhythm I told myself we had.  I wondered if you made an effort to not put my clothes in a box, bag, or container. You handed them to me loose, and I thought isn’t this symbolic, shit.  I carried the weight and scattered sides of cotton garments you used to wear. I carried the cold with me to the car and you pulled out your parking spot almost hitting me on your way out. It was a Harsh hardened haste. I don’t want to apologize to you I don’t want to be ruled under your conditions  I don’t want to wait for you to respond to another text message I don’t want to coordinate anymore  I don’t want to receive your unfinished claims of this and that  And I don’t want to wear our matching copper bracelets. And I’m just now realizing it's Friday the 13th. The first rain.

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir on February 24, 2022 The petals falling rhythmically to their own beat  A chorus of movement  The stickiness of body under these trees I traveled  Walked and wandered The teacher, the divine feminine  Under these trees I was reminded, the presence of queerness  how to be and to listen  to what the tenderness is teaching  The way it moves is a mystery  Becoming small and compact  Noticing the hefty skin around me  And standing at the core of my being  With roots down deep and watered.  Where does the fear lie in my body And the disease of it permeating  Spreading its venom in my fascia  To let go of this power in my bones is to say I am free of this pain body  The air that takes and does not give  The message of replenish and refresh  The core of me says yes  The pink petals fall and I am touched by the wetness  The reminder to be soft, the road filled with trash  The mattresses on the sidewalk The petals fall and they fall  They lay silky milky sheets of goodness on the ground  Glowing and oozing The city makes noise and competes  But she is magical  She lines them streets with her bold round body  Grows from the cracks and seasonal rains  She remains  To look up to the expanse of her wholeness  A reminder to turn around  Palms open to the pussy of nature.

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir There's an Alaska airlines plane flying over the freeway  A monarch butterfly hits my windshield elegantly And I think about last week when we laid in your bed and you told me that song made you feel like you were floating on a cloud. I agreed with you and it felt like we were on drugs But it was just the loud music and the wetness inside me. Banana peels soaking on the terrazza A bowl of collected flowers, drenched laying in a bed of water Absorbing the feminine light of the moon  All night long in your smell Your sweat And the marks on your body, etched like stone carvings, deep grooves that tell of the time and place trace them all the way back to the beginning  Of all of this The sensuality of the flowers and their pollen The way lips touch and move in sync together Lychee lust at the market: I didn’t think shed kiss me when she  Did  Holding the beer in my right hand didn’t even get the chance to put it up to my lips Before she came with her full lips piercing  Onto mine at the park  Black wet bench underneath us other people fading away into the background  She has tattoos all over her body and it will take me awhile to explore them all Noticing all the ways that the parts of her body connect with one another The mango tree  A reminder to always observe Watching the colors and textures change When is the fruit ready? To be eaten and appreciated  Peeled top to bottom Hands wrinkled from the sun and no oil a rough grab but tender in the act She's independent  She's an alcoholic Shes a business woman A singer A writer A popcorn and pop music lover A cinema enthusiast  A movie watcher A fierce lesbian woman A beautiful goddess with hair touching the tip of her ass A walking art piece An installation of where she’s been and what she’s seen “Me caes bien, asique estoy fluyendo” Rain has a way of embracing the energy of the world and combining them All into one moment of stillness  And deep surrender to the wetness of the universe On Monday we walked in the rain For hours, from bus stop to bus stop And food stall to food stall Helping me with my groceries, “cuanto para un kilo? “Las piñas son mejores allá” Running around the city wet and cold but with heat floating around somehow Lingering energies all around  Accidentally spending the whole day together at the market and on the streets The sun setting and the cold coming And then the hail started  Exactly when I arrived at her popcorn stand Surprising her And the weather surprising us Again The rhythm of accidentally spending hours together Lets see what this sweetness brings… Lychee sucking goodness.

I didn't have time this week to write anything new so I pulled an older poem from the archives... Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Written on: 5-12-21 my body drawn by a figure drawing student Make him proud  Massage the institution’s that have power Feel what you feel but don't speak a word Wear heels Walk down the steps and dont trip Sign this lease, sign this deal, sign away all your rights To a higher power, the ones with the god complex The divinity and the injustice within bodies all lined up Put on a sweater, even if it's warm out. Make sure you look good But not too good. Not too sexy, sleek or skimpy. Walk the fine line between resistance and acceptance Do I love myself or have I learned to hate myself? Born without shame, a tiny creature everything intact Reappeared learnings, the mantras that stick The moral message, the media message, the medical message  Don't love yourself, there is always something to fix To change, to alter, to create, a new version Something different  Play dress up and pretend, Travel across time and space in closets and grown up clothes Wishing for adulthood Wishing for a first kiss, wishing for more, a wedding to a man A ring to a man. Everything for the man.  Awaken the temple that is inside, The bells have begun ringing and this is now The time for an awakening of the soul, strip tease out of the confinement, the restraints Put upon These boobs and ass and thighs and thick in the “right” places and skinny in “right” Places my body drawn by a different figure drawing student It's all about being the most and the least all at the same time Fit right in and don't say a word Caution if you have a voice that wants to speak beyond lips that are sealed If you’re a woman and wanna question something Are you negative? Angry? Of course unsatisfied Hungry for more, haven’t been satiated in a minute Minutes turn to hours and hours become years Make him proud, with all the daddy issues, they come back to make him proud Hand him the certificates, the trophies, the awards, the degrees, the receipts, the blood, The body. my body, drawn by a figure drawing student

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir You hear people say "slow the fuck down", and what does it mean? Why do we need to slow down when the world is moving so fast, and we are constantly in a cycle of feeling like we are behind. Now I am someone who chronically is doing things fast, always in a rush somehow, and find myself having inner monologues reminding myself to slow down in my many moments of my day. Being able to slow down is SO important in life, whether that's in our work, in our passions, in our family, in our relationships, and you know in our sexual lives. How does time connect to and with sex? For starters, there are many elements with time to address. And peoples perception of time is also extremely unique. For instance, 3-4 weeks of not having sex for one person may be a long time, while another person may feel that 6 months of no sex is a long time. For someone maybe a 20 min sexy session may be long for them and another person might only say that they had a long sexy night after an hour and a half... A great way to know what someone's perception of time is like, is by asking.... A study conducted in 2023 analyzed how subjective time since sex is associated with satisfaction and desire. They explain that how long it feels often matters more than how long it has actually been since your last sexual encounter. So this subjective pattern of time is a "time perspective" and plays a very important role in wellbeing and sexual satisfaction. Based on the insights in the study the researchers concluded that savoring positive experiences can intensify and increase benefits and by savoring it may make the sexual experiences feel closer in time by prolonging that sexual "afterglow".... the time it takes each individual to feel comfortable before engaging in anything sexual with another person/people (this is unique to each person) the time it takes for the body to feel fully aroused and start to show physical signs in the body making time for sex in our lives, or for sexual experiences in different seasons/ shifts the actual timing of sexual acts during sexy time... when something happens ... the amount of time you feel the afterglow or subspace drop after a sexual or erotic experience. your own experience with time in your life, and how you bring that into the bedroom whether you move very slow/fast (pacing) time of the month, are you ovulating, menstruating? In addition to the topics explored above, there are also some key elements to explore about time of day and sex. Hormonal levels throughout the day play a role in our sexual desire. For instance, in the morning testosterone levels are normally higher for many bodies whether you have a vulva or a penis. This can lead to increased sexual desire, often people reporting that they have more energy during this time of day, which then can impact the types /ways people are engaging in sex.... During the afternoon cortisol levels tend to drop a bit, which is the stress hormone and if it drops, that can correlate to a more relaxed state. So again, that can impact the types of things you may engage with/ your feeling in this time of day. Then in the evening, typically there is a release of melatonin which can often times relax people and prepare them for sleep which can lead to a more calming environment. While this exact hormonal flow is typical, this does not apply perfectly to every person as we also have many other stressors and environmental impacts that affect our hormonal responses. Then there's our own unique circadian rhythm that affects our movements, desires, and habits. Take a minute to think about if you're a morning person vs a night owl? Also its important to note that in our capitalistic society, we often are not able to be in our authentic circadian rhythm that are body naturally desires, so you may have two answers, depending on your schedule and those demands, and your actual bodies rhythm.... I am a morning person through and through! Always have been, always will be. After you've taken a moment to think about what's your favorite time of day and your rhythm, it's easier to notice how that affects your desires and performance. If you're a morning person you may have more energy, feel rejuvenated, and more in your body, so therefore having any sexual experiences in the morning might be the most enjoyable. For an afternoon person, there may be more enjoyment in engaging during this time period, and then a night owl might have more energy and therefore desiring intimacy during the late hours... Now that leads me to everybody's personal schedule and lifestyle. Individual preferences and the ways people organize their life greatly impacts our desire, our time, and our relationships.... Work schedules and how often or when people are working may shift their optimal timing for sex, and working that out with their partners can be a complicated web of communication in order to find balance with peoples timing needs. Obviously people with children and family need extra thought and planning around how schedules are being organized, and sometimes are not able to choose their optimal or desired time based on all the demands, and therefore the time that is left is perhaps not always ideal.. Then there is all the choices we make during the day. For instance, some people love physical activity and the highs that it gives their body, and are more activated for sex after that, and others may feel tired and satiated not needing or wanting to engage in something sexual because they got those endorphins already.... Meal times, relaxation habits, all of our choices and the way we interact with our bodies throughout the day can either signal more availability for sexual experiences or less, and that's unique to each person's lifestyle and the season of life that they are in, nothing is stagnant! With all of that being said, the speed in which I have done things in my life hasn't always been aligned with my true desires or what is best for me in the long run. I know i'm not alone in that, and that this is an extremely common experience. One way in which I have been forced to slow down is through my herpes diagnosis. Unlike the way I had been functioning in the past, I was confronted with a very large change, in my body and then afterwards in my identity and politics. Through getting my herpes diagnosis, I have slowed down in many ways, a few of them being, asking more questions before engaging in sexual activity with folks, having conversations about STIs/my status, learning about people's bodies, and checking in with my body about how i'm feeling just to name a few. I want to go way back to Tamar in 2017, almost 10 years ago.. This story that Im about to tell was the inspiration for this blog post, and one reason why I feel it is so important to take our time. I was in Colombia, on my first solo international trip as a new adult in the world, staying at this beach region with so many beautiful beaches. One night I went to a beach party with other people at the hostel, to a beach not very far away. Fast forward a few hours, many drinks later and was not sober.. At some point one of the guys from the hostel and I decided we wanted to go back to the hostel to have sex, but the only way to get home in this region was through motorcyle taxies, where its the driver and then you are sitting behind them on the motorcyle seat, so we had to take two separate taxis to meet back at the hostel. We left the party at the same time, but I ended up getting to the hostel 10 minutes after this guy I think named Tom... Even though the taxi ride was not very far mileage wise, the streets were very dark as this was a small town, and the roads by the beach were not illuminated. As the minutes went by I felt the taxi driver start to use his hands to roam behind him and touch my body. Now this is complex because I physically needed to hold onto him for my safety since it was so dark and he was going very fast, but with that he used his hands to explore my body. At some point he slowed the taxi down and turned off the engine. He got off his bike and started to touch my thighs and touch me all over. I don't remember much, I do remember telling him to get back on his bike and that he couldn't touch me, which was of course after he'd already forcefully touched lots of my body. He finally got back on his motorcycle and we arrived at the hostel, I was so scared that I STILL paid him for the fucking ride.... After being violated, I remember telling the guy who I was going to hook up with what had happened because I arrived so much later than him... And we STILL had sex shortly after on the table of the hostel kitchen.... There's so many things that are horrible about this story, but the main thread that I go back to is this feeling of pushing through, and needing to force, and go fast, and how hurtful and harmful that is for our bodies. I didn't even give myself one day to fully process what had happened before I had sex.. I hold compassion for this 17 year old Tamar who wanted to experience so much of life, and was drawn by excitement and newness, but also want to tell her that she could change her mind, and that there was no rush to have it all "figured out" or to "make a decision". Made by me, to see more you can go to my instagram page @pomegranatepleasure When I speak with people about their sexual experiences, and their sexuality, what I hear again and again and again is this pressure to know, or this pressure to go go go. Something that I explore a lot through the Somatic Sex Education course I'm in and its curriculum, is the need for each of us to slow down, and then slow down even more. How by slowing down, we can develop greater access to our bodies sensations, and what those sensations are trying to communicate to us. By constantly going fast, we are on autopilot mode, we are in go mode, and while that motivation is great and can propell us forward, it also ignores all the other subtleties that our bodies feel and sense on the day to day. Especially when it comes to sex and our sexualities, there is often pressure and confusion based on our lived experiences and those certainly come into play when we are playing with others. Our habits and our patterns, our ways of doing things, and our tendencies are not random, they are built and shaped by our lived experiences and environment. By slowing down, we can notice sensations that otherwise we may not have focused our attention on, we can learn to find the words and the cues for when there is a change in our bodies and what that means for our unique configuration of tissues and muscles. We can learn to voice our needs because we have greater access to the knowledge of our bodies changes and fluctuations. Being slower with ourselves can also help us cultivate the slowness we can bring when we are engaging with other bodies as well because we are more attuned to our own bodies wants and needs and therefore can be more attuned and present to what another persons body wants and needs as well. This is not so easy for me, as someone who is always running around, going slower is my daily reminder and practice, but it really truly is a gift to be able to slow down. To be able to notice the cool breeze on my skin, or the smell of food wafting in the air... To be able to feel my heart beat and know that in that moment my response is going to be a no. All of this and more. What's one way you could slow down today? If you did slow down, what would you potentially notice? Do you have your own experience where slowing down might have impacted a sexual encounter/ dynamic? Do you find yourself going very fast, going very slow, in balance? What's your relationship to time? How does that show up for you in connection with the sex you are/aren't having? Do you give yourself a few seconds to feel before you respond to a question? When was the last time you said "I need more time to think about that"?

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Artwork done by: Vidushi Yadav When it comes to sexual health, desires, communication, and sexual joy, what I see happen often is some level of shame creeps in... sometimes slowly, and then all at once. It can feel dramatic like a big wave of emotion came and destroyed everything in its path, or more subtle as a quiet destruction impacting your breathing and sitting on your chest. For me, growing up shame crept up in little ways, although I lived in a very free flow home where my body was accepted. I think one thing that I didn't feel much shame about in terms of my homelife was my body image, and simply existing with a naked body. I was surrounded by green, and vineyards, and trees and birds. I was naked from a very young age, not aware or caring about the people who thought that being naked running around my farm was "Weird". I was encouraged to run around and to be free with my body, where in many homes, nakedness is not allowed and sexualized before people/ children even know what having a sexual body means.... Growing in this environment, did give me the understanding that nakedness is not wrong, and that being naked is not inherently sexual or involves sex, it is just a body in its nakedness.... In my early childhood and adult years, I was the friend that had that naked house, the friend that would take her top off at the river, and who would be nude for most of the time if I could. This was and is normal to me... But as I developed into my more adult body, and I noticed changes in my body, society had some things to say! Lots of things to say.... I had a phase in middle school where I dressed up in crazy outfits, finding joy, excitement, and curiosity in my deviance away from hollister tight skinny jeans and fitted t shirts. I found an oasis in creating my own pathway for my fashion, but did the school administration like that? NO. Did the other students like that? NO. Did the male gaze like that? HA NO. Did most of the people like that? NO. I kept going with this creative flow, finding whatever items I wanted and incorporating them into my outfit. Trash bags? No problem I made that into a skirt. Pool floatie? Easy, it became part of my dress. Extra CD's? No problem, made those into earrings. And the list truly goes on and on. While it was truly fun, and I still admire 2011 Tamar, it was not easy, I was constantly questioned, and bullied. I don't think there is a single day that went by those few years where I didn't receive at least one comment about my body/appearance. Then in high school, I started dressing "normal", and was sexualized. I dressed for that male gaze, and received more attention, but now it was more acceptable, I was less bullied and now the eyes were on me in a different way. In high school, I was a curious teenager. I was always interested in sex, romance, and relationships ( I guess nothings changed in that regard). So naturally, I was like what's up with all this sex stuff? How do I get in it? Or rather how does someone get in me? If I had the knowledge I have now... ooooo things would have been so different, but like most of us our younger years were filled with confusion, shame, and little to no communication. Then in college, I really began my hoe journey, and this broke down the walls, and allowed me to get into the thick of things. I explored a lot, got herpes from one of my partners, became and started exploring polyamory, did anal for the first time, you know... the things. As I found my voice, and continued to nurture it, I noticed so much shaming for sexual preferences, for desires, for needs, wants, boundaries, limits. Speaking my truth, describing exactly how I wanted something, and communicating was not often met with the same transparency and openness. It was seen as something that was "too much" for many people. Being in my hoe era, and also having herpes filled me up with lots of tears, of feeling so deeply misunderstood and rejected. It made me have a tough exterior, it was exposure to rejection again and again. It was learning to actually say what I like. It was learning to have awkward conversations. Tamar in 2019 Now in 2026, as I delve deeper into my sex education studies, I am seeing again and again how much shame permeates our bodies, minds, and souls. This is on an individual and personal level of course, but also a collective shared level. Understanding shame and how it affects our sexual health is so important. Sexual health to me is more than just if your genitals are "functioning", it's about how you feel about your body, how you relate to your body in its changes, and access to education that empowers people to live freer erotic lives. How and When does shame show up, and patterns/behaviors? Perhaps... being naked in front of others? looking in the mirror?/avoiding mirrors avoiding certain clothing/textures/colors when receiving touch when receiving care/affection struggle receiving compliments avoiding intimacy going through the motions, but not feeling there/connected feeling checked out when things get hotter always "performing" sex saying yes, people pleasing with receiving /giving touch feeling guilty when either saying yes or no. What do you feel shame about ? When shame is so present and taking up so much space, it can be hard to open up conversations with people about how you are feeling, or where shame lives in your body. And over time, this can lead to shame growing bigger in our bodies, and or other associated feelings with our shame. We can't talk about shame without talking about trauma. And this word gets passed around a lot, but something crucial to me is that there are levels of trauma and the stress that creates on the body. Trauma is not only about big events or big moments, and all people cary traumas of varying levels and in some way. Trauma does not always provide us access with choosing what we want to experience, and can greatly affect our nervous system during sex/ moments of arousal. There are lots of different types of traumas: shock trauma chronic developmental trauma neglect trauma intergenerational/ancestral trauma secondary trauma community trauma chronic micro trauma vicarious trauma sexual trauma religious trauma Book Cover Art and Written work by Jess MacCormack Some people have studied shame as it relates to our sexual experiences. A recent study conducted in 2023, analyzed the effect of sexual shame, emotion regulation strategies, and gender on sexual desire. A total of 222 participants in Norway participated and results showed that Results showed that cognitive reappraisal, but not expressive suppression or sexual shame predicted participants’ sexual desire. The study did "not find gender differences in sexual shame, sexual desire, and cognitive reappraisal, which has been found previously in older studies. However, the use of cognitive reappraisal in everyday life was found to be associated with increased sexual desire, at least in women. Results from the current study indicates that the inclination toward cognitive reappraisal as a preferred emotion regulation strategy may positively affect the strength of sexual desire." Another study conducted in 2021 analyzed women with body dysmorphic disorder in relation to exploring their sense of lived experience with intimacy and in the context of their current partner relationships. The study demonstrated how appearance related insecurities and concerns affect cognitive, behavioral, and emotional spaces of physically intimate partnerships. They generated three main themes that were prominent 1) The shame in being seen 2) disgust and detachment during physical intimacy 3) A flawed self, feeling unworthy. Artwork done by: Caitlin Blunnie, also known as Liberal Jane, The impact of communicating with our partners, and with our OWN bodies is really important. Beginning to have conversations about shame are not easy, but these are not secrets that need to be tucked away in the back of the drawer forever. Not everyone will understand, or be able to listen and truly hear you. Sometimes we cannot even hear what our own bodies are telling us about our shame, and where it lives. and when it shows up. Suddenly we get a wave of chills, and we are reminded oh yeah, that tender spot I carry with shame, it is still in me even though I thought I "dealt with that years ago". It's an on going, living, breathing, process of tenderizing our experiences and what they mean for each one of us. Can we slow down to notice, when our bodies are screaming, whispering, singing, or in a shame spiral? below is a 5 page infographic about different potential practices for getting grounded and emotional first aid.

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir. Dec 21, 2020 Still sleepy, she comes to the small house by the street with the school. By the fence. By the water tower originally built on this land, marked with a bright-colored green on the clearly accented edges. Covered with a bright white, recently re-painted, “adding that authentic cottage look”. She gatherers her items. Her hands always full of something. This time she carries her mother’s painted and acrylic stained jacket, a pot full of various succulents, and her vibrator. Up the wooden and splintered steps she goes, making an active effort not to lean on the railing, seeing splinters in her future if she does.   Arrived, she is settling in. The baby lime green painted insides remind her of being young. She feels little tingles that are ignored as she unpacks her tote and decorates it with little items brought from the big house to add feng shui. She hangs her coat on the rack by the door.  Two candles, smooth cream-colored stones, and “ The little prince book” . Her guest, texts saying they have arrived, and so she’s gotta walk down the steps only to walk right back up. Because she prides herself on her welcoming energy and hosting abilities, the Persian way. The guest comes in with a to-go sandwich in one hand, a hard kombucha in the other. No longer sleepy she wonders what’s the most casual way to initiate touching her guest. Tucking loose curls behind their ears is one way she thinks. Or maybe giving them the universal I wanna kiss you look that they’d somehow pick up on? They eat their sandwich. We talk about our fathers. I eat my pomegranate in a robust fashion. They take healthy gulps of their cool drink.  We laugh in the sunlight. I watch them consume and swallow, watch the lasts of whatever, slowly being swallowed.  It was a privilege she thought, to be fucked by a hunky black strap on in the light of the afternoon, creeping in the cracks of the window she had just opened. Laying on the new never-before-used comforter set, Tamar played with the taste of Talia, how their name sounded in her mouth, and the way they said she was a good kisser. Talia let the words, “My 16-year-old self would be screaming right now because we just had sex”. They were referring to this moment. The stark difference of this moment wrapped up in the delights of being surrounded by green walls. And that 16-year-old moment, stoned off some badly rolled joints, bouncing in a trampoline filled room. For fun. Just cause.    Did I forget to mention that they was wearing a salmon-colored cotton t-shirt that was a hand-me-down from their dad? And they were wearing a red knit sweater with draped silver chains drawing attention to their neck. Heavy jewelry intertwined with sarcastic chuckles and cuddles. Intertwining body parts that fit. Puzzle pieces. It’s a cliche. And It was a Monday.

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Art by Audrey Jones This blog today will investigate how my many random, hilarious, and weird tinder dates have helped me in getting better at asking for what I want, even if I don't get it! Back in high school, I downloaded Tinder... I don't remember how I began to hear about this app, but once I did, I knew I had to get on there and swipe. Tinder began in 2012, and has now lost some popularity due to other dating and hookup apps that are more specific and tailored to certain folks needs and desires, but back in the day Tinder was very popular!! As a sexually and romantically curious teenager growing up in a small town with very few options for dating around me, downloading this app opened a whole new world for me, and I was ready to dive in.... I went on a few dates, most of them were not very eventful and quite disappointing in addition to being a waste of time, although I was dedicated to continue in this journey of juiciness. I was also obsessed with trying new things, and having such an easily accessible app to help me reach more people than in just my small towns radius, was huge. Below, are some throwbacks to my early tinder days being a 17 year old.... I know people have mixed feelings about dating apps, as do I. Dating and sexy apps are filled with scary people, situations that can be murky, and exhaustion / overwhelm from all the back and forth messaging and filtering of people through a small screen. I go through periods of loving the connection it brings me, and also needing to take breaks due to feeling the disconnect from being on my phone all the time and constant messaging.... Now it's not all bad, and it's not all good. Tinder and other dating apps having their pros and their cons and its important to investigate the benefits and the disadvantages these apps hold in connection to what you need, want, and your overall framework for dating. Decisions are everywhere. From what we decide to eat to what we wear, how we spend our days and what words we choose to use. Decisions are necessary parts of life, but often times being the one to decide something can be very challenging. Sometimes when there are too many options, decision overwhelm plagues us with doubts about which option is best, or sometimes others have decided for us what we should want / like / do for our whole lives that making our decisions seems foreign and anxiety producing. Even understanding what we want can be a distant experience for folks who are always thinking and having to provide for other people's needs instead of their own. People pleasers, caretakers, and people socialized as women often times have had to put their own desires and needs aside and therefore have not been given the chance to truly connect with what decisions they would truly make. Making a decision can be scary, it can feel like you are closing the door to so many other things, and as someone who is an avid adventurer and seeks new experiences often, I am like an octopus, wanting to put my tentacles in many places at once, but it is not possible. Choosing and deciding actually gives us more options that are right for us, that are aligned with what we want, and filters out some of the excess noise. But where do these juicy stories come in? And how do they connect with specificity and decision making? Back in August of 2022 my best friend and I were in France. We had a few days to explore before meeting up with her family in the scenic south of France countryside for a little vacation. We were in Montpellier, and had excitement filled in our bones. I had already had experiences using tinder while traveling and or on vacation, with some positive experiences, so I suggested to my friend that we make a joint profile indicating that we are purely platonic friends looking for people to take us out on adventures and to pay for us in exchange for good conversation and company, that's it. After a few edits on our profile, we were ready. We started matching with lots of people, and later that night we had scheduled to meet up with a young french guy to watch the sunset and have a little picnic. I remember us nervously waiting for him at this gorgeous fountain at the center of town, already scheming the ways we would get out of the date if he was boring or problematic. He showed up and immeditately we went to the store and filled up the cart with wine, cheese, crackers, meats, all the good essential stuff you want to indugle in during a sunset picnic.... He paid of course as that was the specific arrangement we were looking for. We then headed to this sunset spot, Royale du Peyrou that overlooked the city, filled with lots of other folks enjoying the hues of orange and yellow in the nighy sky. I don't remember much of what we talked about, only that we laughed a lot, and that he spoke really good english. It was an enjoyable night, as the hours went by, we ate and drank, and drank some more before bidding him farewell. It ended up being a funny night, and showed us that we could ask for what we wanted! Fast forward 12 hours, we wake up very hungover, and needing to get to this tiny little town where my friends family was already waiting for our arrival. We didn't have a clear plan, and only knew that our heads hurt, the sun was too bright, and we needed to check out of our airbnb. So we started packing in the heat, and I had an idea... I asked my friend if we should match with someone else, so that we would have an activity to do until we had to make our way to the other town. We were at that point at a cafe with all of our bags, sweating our asses off, brains not fully functioning. We somehow agreed to meet up with another guy, about a 30 min train ride away as he planned for us to have a river picnic and water sounded like the only solution to this hangover... So there we were on the train, going to meet up with a random man at 10 am with ALL of our personal belongings... At the train station we saw him in his car, there he was all ready. We got into his car and quickly realized he spoke very little english, and we spoke absolutely no french, other than my confidence in using google translate, our conversations were very hard to understand. We soon discovered that he spoke a bit of spanish so that was the main way we communicated that whole day... Lots of awkward laughter later, we arrived at this beautiful river called L'Hérault, and truly the water felt like silk on my skin. It immediately cured us of our hangover. At that point we were a little closer to our destination, but still needed a way to get to our next spot, and he offered to take us all the way to our friends home. It was absolutely perfect... And explaining to my friends aunt as she saw this man unloading our bags in the driveway how we managed to arrive to their home was hilarious. Fast forward a few days, after having had a very wholesome time in this small town, we embarked for the big city of Paris!! We knew we wanted to have one last experience as we were in THE paris after all. So we went back onto tinder and made plans to meet up with a man at a brewery nearby. I remember beginning to talk with him and then once the bill came he paid for only his beers... My friend and I looked at eachother like, did he not read our bio? We cleary did not come to this brewery to drink beer and pay for it ourselves sir.... But we paid and were about to go on our way when he started talking about the catacombs and that he is a huge nerd for going down the underground tunnels with his community, and memorizing the routes. The catacombs are an underground ossuary 65 feet below the ground, holding the remains of approx over 6 million people... These underground passageways are connected through a very complex web of turns, larger rooms, and even whole areas full of so much water you need to swim..... Now you may be thinking why the fuck would you go underground with a man you just met in a foreign country? Well, for one intuition, for second it was something that we knew we would do only once in our lives, and three well, because we wanted to. To read more about the history of the catacombs, check out this article that gives really detailed information on what they were used for. There is a small section of the catacombs that you can visit in a guided official tour, but many people have found other entrances, and have created a subculture community who make it their goal to try to explore as much as the catacombs as possible and make several visits per week. The guy we went with was one of those people, who had been in the catacombs more than 20 times, and had this small map on his phone with the names of the "streets" and different "rooms". I remember being underground and feeling so cold, and being able to hear myself breathe. I had never been up until that point in a space that was THIS quiet. I can't quite describe it even to this day how quiet it was down there. I think we had spent about maybe 6-7 hours down there and then my friend and I were ready to see some light and fresh air. Apparently a 6-7 hour journey through the tunnels is pretty short and for beginners, but after resurfacing onto the streets of paris at like 5 am, we were ready for bed and to hear some noise..... We went on the bus with this guy, our our way back to our airbnb to have some much needed rest, and never talked to him again. heres a picture of me with some bones. boots drenched in water. We woke up feeling so amazed, almost feeling like what we had just done was all a dream... But it wasn't and it was truly a crazy experience. I've had other experiences that are far less scary and filled with less human remains, but that have also been transformational in the ways that I ask for what I want. A year later I was on a solo trip to Uruguay, and was in the city of Montevideo. When I travel I really like being social, I love talking to the people around, striking up conversation, and seeing what the people from the region I am in do, what they think, where they go etc. I don't mind going to a museum or two, but really going to the sites and tours when I travel is not what I seek to do. After going to the theatre and watching a show I had planned to meet up with a cutie for a date at the park. We met at this park and then decided to go to a bar to talk and get to know one another. It was so cute to hear about her life and to explore her neighborhood a bit. Me with my tiny bladder had to pee so bad as we were walking around that we decided to go to her place that was nearby. During our entire date I was nervous as we were only talking in spanish, and I wasn't too confident in my abilities to flirt and really be myself while speaking Spanish, but I kept trying, and the energy was flowing. Eventually on her porch I leaned in for a kiss, and we proceeded to have a very sex night, my last night in Uruguay before going to Argentina to end my travels. We smushed into her twin bed, intertwining limbs and bodies, squished together in the best ways. In that date I learned that language is not always a barrier to connection, and that sexy times are possible even when you are not 100% confident in what you are saying.. Title: Voiceless Signal Painting. Art by : Adekunle Gafar Communication in sex is extremely important, sometimes even more important than the actual act of the bodies having sex... In relationships, whether that's romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between, being able to have conversations is something that is essential in the creation of being understood and understanding. I used to think that being specific limited my options, and that by choosing I was narrowing what was possible for me. And while, choosing something can mean not having access to the options you didn't choose, it does not mean that you have less options, only more options for what you are looking for. Specificity is not a bad thing.... In a study done in 2022 , researchers analyzed the associations between sexual communication and both relationship and sexual satisfaction. This meta analysis reviewed 93 different studies to examine this association and found a positive connection for sexual communication in couples sexual and relational well-being. In another study conducted in 2018, 142 couples were analyzed in order to show how sexual communication influences sexual and relationship satisfaction, in addition to orgasm frequency. Their findings also revealed that greater amounts of sexual communication were associated with higher rates of orgasms and greater relationship and sexual satisfaction. Now the tinder dates that I went on with my friend in the summer of 2022, were not sexual, no sex was had, but what we did learn was that we could ask for what we wanted without shame. There is an energy exchange that is happening when you spend time talking with someone, or just being around someone, and often times it can be easy to get swept up in what the other person wants, what the other person needs, and what they would like, instead of tuning in to what we would want. This applies to sexual situations with your sexy boos but it can also apply to every day decisions and choices with friends, with family, and when you are by yourself.... I always tell people, if you have a hard time asking for what you want, and telling people what you like outside of the bedroom and in sexual situations, it makes sense that when you are in the heat of the moment with someone, or even in your own masturbation practices, that you would freeze up and not know what you want or could want. In a society that constantly tells us what we SHOULD want, and how we SHOULD use our bodies based on what genitals we have or what we look like, it is genuinely a real challenge to make decisions that are ours, that feel embodied and that feel good, but it is so necessary as a way to take ownership for ourselves, and the joys and pains that we carry. While tinder has also shown me the ugly side of human connection, it has also been a joyful place for my budding sexuality as a young teen, and a space for connection through my travels, as a way to try on different roles, and as a way to ask for all the specific things I wanted and to relish in the receiving.. What decision did you make today that was for YOU?