why your penis cant stay hard; and why it doesn't really matter

Written by:Tamar Simone Weir

A lot of the education I received about bodies and about sex, was very heavily focused on dicks... Now this is not unique to me, as there are real historical reasons for as to why there is so much more emphasis and focus on penises in comparison with vulvas.... I recently attended a live presentation with the fabulous Mari Uloko where she discussed her work in vulvovaginal health in addition to addressing common myths in our sexual health system today. Something so incredibly important that she discusses is the concept of Vulvar Neglect (n): A systematic phenomenon characterized by a collective silence, stigma, and lack of education about vulvar anatomy and health. This is apparent in the ways in which based on your body parts and genital configuration you recieve certain access to treatment, care, education, and resources. There is a profound lack of lack of scientific and sexual information about the vulva and vagina which leads to a hyper focus on the penis, as the main subject of study. This benefits no one. When there is such a hyperfixation on one genital configuration, so much pressure gets put on to those folks that have that body part, and when you add on the often conflated messaging around gender then it becomes even more confusing, harmful, and isolating.

As a young girl, and then later teen, I learned that penises were more important, there's no better way to say it, that they were just inherently more deserving, valued, and essential. This translated into rejecting my own desires or even being able to understand that my desires were equally as valuable as those of my partners with penises. For instance, my first time having oral and penetrative sex was with my high school boyfriend. We started by engaging in oral sex, but you know my memory is a little iffy, and it is interesting because I do not remember him giving me any oral, although I have many vivid memories of me sucking his dick... One memory that never seems to dissipate is when we were both in the shower together, and for some reason his mom walked right on in to the bathroom while I was on my knees bent over, mouth full.... She never looked at me the same, and did he balance out the sexual act for me while we were in the shower? HA no...

Prem Vishal

As my relationships evolved and progressed, I learned more about my own anatomy, pleasure, and also about penises in a more well rounded way. But this did not happen for quite some time, too long. I will admit that in college, as I became more sexually open, and searching for my pleasure, I was aiming to take back my desire, and in a way I was doing this by putting down the performance of the men that I was dating or having sex with. I remember constantly being frustrated that the men I was trying to engage with would be "so bad" at sex, or put very little effort in, and would frequently be disappointed in their performance when their penis couldn't stay hard or wouldn't get hard to begin with. This framework that I was adopting as a way to come into myself was still centering mens pleasure and performance, and although I think my heart and my vag had good intentions, there was a lot that could have been avoided, and much more tenderness that could have propelled much more in depth well rounded pleasure. I had so much internal anger towards men, that when they didn't perform to the standards I thought was "necessary", I would feel like the encounter was a failure. And instead of creating pathways for pleasure that decentered the genitals, I would leave feeling annoyed, angry, and unsatisfied yet again...

In my first year of college, I was embarking on many journeys, one of them being gathering sexual experiences and figuring out what I enjoyed. During this process, I met a man at the gym. We exchanged numbers outside in the lawn, sweaty and wanting more. This was my freshman year, so we me up at his dorm room, one thing led to the next and at one point during the night his penis couldn't get hard. This man got on viagra shortly after and we tried again later on. Its funny because I don't actually remember the details of what happened next in terms of our sex with him now taking viagra, but something central to this story is the prevalence of shame that folks have when their penis can't stay hard or doesn't respond automatically by getting hard.

18 year old me, definitely contributed to the shame that this person felt, and this points to a generalized problem in society of overly focusing on certain types of pleasure, sex, and performance as worthy of having, versus others. These limiting beliefs are harmful to the expansive and diverse ways our bodies respond to stimulation, and doesn't encompass the wide variety of possibilities that are possible when we open the erotic imagination..

I've had many sexual encounters with penises since freshman year of college, and while I believe that everything I have experienced has led me to where I am today, writing this blog, and in the somatic sex educator training, there was much to be learned.... After opening up myself to the vast possibilities of sex, I de centered the penis, but in a less shame based way, and decided to connect with my body in a different way. This led to me not having sex with someone who had a penis for a long time (for me). At this point I had already openly came out, and was in a relationship with my nonbinary/ genderqueer partner at the time. It had been over a year since I had explored dick, and I was feeling ready to get it. At this exact moment, I just happened be on a 2 month long trip to Europe with my partner. We had planned a few day period where we both met up with our own individual friends, to get some space from each other and change up the energy. I was meeting up with my best friend from childhood in Paris. The energy was alive, and we were both ready for the magic that is travel in the summertime. I met this man at a bar, and felt attracted to his non threatening and sweet energy. I had very limited time in Paris, and wanted to prioritize spending quality time with my friend, but she was VERY supportive of this endeavor. He worked as a chef at this lil restaurant and invited us there. We were treated like queens, drinks and food were consumed. We were relishing in this, and if you know me, being treated to good food is definitely up there for me in pleasurable experiences, especially if my community is benefiting... Yes plz. The next day, I told him my interest in exploring sexually with him, and we met at his place. Things were chaotic, I was in the middle of having a UTI, but nothing was gonna get in the way.

After talking for a bit and beginning to make out and take our clothes off to Lady Gaga's "Alejandro", things were heating up. At one point he stopped and told me he was sorry that he couldn't get hard. I asked him questions about his life, creating a space for discussion without shame or objective. His mother had recently passed, he was absorbed in work, and started doing a lot of cocaine to cope with this loss and his loneliness. He said that ever since all of this tragic change and loss in his life, his response to sexual touch and arousal had changed, and it was very hard for him to get erect. We kept talking, and I suggested we try different things, and keep touching each others our bodies, as he had stated that he still wanted to continue. After some time of talking, him being heard, and us taking down the pressure of penetrative sex, his penis got hard.... Now I know that this is not always the case. Having a conversation is not the only solution or only path, but it is a great tool for the body to feel safe, to be able to release the tension and the pressure that really creates difficulty for our body to relax into pleasure.

Reverie

Now what does some of the science say about erect penises? There is so much talk about erectile dysfunction, and while I do believe that this may be an issue that many folks with penises identify with, the talk around dysfunction can sometimes cause more harm than good. The ability to not be able to get erect or maintain an erection is due to many factors, and sometimes it may be simultaneous things contributing to the way the body reacts or doesn't react to sexual stimuli.

Some reasons why you may not be able to get hard:

-performance anxiety

-stress

-fatigue

-drugs

-alcohol

-lack of blood flow

-certain medications like prostate, hair loss meds, and antidepressants

-certain health conditions

-emotions in the body

-feeling unsafe

By focusing on the ways our bodies are not "responding" or "performing" the ways they should we often limit the creative possibilities that are out there. The better the sex education that exists out there, the better we are about communicating our desires, the better we are about understanding nuances in our bodies, the less being erect actually matters. Bodies are not meant to perform the same way every day, and in every situation. Our bodies are vast networks of tissues, fascia, bones and memories. Let's say your penis, or your partner's penis is not getting erect, or is erect for a while but starts to fade. Instead of creating pressure, and more shame, what if we saw this as an opportunity to play with another part of the body. Focus on the thighs, or ears, or toes.... "Sexual dysfunctions don’t exist when you have a diverse understanding of how to give pleasure. Think fingers, tongues and toys."

When we challenge social myths around what types of sex are valued, then we can focus on trying new things that may open up other roads to exploring sensations, in our genitals but also in our whole bodies... Something that is worth mentioning is that the skin is the largest organ in the body, and that is impressive when we are deconstructing what sex can provide us beyond the basic sex education we were taught. Touch is incredibly powerful, and we are not limited to only exploring or focusing on our genitals when we want to get freaky with ourselves and others.

Featured at the Phallus Museum in Iceland