Did you give yourself enough time, but really tho ?

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

You hear people say "slow the fuck down", and what does it mean? Why do we need to slow down when the world is moving so fast, and we are constantly in a cycle of feeling like we are behind. Now I am someone who chronically is doing things fast, always in a rush somehow, and find myself having inner monologues reminding myself to slow down in my many moments of my day. Being able to slow down is SO important in life, whether that's in our work, in our passions, in our family, in our relationships, and you know in our sexual lives.

How does time connect to and with sex?

For starters, there are many elements with time to address. And peoples perception of time is also extremely unique. For instance, 3-4 weeks of not having sex for one person may be a long time, while another person may feel that 6 months of no sex is a long time. For someone maybe a 20 min sexy session may be long for them and another person might only say that they had a long sexy night after an hour and a half... A great way to know what someone's perception of time is like, is by asking.... A study conducted in 2023 analyzed how subjective time since sex is associated with satisfaction and desire. They explain that how long it feels often matters more than how long it has actually been since your last sexual encounter. So this subjective pattern of time is a "time perspective" and plays a very important role in wellbeing and sexual satisfaction. Based on the insights in the study the researchers concluded that savoring positive experiences can intensify and increase benefits and by savoring it may make the sexual experiences feel closer in time by prolonging that sexual "afterglow"....

• the time it takes each individual to feel comfortable before engaging in anything sexual with another person/people (this is unique to each person)

• the time it takes for the body to feel fully aroused and start to show physical signs in the body

• making time for sex in our lives, or for sexual experiences in different seasons/ shifts

• the actual timing of sexual acts during sexy time... when something happens ...

• the amount of time you feel the afterglow or subspace drop after a sexual or erotic experience.

• your own experience with time in your life, and how you bring that into the bedroom whether you move very slow/fast (pacing)

• time of the month, are you ovulating, menstruating?

In addition to the topics explored above, there are also some key elements to explore about time of day and sex.

Hormonal levels throughout the day play a role in our sexual desire. For instance, in the morning testosterone levels are normally higher for many bodies whether you have a vulva or a penis. This can lead to increased sexual desire, often people reporting that they have more energy during this time of day, which then can impact the types /ways people are engaging in sex.... During the afternoon cortisol levels tend to drop a bit, which is the stress hormone and if it drops, that can correlate to a more relaxed state. So again, that can impact the types of things you may engage with/ your feeling in this time of day. Then in the evening, typically there is a release of melatonin which can often times relax people and prepare them for sleep which can lead to a more calming environment. While this exact hormonal flow is typical, this does not apply perfectly to every person as we also have many other stressors and environmental impacts that affect our hormonal responses.

Then there's our own unique circadian rhythm that affects our movements, desires, and habits. Take a minute to think about if you're a morning person vs a night owl? Also its important to note that in our capitalistic society, we often are not able to be in our authentic circadian rhythm that are body naturally desires, so you may have two answers, depending on your schedule and those demands, and your actual bodies rhythm.... I am a morning person through and through! Always have been, always will be.

After you've taken a moment to think about what's your favorite time of day and your rhythm, it's easier to notice how that affects your desires and performance. If you're a morning person you may have more energy, feel rejuvenated, and more in your body, so therefore having any sexual experiences in the morning might be the most enjoyable. For an afternoon person, there may be more enjoyment in engaging during this time period, and then a night owl might have more energy and therefore desiring intimacy during the late hours... Now that leads me to everybody's personal schedule and lifestyle.

Individual preferences and the ways people organize their life greatly impacts our desire, our time, and our relationships.... Work schedules and how often or when people are working may shift their optimal timing for sex, and working that out with their partners can be a complicated web of communication in order to find balance with peoples timing needs. Obviously people with children and family need extra thought and planning around how schedules are being organized, and sometimes are not able to choose their optimal or desired time based on all the demands, and therefore the time that is left is perhaps not always ideal.. Then there is all the choices we make during the day. For instance, some people love physical activity and the highs that it gives their body, and are more activated for sex after that, and others may feel tired and satiated not needing or wanting to engage in something sexual because they got those endorphins already.... Meal times, relaxation habits, all of our choices and the way we interact with our bodies throughout the day can either signal more availability for sexual experiences or less, and that's unique to each person's lifestyle and the season of life that they are in, nothing is stagnant!

With all of that being said, the speed in which I have done things in my life hasn't always been aligned with my true desires or what is best for me in the long run. I know i'm not alone in that, and that this is an extremely common experience. One way in which I have been forced to slow down is through my herpes diagnosis. Unlike the way I had been functioning in the past, I was confronted with a very large change, in my body and then afterwards in my identity and politics. Through getting my herpes diagnosis, I have slowed down in many ways, a few of them being, asking more questions before engaging in sexual activity with folks, having conversations about STIs/my status, learning about people's bodies, and checking in with my body about how i'm feeling just to name a few.

I want to go way back to Tamar in 2017, almost 10 years ago.. This story that Im about to tell was the inspiration for this blog post, and one reason why I feel it is so important to take our time.

I was in Colombia, on my first solo international trip as a new adult in the world, staying at this beach region with so many beautiful beaches. One night I went to a beach party with other people at the hostel, to a beach not very far away. Fast forward a few hours, many drinks later and was not sober.. At some point one of the guys from the hostel and I decided we wanted to go back to the hostel to have sex, but the only way to get home in this region was through motorcyle taxies, where its the driver and then you are sitting behind them on the motorcyle seat, so we had to take two separate taxis to meet back at the hostel. We left the party at the same time, but I ended up getting to the hostel 10 minutes after this guy I think named Tom... Even though the taxi ride was not very far mileage wise, the streets were very dark as this was a small town, and the roads by the beach were not illuminated. As the minutes went by I felt the taxi driver start to use his hands to roam behind him and touch my body. Now this is complex because I physically needed to hold onto him for my safety since it was so dark and he was going very fast, but with that he used his hands to explore my body. At some point he slowed the taxi down and turned off the engine. He got off his bike and started to touch my thighs and touch me all over. I don't remember much, I do remember telling him to get back on his bike and that he couldn't touch me, which was of course after he'd already forcefully touched lots of my body. He finally got back on his motorcycle and we arrived at the hostel, I was so scared that I STILL paid him for the fucking ride.... After being violated, I remember telling the guy who I was going to hook up with what had happened because I arrived so much later than him... And we STILL had sex shortly after on the table of the hostel kitchen.... There's so many things that are horrible about this story, but the main thread that I go back to is this feeling of pushing through, and needing to force, and go fast, and how hurtful and harmful that is for our bodies. I didn't even give myself one day to fully process what had happened before I had sex.. I hold compassion for this 17 year old Tamar who wanted to experience so much of life, and was drawn by excitement and newness, but also want to tell her that she could change her mind, and that there was no rush to have it all "figured out" or to "make a decision".

Made by me, to see more you can go to my instagram page @pomegranatepleasure

When I speak with people about their sexual experiences, and their sexuality, what I hear again and again and again is this pressure to know, or this pressure to go go go. Something that I explore a lot through the Somatic Sex Education course I'm in and its curriculum, is the need for each of us to slow down, and then slow down even more.

How by slowing down, we can develop greater access to our bodies sensations, and what those sensations are trying to communicate to us. By constantly going fast, we are on autopilot mode, we are in go mode, and while that motivation is great and can propell us forward, it also ignores all the other subtleties that our bodies feel and sense on the day to day. Especially when it comes to sex and our sexualities, there is often pressure and confusion based on our lived experiences and those certainly come into play when we are playing with others. Our habits and our patterns, our ways of doing things, and our tendencies are not random, they are built and shaped by our lived experiences and environment. By slowing down, we can notice sensations that otherwise we may not have focused our attention on, we can learn to find the words and the cues for when there is a change in our bodies and what that means for our unique configuration of tissues and muscles. We can learn to voice our needs because we have greater access to the knowledge of our bodies changes and fluctuations. Being slower with ourselves can also help us cultivate the slowness we can bring when we are engaging with other bodies as well because we are more attuned to our own bodies wants and needs and therefore can be more attuned and present to what another persons body wants and needs as well.

This is not so easy for me, as someone who is always running around, going slower is my daily reminder and practice, but it really truly is a gift to be able to slow down. To be able to notice the cool breeze on my skin, or the smell of food wafting in the air... To be able to feel my heart beat and know that in that moment my response is going to be a no. All of this and more.

• What's one way you could slow down today?

• If you did slow down, what would you potentially notice?

• Do you have your own experience where slowing down might have impacted a sexual encounter/ dynamic?

• Do you find yourself going very fast, going very slow, in balance?

• What's your relationship to time? How does that show up for you in connection with the sex you are/aren't having?

• Do you give yourself a few seconds to feel before you respond to a question?

• When was the last time you said "I need more time to think about that"?