lets go dress shopping; gender expansion for youth & the next gen
- tamarweir8
- Aug 26, 2025
- 7 min read
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir
I've worked in many schools, in many educational spaces, and with LOTS of kids, so many it's hard to count. I started watching kids in high school as a way to make money, in a small town, and create some independence. I worked with family friends, and people in my community. As someone who studied Sociology and Education in college, I find passion in understanding systems and society at large. Unpacking and Understanding, while questioning and learning.... How and Why? Who and When? To me, these details are important as they shape the narratives we hold deep in our core and in the bones beneath our skin......
I loveeeeee children and their capacities for pleasure. If they don't want to do something, if it doesn't feel good they don't do it. Their ability to say NOOO and to yell it loud and clear into your face is truly impressive. Their creativity in seeking experiences that are fun and full of play are important not only as they discover the world and develop into themselves, but also as teachers for us rigid binary adults. I like to think of myself as someone who accepts fluidity and nuance, but deep within me there are containers filled with my shadows. Containers filled with binary ways of thinking, believing, feelings, and being. The entrenched beliefs of good and bad, black, and white, evil and pure, boy and girl, strong and weak, young and old, beautiful and ugly. There are too many to name, but they live inside me rent free...
So What's the point bitch?
When we are surrounded by these mass messages of what it means to be a good person or a girl in society, they become deeply planted seeds in our soul. As I continue learning every single day to drop the assumptions and open up to the curiosity of listening and the unknown, I am presented with lots of opportunities and exercises in this expansion.
With my 4 year old nephew, we are constantly weaving play into our every moment. And in that play comes the scripts and narratives of the world around us. He told me the other day that all of his teachers are girls. I asked him how he knew that if he never asked them about what they feel about themselves. This is just one small example of how we learn as children, gender in the millions of ways and interactions in the everyday..
When we play, I try to always include options, and choices. This creates agency and exploration for him. I asked him if he wanted to wear one of my dresses, and he loved it so much, playing and creating this whole show of excitement and characters that he took the dress home to borrow it. It was very big on him, but with some easy rubber bands we were able to make it fit. Later that week we went to the apple festival and of course dressed up as green and red apples. This little dress he borrowed was red, and so it made its way into the outfit we created for the occasion. I can't tell you how many people assumed his gender that day, and commented on it in little ways. I felt very protective towards him, ready to defend his gender expression and playfulness to whoever was judging him. Luckily, I didn't have to get into any deep dialogue that day, but what did emerge from this was his desire for his own dresses. He loved the way it felt on his skin, so flowy and comfortable. So much easier to put on than pants and a shirt. So perfect for the summer!!! So later that week we went to the local thrift store and found the cutest pink dress in his size. There were no other options that day so that's the one we bought him, but I made it clear that if he wanted more in the future, he could vocalize that and we could explore it together!
Since then he has worn his cute lil pink dress many times, with excitement and energy, throwing it on easily and admiring the feel on his body. He is too young to know what the word gender means, but he is not too young to know what gender feels like in his body and what people have to say about his body/actions. Children are deep absorbers, deep lookers and investigators. If you've ever been around them for more than a few hours, you'll know what I'm saying when I say that the endless questions of why are plentiful. Why this? Why that? What's that? As they make sense of the world, they are looking for answers to their vast questions, and most of the time, I don't know is sufficient because how much do we really know???
But.... What I see far too often is adults projecting their own gendered beliefs. And they get so deeply planted that they live within us for a long time. A few ways this has showed up for me in my life in small but impactful ways are.....
-judging myself for being too vocal or opinionated and not "passive or quiet"
- thinking i need to be feminine to be considered desirable or receive attention.
-thinking and believing i am not good at sports/physical activity
-seeing women serve men and accepting this reality
-seeing aggressive women as a threat rather than a forceful presence
-valuing my early sexual experiences if the man was happy / validating of my role
-seeing my body hair as an innate fault of my being
-being highly sexualzied as a young teen girl
-being judged vocally about my physical appearance by older women and men
-feeling uncomfortable in initiating sexy stuff/sex
THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON ....
and before I move on let's take a breather and fill in the blank of a few examples you witness/witnessed in your life.
Accepting nuance and multidimensionality is ESSENTIAL
I reflect on my life, and the great amounts of privilege and tenderness I have had in my experiences in my youth, childhood, and those that continue into adulthood.
Key memories include, but are not limited to:
-my dad buying me pads/tampons when I started my period
-being accepted wholeheartedly for my queerness as a 22 year old "coming out"
-having an open home that I could invite friends to be in a safe place together
-access to books that taught me a lot about budding bodies
-an older sister and brother who showed me in their own ways, love & tenderness in their care for me
-receiving a college education that was incredible, at UC Santa Cruz
-empathetic family and friends towards my herpes positive status
-sister buying me my first vibrator and strap on in college
-mom buying me another vibrator after that
-family not shaming me for my abortion last year, but being there for me
-my current partner who supported me through that abortion ^
-family letting my queer love and I live in the family home for a year
-family accepting my polyamorous relationship style even if they don't fully understand it
-my family home being a safe place for my community and I to come to
-my able bodied ability to move in the world with ease and access traveling to many many new places
-family supporting me in my sex educator journey (now)
While I am mentioning the positive and immensely transformative moments above because I feel it's necessary to acknowledge and name those, I hold pain and shadows within me too. That's the multidimensionality of existing. The lies of the binary tell you there are limits to your feelings and experiences, but my existence and pleasure unfolds like wildflowers in silly places, and contains multitudes of flavors.....
So, all of this to say, the younger generation, starting with their first years, up to their teenage and to their adulthood, receive and integrate gendered experiences. THIS connects to sex ed in the essential framework. By now, we should all know that sex ed is more than just how to not get pregnant, and all the dangers of sex. But, about the ways we connect with our bodies in all its changes and forms, and the ways we connect with other bodies in their forms and changes...... On Raising Unicorns, Colleen Vesely talks about her experience raising gender expansive children, and provides amazing resources for navigating a gender binary world with your family, kids, and community.
There are countless studies that showcase how play for children is SO impactful to their overall wellbeing in many realms, but what is also really fascinating to me is how play is enacted in the lives of adults as well..... Being playful and accessing that resource within our being is very hard for many adults. Often, the fear of being embarrassed, or something being too silly, too weird, too loud stops us from getting into this limitless space of play. There is hesitation, and fear. For some it is easier to access, maybe personality wise or work wise, for whatever the reason, the ability to enter into that realm is easier. But for many adults, entering into that space feels hard, really hard...
The National Institute for Play, discusses and highlights how rediscovering play has sooo many vast benefits to our overall health, not limited to the physical, but also the emotional, spiritual, cognitive and mental. They include a very powerful sentence that states, "Rediscovering play is about more than adding leisure to life; it’s about unlocking potential, building resilience, and fostering connection. As Dr. Brown eloquently states, “The opposite of play is not work—it’s depression.” By prioritizing play, adults can lead more balanced, joyful, and meaningful lives.
So, start small. Reflect on what made you happiest as a child or ask loved ones what they’ve seen you enjoy most. Embrace play not as a luxury but as a necessity and watch as it transforms your outlook on life."
They also include a short little quiz for those who are wanting to explore play and need some guidance into how they should begin this journey. I discovered that my archetype and play personality is the "Storyteller", which was not surprising to me as I know I am an avid lover of weaving and creating stories out of life, part of the reason I love writing this blog DUH, but a confirmation of that essence within me is special to receive!!!
Play is fundamental in the way we relate to children, youth, and adults in our journey towards more openness with our gender expression. This work of unlearning is not only for queer people, the gender binary does not benefit you if you are straight either.....This is for everyone who exists, who has been socialized by society and shaped by those around you. This is for everyone, because the gender binary limits our creativity, our playfulness, our ability to access many parts of ourselves and exist in many flavors.
If you've gotten this far and still don't believe all this, at one point or another, you will realize that this affects you too... And that you can play with your body, its changes, and its multidimensionality.
xoxo Trust! XOXO
Tai is so lucky to have you!