F*ck Universal, Why do we Kiss?
- tamarweir8
- May 23, 2025
- 6 min read
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir
In all the movies I ingested and was addicted to as a teen, a romantic kiss was central to the plot, to the appeal of the movie, the emotion. Some movies, but not limited to are; Sixteen candles, princess diaries, the notebook, etc. All of those movies entice you with that dramatic scene, the tension, the attraction, and the hetero boy kisses girl phenomenon. I remember my first kiss.. I concretely thought that in order to be a real human, a legitimate human, I needed to solidify my place in society by having my first real long kiss. I had thought about it and planned it in my head, stating that I WOULD NOT enter the first year of high school without this transformative experience. I was determined. My first long kiss was in a tent in this boys grandmas backyard.... It felt luxurious because we had a roof over our heads, a private suite you could say, although not private at all. And not because his grandma was in the house but because my best friend and another lil boy were also in the tent having a simultaneous bucket list check off. First kiss.. Done. Ready for real life. Yes!
I remember feeling like a real citizen after that, walking home proud of my accomplishment in kissing a gross boy. This gross boy later told all of his friends and people at his school that I sucked his dick in the tent. So i soon realized that being a real life "adult" introduced into society, was not all that nice. I did not touch a penis until many years later but, rumor has it I sucked his dick in his grandmas backyard, on a hot summer night in the tent.
As I entered this new era, I kissed many people, and many people kissed me. We exchanged moments, some more fulfilling and romantic than others. For many people, kissing has been a sensual/sexual act that feels accessible. It can feel innocent, sweet, and simple. It can awaken eroticism while simultaneously feeling safe and connected. Often times, partners who have been in long term relationships, come to realize and recognize that in their own union, the kissing has faded or vanished. Where has the kissing gone? And why haven't we kissed on the couch for 30 minutes like we did in college? People often forget about kissing, even though for many teens and tweens, the obsession is all surrounding the first kiss, who is going to kiss who, and who already kissed who. Kissing can ignite what people call sparks or chemistry. It can oftentimes signal for people, a feeling that taps into their deeper intuition about someone or a situation. Not to say that, if you kiss someone and you don't feel an immediate rush of ecstasy that you or the other people/person did anything wrong.
Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, and does not promote or invoke a deeper feeling. But for some people, a kiss can signal a confirmation of a feeling that they were searching for. Like, do i feel connected to this person? Is there a natural magnetism? Does this feel good? Do I like the emotions that come up for me when I am kissing this person? Do I like this?
The questions always seem to come back to... Was he a "good" kisser? Or how was the kiss? And as I always say there's no such thing as good or bad, the binary thinking and propaganda of our sexual education is minimizing our capacity to feel and to experience the sensual world y'all. But, questioning and feeling into an experience is valuable insightful intuitive resourcing. Your opinions and your feelings are a resource for you and even for your community. After a kiss, you can ask yourself the questions mentioned above. Did I enjoy this? How could i make this better or more comfortable for myself, and the other person/people?
Because as much as I so deeply wanted in my youth, to kiss in the pouring rain while my dress is completely soaked and the passion of our desire is raging, I also know that I would probably get sick, maybe I'd be shivering during the kiss in the pouring rain, and maybe there is more to passion than the spontaneity of a moment. Maybe passion and romance can go beyond, and can mesh and blend into the ordinary moments, into the planned purposefulness of intention and time.
So in this world, where movies are constantly pushing an agenda of romance, love, and lust, what does it all mean?
A somewhat recent study published in the American Anthropologist found many interesting results from their data analysis. To their surprise, kissing was found in only 45.8% of the cultures that were analyzed. So less than half.. and in the remaining cultures, there was no evidence of romantic kissing at all, being 54.2%. While these findings suggest and add to a more complex and nuanced analysis of kissing in this world it is also important to note that just because the researchers did not find kissing present in many cultures, that does not mean that it doesn't exist entirely. This study is huge because this gives us more detailed analysis of an act that many believe to be supposedly universal, but in reality is not. Just like societal and cultural rituals, beliefs, and celebrations, kissing is contextual and culturally specific. Kissing is not universal, and I'd like to add that when we think of sexuality and our desires, when we think about sex and all of its pieces, nothing is universal either.
This can also be seen in the way that different cultures greet each other, say goodbye, and share space together. Depending on where you are in the world, to greet someone with one, two, three, or no kisses is a typical practice. According to, "Kissing Etiquette Around the World" , depending on the place, the kissing greeting greatly varies.
One Kiss: Colombia, Argentina, Chile, Peru, the Philippines
Two Kisses: Spain, Italy, Greece, Germany, Hungary, Romania, Croatia, Bosnia, Brazil (though, like France, the number can differ by region), and some Middle Eastern countries (though not between opposite sexes)
Three Kisses: Belgium, Slovenia, Macedonia, Montenegro, Serbia, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Egypt, and Russia (where it’s accompanied by a bear hug).
Many important factors contribute to the ways that we can engage in culturally specific actions and customs. For instance particular comfort levels in terms of touch especially for someone you are meeting for the first time, can be a violation of personal space for some people who do not like to be touched by unfamiliar people, or in general. Another important factor is gender. Although gender is fluid, in many cultures, the binary thinking of man and woman play a large role in who gets to touch who, and what is seen as appropriate vs what is seen as inappropriate and not accepted. Homophobia is largely connected to whether some places in the world accept and encourage men to kiss other men, even if on the cheek in a casual hello or goodbye ritual. And in many more religious cultures and geographical locations, the kissing / touch greeting of the opposite sex is forbidden and can be dangerous.
Depending on where you are in the world, and where you are in your own body and desires, it is important to understand the cultural rituals and customs of a place, but without compromising or shutting down your own comfort, desire, and needs.
Kissing is cute ya'll but only if you and the other people want that.
Resources:
[1] Hyde, J.S., & DeLamater, J.D. (2011). Understanding human sexuality (11th ed.). New York: McGraw Hill.
[2] Jankowiak, W.R., Volsche, S.L., & Garcia, J.R. (2015). Is the romantic-sexual kiss a near human universal? American Anthropologist, 117(3), 535-539.
Justin LeyMiller discusses
Ericka Hart- Activist + Educator
Like almost all actions, society and culture influence what is accepted, rejected, introduced, or eradicated. To learn more, you can explore Ericka Hart's website for her decolonizing sexual education resources, and discussions around sexual health, systemic issues , social injustice, and the dismantling of our oppressive patriarchal systems. https://ihartericka.com/
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