Femmes Can Fuck Too

Written by : Tamar Simone Weir

Even though Sex and the City is quite problematic, Eurocentric, transphobic and has not aged well, something that I appreciate about the show is how the character Samantha Jones is unashamed of her sluttyness and her desire / craving for sex. She is not ashamed to live her love life and romantic life the way she wants, not subscribing to the gendered norm that women should be passive in sex, and just lay there. She embodies a powerful woman who goes after what she wants, bodies, her career, her desires and anything she wants she strives to get. She’s not passive in her approach to what she deserves, she is active, sexually and erotically.

In my youth, I remember watching a lot of TV. I wanted to grow up fast, there was something about being an adult that interested me and fascinated me. I would picture being an adult and being in these romantic relationships I saw on the screen. At the time I didn’t have the conscious awareness of the sexism present in sex and society being a vehicle for transferring these beliefs, but I did have a vision! I wanted to enter into the world of relationships and intimacy. It all felt too exciting.

What I was seeing portrayed on the screen was heterosexual sex where the cis man pumps his penis into the vagina of a cis woman and they miraculously have simultaneous orgasms that leave them both in love and sexually satisfied. I’m not sure what I pictured would happen during my first vaginal penetrative sexual experience, but it was something along those lines.

Pleasure. Holes. Orgasms. Release.

But that’s far from what happened. My first penetrative sexual experience involved one orgasm (my boyfriends) , no lube, friction, pain, confusion, and no other sexual acts of exploration known as (foreplay).

For many years I strived to find that sexually satisfying sexual experience with penises and felt let down. This is not what my earlier favorite TV shows promised me !!! I looked for sexual satisfaction from the other individual, always outsourcing my pleasure instead of taking my pleasure in my own hands and being active in what I needed and wanted. This societal conditioning of women or femme presenting people being passive is harmful not only in the way we value/ don’t value our voice, but also positions femmes / women to not know how to differentiate what society has imposed vs what they natural personality and qualities are. By no means am I saying that being in the receiving role, taking a passive approach, or being more gentle are negative qualities or traits. But what I am saying is that these traits are not naturally part of a woman’s or femme presenting person's body and bones. This is not inherently part of who we are just because we were born into this body. It is part of the way that we have been societally conditioned, groomed, taught, and accepted. It is one way to remain safe in society and in certain groups/ cultures. Often times remaining in the roles that we have been prescribed is safe in itself and that is valuable as a survival mechanism in this dangerous world. AND what if we could expand our definition of what it means to be a woman or a femme in her doing, AND in her power to FUCK!

my first & only strap on. To purchase or for curiosity's sake, check out their web.

I’ve always loved adorning myself with jewelry, outfits, colors, new styles, textures all of it!! Ever since I was a lil child, playing dress up and acting as different characters was my favorite. Even now, I always say I’ll wear anything at least once before I form a rigid opinion on something. My friends give me their old clothes and I try to mix and match in ways that give my creative soul a way to be free. I of course naturally am attracted to certain styles and colors but in general I try to be pretty open. One day I might wear a dress with a tie. Another day I might wear my farm overalls with my dads old flannel. Another day I might wear a silk lingerie set with tight jeans and funky shoes. It all just depends on the day, but you’ll always see me wearing hella jewelry. I identify as femme, and when I began my sexual journey as a queer person, I had already lived the straight lifestyle and sexuality for many years. My versions of sex, and sexuality had to be expanded, even though I thought I was a sexually open and sex positive person, I held close to my heart many limiting beliefs and homophobic ideas surrounding what sex would and could not be. I held limiting beliefs about gendered dynamics, about how to be touched, and how to touch. I have more in depth articles about my queer journey, that you can read here.

As I entered into the queer world of sexy possibilities, I felt so much fear and insecurity. Suddenly I felt like i was beginning my whole sexual journey all over again. I put this immense amount of pressure on myself to have everything figured out. To know exactly if I was bisexual or queer. If I was femme or butch. If I was a top or a bottom. If I was this or if I was that. Always getting lost in the polarity.. Because I was less experiened in this arena, I assumed that meant that I needed to be insecure and unsure. But once I unpacked all this shit that I was projecting and acknowledged my lived experiences up until this point had gotten me to THIS POINT OF MY JOURNEY, I was able to see myself as the knower of my own body, and as a curious being with other bodies. I think labels can be helpful as they are a way to unify people who share similar values, and can create comradery and solidarity for people who otherwise feel alone in their experiences/feelings. But I also feel that no one identity is stagnant. Meaning, the way people define the same word of identity could be vastly different than the person next to them in the same circle. Just because the person next to me also identifies as a queer femme like myself, doesn't mean that the way we would describe our definitions of those identities would always align or be the same. This nuance really has helped free me, and I think it can also help free other people too.

Cross-Over, 1979 Joan Semmel

There is a lot of conversation within the queer community about what identities you hold, and whether or not you are a top or bottom. If you are dominant or submissive etc etc etc etc. And for a long time I believed I had to be one or the other to pertain to this group and to belong... Topping isn't Just for Masculine People, gendering sexual roles in my opinion is outdated. I don't want to yuck anyones yum. If you are happy and satisfied with your identity as a top or as a bottom or as anything, then I am happy and thrilled for you and am not here to judge your way of creating freedom in your sexyness. I am here to say that I don't think that inherent sexual acts are either this or that. I did for a while, but I don't anymore and here is why. I feel that when we put certain meaning towards our sensations all the time, it can take us out of the experience of having a body and of being able to explore that body in a creative way. It's like one day I can like vanilla bean ice cream with blueberry toppings, and the next week I can krave double chocolate orange zest.... I don't have to ALWAYS want, like, or need the same thing. Also depending on who Im eatin the ice cream with can also change what flavor im wanting or needing. I'm all about challenging dominant/top and submissive/bottom stereotypes in queer and straight sex.

Stacey Zhu

 No matter what kind of sex you are having, I think everyone can benefit from being more open about trying new things. And our sexual attitudes can big impacts on our life in many ways.... There was a study published in 2023 that was one of the first population-based studies that focused on how partnered sexuality is related to cognitive function over time among older adults in the United States. This study is particularly interesting because often times discussions around sex and sexuality do not include older folks, although older folks are a big part of our global population and are sexual beings too!! Some interesting findings showcase the benefits of sex for cognitive function...

"Having more frequent sex was related to better subsequent cognitive function for the older-old group while having better sexual quality was related to better subsequent cognitive function for the younger-old group. Moreover, sexual quality was related to better subsequent cognitive function for men but not women. Sex is important for older adults’ cognitive health. Health practitioners should develop and carefully evaluate intervention strategies that target sexual frequency and sexual quality for specific groups to encourage or preserve the cognitive health of older adults rather than avoid discussion of their sexuality or assume that they are sexually inactive."

Presented by Mayven Missbehavin Photography by Gina Barbara (she/her)

So If I haven't convinced you that femmes can fuck too and that all bodies can do what they want /desire (with consent) thus far, take a moment to reflect on your sexual journey with these prompted questions for deepening:

1. What sexual/erotic acts have you found enjoyable and why?

2. Are the sexual acts you enjoy connected to the way you have been socialized to interact and receive pleasure?

3. What are ways you think you could expand your definition of sex/your sexuality to go beyond the binary?

4. What biases or cultural messaging surrounding sex do you hold?

5. How do you feel in the queer community sexual scripts or narratives are used and upheld? Are they beneficial, harmful, both?