masturbating in a room full of people

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

In June of 2019 I went to my first kinky BDSM, sex club. This was my first erotic event that I had gone to, although I had been curious about this scene for a while... A friend of mine at the time, was already in that scene a bit more than I was, and encouraged us to go and volunteer with the clean up so that we could attend the event for free. If y'all know me you know I love free things and events, and a sexy club? All my answers led to YES, as we embarked on this adventure into the city. At the time we went to a club that no longer exists today, (for some reason it shut down permanently), but I remember some key highlights from this night that sparked further curiosity, education, and pleasure for many years after..... That night I explored the human sized fish tank, without water... This was an aquarium like tank, that sat on this pedestal above everyone, and 4 people were able to fit inside this tank, while observers were able to watch from every direction in this circular seating arrangement similar to an aquarium viewing situation....

I fit my little body into the space, and crawled right in, ready to feel the sensation of being in a small space, not trapped but held in tightly. I really enjoyed the feeling of being watched by the others, and of being in a small space, sharing the space with others, and that was new for me. VERY.

this is kinda what the human sized tank looked like

Another sweet discovery that was brought to the surface during this first party, was the BDSM cross called the St. Andrews Cross. This cross gets its name from St Andrew who chose an X shaped cross for his execution in Greece. The cross represented humility and sacrifice. It's unclear exactly how this cross entered into the BDSM kinky world, but it now remains a fixture in the BDSM community!

St Andrews Cross

Since 2019, I have attended other kinky events and practiced getting to know what types of sensations are interesting and turn me on. This of course is unique to each person, and also to each moment in life, as something that once felt revitalizing and exciting can feel uninteresting or unpleasurable in another moment/season.

Back in October of this year, I went to a week long intensive for my somatic sex educator training. I was so excited to be in a room full of other students, teachers, and to be immersed in the experience of learning in person together through our somatic exercises. This week was intense for everyone! From morning to the evening, we were encouraged to participate by either doing, watching, or saying no and taking care of ourselves, but every day there were several different practices and exercises to get us in the flow of being aware of our sensations in our own body, to then provide support for our future clients and community. To feel the power of the practices first hand and with our own bodies, before working with other bodies. Getting to know the deep parts of our own self, as this informs our ability and our own unique spice that we bring into this deeply important work.

just me being me at a dinosaur exhibit in Mexico City

On day two, we were introduced to the practice, called "Communal Mindful Erotic Practice" which I had heard a bit about through my course up until this point, but was fairly new to the idea in practice. This exercise was one that we would be exploring throughout the entire week, almost everyday. The communal erotic practice entailed opening up our bodies to so much more than our typical and habitual masturbation or erotic techniques of our day to day lives. So many of us find techniques that work, that are efficient, and good enough to get the job done that we stick to this script and don't often explore other avenues for pleasure, sensation, and curiosity. I know that to be true for myself too.... There's something inside of me that stops me from exploring each and every crack and crevice of my body. Depending on the day there is always an excuse. AND this experience is not unique to myself, but speaks to a larger societal trend of closed mindedness, rigidity, and shame. I feel that the more shame and rigidity we hold in our bodies about what we like, what were "supposed to" like, and how our bodies respond to stimuli and sensation, the more we shut down possibilities of expansion and figuring out all that our bodies have to offer us that are outside of the norm of what society deems as "appropriate" or "acceptable" versions of our erotic selves.

There are many societal norms around sex and sexuality, that through different time periods and cultural contexts, often time change and evolve into new rules and norms, or thoughts and beliefs get expanded due to new theories, thoughts, and consciousness.

In this communal erotic practice, my first thought was, "so my classmates and teachers are going to see me masturbate and then were going to study together????

This was a very different embodiment exercise than what I was used to in the traditional sense of things being done in private. Or the clear separation of erotic time and playful or studious time. But what was truly beautiful about this experience is that the facilitators explained how in our training and in our work, we are unpacking all of the bullshit of society by actively practicing in our bodies non- normative practices of pleasure, pain, and eroticism. This helped me to understand that this work is more than just reading books, and becoming proficient in certain skills, but it is about LIVING and LOVING in these powerful ways. It is about putting my body on the line. And so that's where we began. With our bodies, intentions, time, and space...

my body, drawn by a figure drawing student in 2024

What was truly so informative and special about this moment was the permission it gave me to just be and to try new things. I often times THINK that I have given myself permission to be weird and to go outside the binary thinking of sex, not only through my queerness, through my vision of love and polyamory, but also through my herpes positive status for more than 8 years now. All of these identities I hold close to my heart and vulva have shaped the way I get creative when thinking about intimacy and pleasure. But even so, the binary society and sex negative propaganda has its way of creeping into my body and skin!!!! So the reminder of giving myself permission was so BEAUTIFUL and necessary!

I remember one day I just spent minutes tracing different objects onto my skin and used oil to thoroughly massage my body while feeling the sensations of things as simple and mundane as a pen... But with careful and delicate tracing, I was able to find pleasure in pretty normal and regular objects. Not rushing to a final orgasm or arc of an experience where the build up always ends in orgasm or release, but just noticing my bodies sensation, and trying to experience new things, outside of my vibrator and cozy bed evening flow....

Another mindful erotic practice for me entailed using my purple rope I brought to tie my legs up in a mermaid tie and practice feeling into the sensation of the rope on my skin, with no rush. I also blind folded myself as I noticed that I was being absorbed into the communal space and sounds, and wanted to come back to my own erotic journey and stay present with my own body and flow. This helped a lot as well as I can be really affected by noises and things happening in my external environment, so much so that it can sway how Im feeling or what i'm desiring in the moment. And even though we were all sharing a space and an erotic experience together, we were encouraged to not focus on other peoples experience or what they were doing, but to focus on our experience.

Another day I explored using a magic wand which I've always wanted but have never purchased, and just felt so muy joy being able to explore a new toy without shame of the noises I was making, or how my body was being perceived in the space.

The mindful erotic practice sessions, were timed so that we all had a container for our time together. Everybody was given their own yoga mat and sheets, so we had our own little space in the room. We were all in the room, in a circular shape, and were able to bring any of our own toys or items into the space for our practice. A key component of the exercise was also before beginning the practice, we were encouraged to think of an intention for our practice, and to really feel into how this would be accessible in today's practice. This helps to set the stage, and can be used as a way to come back to yourself if you're feeling distracted, numb, or feel like you're wandering in many directions. There was also a beautifully curated playlist playing with music that helped create a yummy flow to the 30-40 minutes.

A few potential intentions can be: (and is not limited to)

-I want to feel alive

-I want to experience simultaneous sensations without judging or making meaning

-I want to explore something with a beginners mindset

-I want to explore ______ part of my body

I truly felt so inspired by witnessing people in their pleasure and exploration. And this is not to say that negative feelings or odd sensations didnt or can't come up. Its not all fluffy and beautiful and erotically orgasmic, although many orgasms were had.... Its anything you want it to be. Because eroticsim is more than just about sex or orgasms. There were of course moments of frustration, comparison, numbness, feeling a lack of erotisim, self judgement and critique and much more.

Being in a group energy is different than being alone as well, because the collective erotic forces are so powerful, and seeing everyone's creativity for how they touched their bodies, was just a treat to witness and to be witnessed.

I'm truly so inspired by this training and by the work that I will be doing with folks in the future. The portal that sex is is just so vast and encompassing. Whether you have had sex, have not had sex, sometimes have sex, whatever the case is, there is an erotic being within each and every person, plant, and even in the dirt. It's really all very erotic.