People are having less sex now than before.. but why?

tamarweir8
Aug 3, 2025
7 min read

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

For whatever reason, people are having less sex today, now.. than ever before. When I first learned this I was surprised by this information. Really surprised... When I repeat this to others, people are shocked and in disbelief as well. With all the increased awareness in the vastness of sexuality and the emerging fields of sexual health, coaching, pleasure, and healing, it seems odd that the numbers would show a decrease rather than an increase in sexual activity.... There are many ads & visual stimulus around us that convey sexual messaging, especially in movies and in the hollywood industry. I know from my own experience, that as a teenager, sex for me was about exploration and curiosity, but also discovering the harsh objectification of my body by others, and my own complicity in this dynamic. As a young teen, it felt good to receive attention by others, as this was my proof that I was desirable in this society, and that my growing up was seen by others. I received a lot of unwanted attention, and I also was interested in the risk of playing with this attention, and therefore my "desirability". I would put myself in situations to see what would happen. Challenging the lines, and the narratives around me. And I was validated by these lil boys saying sexualized comments about me, and then crushed when it was the opposite. I remember hearing many times that I was the "ugly one" in the group of my middle school friends. At the time this hurt me a lot, as I was so hyper fixated on being beautiful and adhering to the beauty norms of the beauty standards of the time.

My self esteem, even though it was my own, didn't feel like my own, as the context outside of myself was fueled by sexism and gendered roles all around. All of our experiences in our youth and adolescence is deeply woven into the fabric of our sexual attitudes, feelings, and beliefs. About ourselves, like our self esteem, and about others, our biases and relationships to other people.

**Enjoy this lil graphic I made for my instagram page @pomegranatepleasure, give me a follow:)**

I'm definitely having less sex than I was back in the day. There are many reasons for this change within me. This is partly due to the fact that I am more aware of how my body is feeling and how I am feeling emotionally, so I am less likely to engage in any sexy time if I don't have the desire within myself or feel comfortable in that moment. A real reason why I am also not engaging in as much sex is because I am more conscious of all the layers, symbolism, and components that go into a sexy exchange/dynamic. I am more aware of the different desire spectrums, the emotional aspect of this intimate exchange, peoples complicated and deep relationships to their bodies and other peoples bodies, more open about pleasure as something that is expansive rather than a universal limiting box. Another reason I think my sex life has gone down in frequency, is that I am not living with the idea that "more sex is better" I am living with the idea that quality is more nourishing than quantity. Back in the day, that was the opposite for me. I wanted to collect as many sexual experiences as I could, write them down in my diary, talk about them with friends, cry, laugh, and use my body for exploration. BUT what was missing was this internal knowing of my own compass, that I now feel inside of me.. This compass helps me to discern whether I really need or want to be in a sexy situation, and that saying yes is not always the best choice for me. I'm so thrilled with my younger self that said yes to everything, that is why I am here now, as a sexy educator/coach, because of that sassy girl who said yes to life, lust, and sex.

The National Survey for Sexual Health and Behavior used data from their studies in 2009 and 2018, which was conducted online for participants aged 14-49 years old. In their findings, they collected data from 4,155 participants for 2009, and 4,547 for the 2018 study. The great thing about this study is they included questions about sex that included diversity of activities, including penile penetration, but also solo masturbation, partnered masturbation and oral sex. This opens up the conversation quite a bit, as previous studies asked questions that only pertained to penis in the vagina, penetrative sex, which is quite limiting and only provides certain results in the analysis. The researchers found that, in the 2018 study, participants were having less sex than in the 2009 study. This study found an overall decrease in sexual activity for the participants, and the common hypothesis of aging and the decrease in sexual desire is not relevant here as the population did not exceed the age of 49...... For both adolescents and adults in the study, they found decreases in partnered sex of all kinds, and for the young adults and adolescence a decrease in their solo masturbation practices.

There are many potential reasons for why we see an overall decline. In the Scientific American, "People Have Been Having Less Sex—whether They’re Teenagers or 40-Somethings" the authors discuss how social media and gaming plays a big role in the decline that we see from 2009 to 2018. They notice that without the heavy presence of constant online interactions from new entertainment streaming movies, or online games, social media trends and much more, there is constantly something to plug into instead of participating in sexy time... This makes a lot of sense when you think about how much time we as a collective society spend scrolling on our phones, talking to people, messaging, watching videos, I mean the list goes on and on. There is always something to do on the devices, and with access to more and more 24/7 there is no end. People are definitely spending much more time on their screens, and less time with people, 1 on 1. I know that while I deeply value quality time with the people I love and my lovers, my phone gives me the alert of how many hours I was on my screen that day and it is always a lot higher than I expect or want....

The authors also bring up the fact that we see lots of changes and people processing the effects that COVID has had in their lives directly and in the lives of their community. Many people suffer from long term effects whether it be physical, emotional, or communal in the aftermath of the global pandemic, and this is affecting their relationships, and therefore also their sex life.....

We also see the authors discussing how the conversations around consent ahve become more widespread and frequent which could possibly have led to people being more conscious and aware. WE LOVE THAT. The more people are aware of boundaries, limits, and abuse, the more we can analyze and identify how these power imbalances are created and shift the narratives of abuse/coercion. Rape culture is widespread, it is living and it is continuing, and so is the dismissal of people stories of discomfort, not feeling safe, and so many forms of abuse on this spectrum of consent. But, the authors claim that this generation is understanding the complexities of consent in a deeper way than in the previous generation which makes people more cautious about beginning sexual relationships, approaching people, or initiating something sexual. I can speak to this observation even within my own life in the last 5, or 10 years... I am much more aware and deeply in the knowing of the vast spectrum of desire, attraction, and consent that is necessary. I don't always have the answers or know what to do/ how I am feeling in a sexual scenario, but I do know that I create conversations for deeper listening and understanding. I am less likely to just go ahead and kiss someone, or go ahead and touch someone's body without there being a clear moment of communication or established dynamic.

Another interesting point that Herbenick highlighted was that this decline could also be due to the economic hardships and lack of economic opportunities that people have in this generation. The cost of living and surviving is increasing, and long gone are the days of being able to afford a home for your family or yourself with a teaching salary.... More and more people are living with their families and cannot afford a lifestyle that allows them this freedom of going on lots of dates or pursuing these relationships with the same intensity. As someone who is living with my family in order to rethink my life, and to focus on my studies, I can confidently say it is a privilege to be able to come back to my family's home and feel safe, feel space to breathe amidst the chaos and destruction of the world. AND yes, in these economic times like going out and dating, spending all this money on the dating lifestyle while also trying to focus on yourself is hard.

**Me being erotic with this tree, but was it sex?**

We cannot say it is one thing that is the "reason" for this decline that we see consistent in this study, but what we can say is that there are various possibilities and hypothesis, all being possibly true and real..

My opinion on this debate that we see circulating more and more is that people should do what their bodies and soul tell them to do. If you are feeling internal and do not want to engage with people in a sexual way then don't. If you are feeling desire to be touched and to be held, to share that space with someone/people then go for. it. If you are curious and don't know where to start maybe try making a list and surprising yourself with what gets put on the page. What truly matters is how you feel about wether or not you are or aren't having sex. There are countless reasons as to why you as a person or me as a person could be not having sex right in this moment... and we can get real creative with it.

Some reasons why I haven't had sex in a while are:

-living in a small town

-hard to find other queer people to bang

-i go to sleep early/don't go out much

-not investing my time in dating at the moment

-have a few long distance lovers I don't get to see too often

-live with my family

Some reasons why I have had sex in the past:

-ovulating and wanting to feel good

-genuinely like a person and want to explore their body

-it feels good

-have free time