The Fear of Being ‘Too Much’ Sexually

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

Is it too much, am I too much or not enough? What's the "right" amount of this or of that and is there such a thing? Good questions indeed, but also this notion of enoughness, or too muchness is one that plagues thousands and millions of us here on this sexual planet earth. This is a topic that is personal to me as I entered into my young adult and sexual life, I always had this feeling that my desires, wants, needs, voice, and curiosity were too much for others. As I've begun writing, and conversing with folks, it seems that I am not alone with this feeling.

At Cova Phycology, they discuss the many ways that the fear of being too much can show up in sexual and romantic relationships. They state that, "The phrase “too much” can sound like a simple insecurity, but emotionally it often carries a threat. If I am too much, I will be rejected. If I am rejected, I will be alone. If I am alone, I am not safe."

Kindman and Co, also explores the important factor of gender playing into this myth. Folks often socialized as women have been taught whether that is in the home, in their family dynamics, in school, or in the greater society that their feelings are too much and that therefore they are too much. "It’s potentially based in their childhood: fear around having too many emotions, too many opinions, too many wants or needs. These fears may be based in painful romantic relationships: when they heard that they were “too much” in regards to how they asked for attention, or how they dressed, or how they celebrated life. These fears may be based on friendships that told them that they required “too much” time or consideration. " So not only does this fear play into the ways that we relate in romantic or sexual relationships, but it also can deeply be connected to gender performance, and the experience we have with our gender.

In an article from 2024, "The role of sexual communication in the relationship between emotion regulation and sexual functioning in women: The impact of age and relationship status", researchers discussed how emotional regulation is multi dimensional construct that incorporates awareness of emotions, acceptance of emotional responses, ability to act in accordance to goals, and ability to develop flexible strategies in responding to cultural demands. The present study aimed to explore the role of sexual communication in association with emotional regulation and female sexual functioning. Their hypothesis was that worse emotional regulation would lead to poorer sexual communication which in turn would then lead to lower sexual functioning. Their conclusions were consistent with the hypothesis in the ways that sexual communication plays crucial roles in creating a positive and satisfying sexual experience for women. This study is truly very important as it further evokes reason for there to be emphasis on the relationships between emotions and sexual life, and how more people in general whether that's clinicians, educators, invodauls, aprents, and partners should see how sexual function and satisfaction is deeply tied to emotions and sexual communication.

Tamar in 2020- Mustard fields in Santa Cruz, CA

We all know communication is extremely important, this is not something new. This is ancient, this is modern, it is everything, but what does it actually mean? Often when we are discussing sexual health, partnership, and sex, communication is at the forefront, but people are not actually communicating!! In a Vice article, they asked Sex Educator Gianna Bacio her opinion on why talking about sex is so awkward. Her main ideas expressed are that shame is very central to why people are not opening up conversations. In addition, being naked, and talking about sex reveals something about ourselves and that is vulnerable. Gianna believes that good sex is not innate, it is something that can be learned and that is is often most effective when educating yourself, and then committing to having those harder more awkward conversations where you get into the details about your needs, sharing your preferences, and even fantasies or desires for the future. That requires lots of introspection, because often we are looking at the other to give us an orgasm, to give us pleasure, to give us something, rather than looking inside ourselves to find out and to unpack what it is we truly want and like. She states that some questions that are at the center of this exploration are, What makes sex good to me? And, Where do I want to be touched?

Now, if people could truly hear us without judgement, and we were able to communicate and get what we want would we feel just enough? Would there be balance? I believe so... And maybe not in every encounter because even with great and honest communication there will still be times where one person wants more and one person has capacity for less, and another person fantasizes about a certain scenario that another person for some reason cannot explore with them, and that is okay too. But, I truly believe there would be a lot more harmonious balance sexually if communication and deep listening were front and center.

An interesting study from 2025, I found explored the whether disclosing sexual likes vs sexual dislikes are associated with different outcomes. This study aimed to see if there was a correlation between perceived partner responsiveness and the sexual likes and dislikes. The findings suggested that the sexual dislikes self disclosure involves a tension because of the rewards and costs due to the perceived partner responsiveness, and that distinguishing between the sexual likes and dislikes is important for the future implications, being relationship counseling, and sexual health education. This study peaked my interest because I found the partner responsiveness component compelling in the sense that it analyzes and opens the conversation for how we are preoccupied with the other, and how that plays a big role in the information we disclose to our partners, and our overall quality of conversations. That makes sense for most of us though, if you go into a conversation, knowing that your partner wont judge you for saying that you have a foot fetish and want to suck their toes, then you will most likely approach the conversation with more ease. In addition, when you are revealing sexual likes because it is something that is associated with more positivity it might be easier to navigate in terms of the partners perceived responsiveness, in comparison with self disclosure on sexual dislikes.

In my own life I have seen elements of this to be true... When I ask people about what they are excited about exploring, where on their body they like to be touched, if they have any new kinks that they are curious about or desiring to explore etc etc etc.. Most people respond with what maybe shifting the conversation to me to answer first, maybe as a way to gauge the responsiveness I will have to them, or also of course to deflect haha. But in addition, it can be harder with a partner to say your dislikes when it is in relation to the partnership because there is more worry and tension around hurting feelings, instead of seeing the dislikes as places for growth and more trust.

Artwork by: Mariam Tafsiri

First of all, being open to a conversation is necessary in order to even begin to fathom what that could look and feel like. In, "Why Do Some People Want to Shut Down Conversations About Sexuality?", The Sexual Health Alliance, brings together many motivations that all contribute greatly to this discouraged energy around converastions of sexuality. Shreya discusses how the capitalist conservative combo is one that values profit driven avenues and sees individuals as assets. Caitalism becomes a threat to sexual and repdrocutive health and educaiton as it pushes the notion of needing to work a 9-5 to survive, but sexualit education teaches and promotes ideas of autonomy, liberation, and consent. Capitalism favors the rich and therefore sexuality educaiton and health takes a back seat as people are in survival mode. In addition, silencing tactics of the right encourages traditionalism and authority, one that is backed by heavy financial benefits fro corporations that also preach abstinence, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, and mysogonist ideals. Shutting down convesations about sexuality is a way of silencing and taking away peoples acts of liberation, especially as it goes against social and political structures that police poeples bodies and desires. This article explores the ways that these conversations are more tahtn just a personal or individual issue and expreiece, and how they are much larger peices of a puzzle that is our soceity, our policies, and a system that wants us to not speak up about PLEASURE. Because after all, if we are talking about pleasure, why would we want to work a 9-5 and spend all of our time working.... For what?

As a parent, caregiver, or adult there is also a fear of talking to kids about sex, relationships, and anything sexual. Most people at some point in their home life were shamed for asking questions about sensuality or sexuality, and were shut down. Almost every person I have asked has some negative memory about being in the home and being shamed for asking questions or showing interest in sex, their bodies, masturbation, or desire of any kind. In, "Talking the Talk- Healthy Sexuality Education", they discuss how one of the most problematic myths that circulates is that teaching children about sexuality too early will actually harm them and destroy their innocence, but this is assuming that sexaulity, and bodies are dirty, shameful, and wrong. Of course, providing age appropriate details, and information is key and very necessary, the whole notion that children should receive nothing and that we should avoid these conversations, is truly the most harmful. Children and youth do not lose their innocence by learning how to communicate, by learning about what is happening to their bodies in different stages of puberty, and by knowing how to talk about bodies and consent. This all gets translated into people who are more engaged, more critical, and more confident in amking decisions for themselves.

There are SOOOO many positive outcomes to being informed and having comprehensive sexuality educaiton. In the revised edition of, "International technical guidance on sexuality education: an evidence-informed approach" UNESCO stated that a few of the positive outcomes are 1. delaying onset of first sexual intercourse 2. increasing use of contraception 3. preventing unintended pregnancy and STI's 4. and are less likely to become victims of sexual abuse. Now I think communication and the feeling of being too much are deeply tied to childhood! The amount of sex education and relationship education that young kids and adults receive is embarrassing. It is so minimal and really shows us that as a society we are not setting up people for relational success in the sense that people feel open, safe, and confident in engaging in these challenging conversations.

Now I'm not gonna lie, sometimes that feeling of being too much still creeps into me, but I am a lot more ready to navigate when I feel that way. A lot more open and curious about this piece of me that was learned from a young age to feel that way. And I am a lot more embodied in the ways that I feel that my body has needs, desires, and specific ways it wants to be touched, explore the world, and interact, and that is OKAY. It is more than okay, and we are all just enough!!