urethra baby
Written by : Tamar Simone Weir
its been a while now baby
this throbbing, achy feelin
this holding onto something not mine
but mine
its been a while now baby
squatting over toilets with deep breaths, sounds,
and mantras to remain upright
to pass another few hours until we meet again
until the inevitable next time
from fall to fall its been like this
google tells me its urethral pain syndrome (UPS)
but the doctors and urologists remain confused
nobody really knows but yeah im fine...
its this inner voice inside of my flesh
this type of cellular chaos
how can i not hold it in when i know that
familiar place will cause pain
fuck the 1-10 pain scale
and fuck the misdiagnoses
fuck the urologist who says the procedure shouldn't be painful
sir,,, in what world
my doctor tells me, it should be over within minutes, and there is no need for anesthesia.
he tells me i can look into the monitor and we will see the results right away
but im thinking who in their right mind would want to know their results while a tube is still shoved deep inside their urethral hole?
what does trauma informed care look like when im in and out in a matter of 20 minutes
a short procedure, merely costing $1000
what does trauma informed care look like when safety feels fleeting in sleek white walls
what does trauma informed care look like when
everything is good he tells me and that is it
the results are quick, and easy, he says.
i breathe, a deep exhale, a raspy inhale- releasing a rhythm
something to center me in the stirrups
"is it painful?"
honey...
is it possible to cry internally i wonder?
samara joy plays in the symphony hall
all i can see is her back, but her voice radiates into my goosebumps
and i find my answer, yes ive been crying internally
internal crying looks like going to work everyday but dreading bathroom breaks
internal crying looks like mantras of "pain does not last forever"
looks like dehydration down to the core
looks like somethin stuck in the center of my stomach
oh wait its chronic pain joining me in this interlude
a medical occasion like this is never not painful
a doctor who has no idea whats wrong
who genders the body in ways that give me an itch
deep in the bones of my spine
my focus wanders as empathy seems to have left the room
a long time ago
and in the here and now the screen shows the inner imaging of my bladder
this unknown place inside me
i squeeze the orange ball
i feel the collective struggle of genital pain and the vulvovaginal discomfort of being in a hyper clenched ecosystem
something like a mossy forest all dried up because moisture only happens when the environment is in homeostasis
and it cannot be when clenching is all we've known
and the number is most likely higher
to have a pelvis
is as natural as mossy lichen spreading onto tree bark
and the pain, it clouds the sky
its funny, ive always thought i had a small bladder, but its been confirmed
shes typical
as any bladder could be
and my sensation of needing to pee overfloods all else
what would happen if i peed all over this mans face?
i focus again, a holding im all too familiar with
this sensation overpowering all ruminations of yesterday
all i can do is close my eyes and squeeze.
To all who are experiencing pelvic pain, or any other chronic pain condition, im with you. This shit is not easy, the constant misdiagnosis, the constant questions left unanswered, and deep internet holes of searching. The discomfort, and feeling of eternity. The frustration and sadness. The longing for a different reality.
A few resources (but not limited to):
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