the show and tell ; introducing my genitals ..& she goes by she/her

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

When I think about introducing my genitals, I think of basic beginning conversations that are surface level and filled with a lot of "great and goods" even though nobody is great and nobody is good. I think of those first introductory conversations that are overflowing with small talk and lots of words without always deep meaning and care. At least in the U.S the culture around asking someone how they are doing, is moreso out of politeness rather than the deep desire to hear someones honest answer of their emotional wellbeing. So in that cultural context, when someone asks you how you are doing, the typical response is good, and you? Its a quick informal conversation...

This is similar to the ways I think people are introducing their genitals to other people. At least for me in my experience, I see the similarities of this small talk how are you conversations, and the ways that genitals are getting to know other genitals. Often times it is quick, informal, and rushed.

What does introducing your genitals even mean?

Well..... I recently spent a week up in Victoria, B.C Canada for a school intensive. I am currently a student at the Institute for the Study of Somatic Sex Education and for that program we were required to spend a week together in a small group practicing together the exercises for our own personal learning and somatic experiencing. This week was transformative in many ways, and I will write more about that in another post, but one activity particularly stood out to me..... The genitals activity....

This practice invited us to think about the ways that we have interacted with our own genitals as deep parts of our bodies, and the ways that we connect/disconnect with our genitals. For many of us, our genitals are places filled with lots of shame, pain, and embarrassment. Whether this was caused at a younger age with cases of abuse, or at older ages with trauma in interpersonal relationships, we all carry this personal story of our own connection to our genitals with us in our everyday lives. Something one of my fabulous teachers said that I will never forget is, often times we are invited into spaces, but we need to check our genitals at the door, our full selves aren't welcome in the space. This can be due to so many factors, but in general I feel this is due to our deep societal stigma and shame around anything that has to do with genitals.

As kids we are taught this is a private place, and at least in my childhood I remember people saying those are your "private parts" instead of saying, that's your vulva, thats your butt. In subtle ways, and not so subtle ways, I was taught to carry shame around with me one vulva at a time...to keep things related to this body part a secret, because it "should" be private. And although it is important to teach kids that their bodies are theirs, I think often times that gets confused with shameful messaging. Using correct terms for our body parts can help people feel empowered, and help children/youth find language to express themselves including their needs, desires, and safety.Without this language, many people are left feeling unequip in talking to their partners, doctors, and their own selves when issues arise. And not only that, but we should be able to talk to our doctors, our partners, and ourselves about our genitals even when there are no issues, but there is pleasure or curiosity or satisfaction.

!We deserve to take up space in our joy!

Speaking of taking up space, so about half way into the week long intensive, we were given the option to do a genital show and tell. Same style as a school show and tell except, you don't need to check your genitals at the door, you can bring them with you if you'd like. We were encouraged to participate by either doing, watching, or reflecting on our own separate time. A part of me was very nervous.... this surprised me as I am usually the naked one in my communities and circles, constantly taking my top off at beaches and constantly walking around naked in homes. But I was.. I was nervous to take up that space for 3 whole minutes talking about my genitals. We were encouraged to tell the students the names we like to use for our genitals, the pronouns, the areas of our genitals that we touch, that we don't touch, that we want to explore, our connection to our body hair, and any information that feels important and that we want to bring into the space. We got to sit up on a massage table in front of the group and talk for a whole 3 minutes. When it was my turn to go, I felt my heart beating, my chest thumping, and my breathing becoming faster and louder. I knew I was on my edge, but wanted to dive in and do the scary thing, so I brought my genitals to the table with me and said hello.

"My name is Tamar, and these are my genitals!" I expressed that the word I normally use is Vulva and that I'm cool with any pronouns for my vulva, but typically refer to this place with she/her.

I began to speak and just let the words slide out of me. I spread open my legs to the class, to the students and to the teachers and showed them a part of me, a big part of me. During this week I also had an active UTI so I brought that experience of owning this body with me to the show and tell. I expressed my dance with pain and pleasure in my life as a curious girl having lots of sex at a young age, getting herpes at 18 and feeling extremely disconnected from my body and dirty. I expressed the physical and emotional pain that came with that diagnosis at a young age, and the balance of immense pleasure I have found in being curious, doing research, seeking out experiences for learning, and going on this path of sex education. It was genuinely such a beautiful experience to be up there, having so many eyes on me, and not in a investigative way, not in a fetishizing way, not in a negative intrusive light, but in a supportive loving space. This is and was truly a treat. It is also so counternormative to be up there babbling from the heart, well from the genitals to a group of 15 people. But not only was my sharing powerful, it was equally as important and profound to be sitting on the floor and witnessing other peoples sharing. The diverse body parts, the diverse stories, and the diverse histories that led us all to that table, and to that space. The histories that have led us to where we are now, with our physical bodies and genitals, and also with our emotional bodies and memories.

I shed so many tears, watching people talk about their genitals and really feeling into their stories. There are so many words we can choose to use for our body parts that feel affirming, feel sexy, and grounding. And there are some that feel like the opposite, that make your body curl up, that make you dissociate etc. I know now what it feels like to speak from a vulnerable place, open up my legs and talk! Because of this new experience of mine, I wanted to write about its impact here, as a way to honor that special moment.. And it's making me really think...

WHY ARE WE NOT DOING MORE GENITAL SHOW AND TELLS? (with consent of course)

Below I will include some food for thought questions that I want to share as a way to honor this practice and continue this inquiry of a deeper connection with my body / other peoples bodies.

1. what names do you call your genitals?

2. what names have other people called your genitals?

3. what names could /would you invent for your genitals?

4. what pronouns do your genitals use?

5. how do you feel about your genitals today and in this moment?

6. what areas of your genitals have you touched?

7. what areas have you not touched/don't typically touch?

8. where are you curious about exploring/learning more?

9. where do you find the most pleasure?

10. where do you find the most pain?

11. how do you feel about your hair/ no hair? what's your preference and how come?

12. reflect on your journey of having genitals, what has changed for you?

13. what remains the same /stagnant?

14. what would you tell your genitals as an act of love?

15. what would you have wanted to hear about your genitals growing up/ in your youth?

So......who wants to host a genitals show and tell?

XOXO