Is liberation possible in a patriarchal society: the tales of Tala

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

In exploring the development of a subject’s sexuality and gender, I thought it would be best to interview someone I feel comfortable with and that I could relate to their experiences of socialization. For this reason, I decided to interview my family member, Tala. At first, I thought that I would deeply understand and resonate with Tala’s experiences being we are from the same family. However, through the interview process, I was surprised to understand how differently we have both been shaped in terms of our gender and sexuality. I credit this to our differences in birth order and personality, as well as our different experiences outside of the home. While we had similar experiences of being parented, the differences in how we perceive our gender and sexuality socialization were stark. Through this interview, I learned to see my sister in a whole new light, as someone who was formed through our family experiences but also from the broader societal values, and personal experiences. Especially, being her younger sibling, I had always admired and idealized her, however, through this interview I witnessed the many ways in which she has been challenged. It was humbling.

         Tala is a 29-year-old, straight-ish, mixed-race, cis-gender female who grew up in an immigrant and upper-middle class family. Her current occupation is as a therapist; she is in graduate school pursuing a doctorate in clinical psychology. While Tala has many societal privileges, in the interview, it became clear that many of her gendered experiences were influenced by living in a patriarchal society and coming from a patriarchal family culture. In describing her early experiences with gender, the topic of cooking was elucidated. She described: “my mom only wanting to teach me to cook and not my brother and I refused to learn unless she also taught my brother how to cook.” This quote reflects an early value of feminism in Tala but also the patriarchal value embedded in Iranian culture which assumes the role of cooking to be female. As we continued to discuss, in our family, there is a long and rich history of women cooking for the family. While this has resulted in women who are amazing cooks and the nourishment of the family, this has also limited the types of tasks available to women in the family. Moreover, our mother was the first generation of women who were able to be fully educated and work outside of the home.

As we continued to discuss her life, she discussed how being a woman influenced her development of self. For example, she shared “Care giving is related to my gender and that was exacerbated by being the first child and being responsible for taking care of other people.” The quality of care giving was particularly salient in our interview and reflected the broader context of socialization. We reflected on the broader culture, where women are often socialized into care giving roles. Within this, many women are socialized into being in touch with other people’s needs and their own emotions, more than their male counterparts. Tala attributed this socialization also to her choice of becoming a therapist and how she had built skills of empathy, emotional awareness, and responding to other people's needs from an early age.

      In the trajectory of Tala’s sexual development, middle school seemed like a potent time of learning. She discussed her experiments with hyper-femininity. She stated, “I was playing with being feminine, wanting cleavage, wanting male attention…I thought that was very important; I was trying to be more grown up than I was. Performing sexuality in a hyper-feminine way. That was the first time I saw how powerful my sexuality was.” This quote reflected a shift from Tala’s childhood self, to one that was exploring with boundaries and the influences of society. She began to understand the male gaze and play with the attention of others.

      During this time period, Tala began to menstruate, a huge milestone in her gendered development. She got her period while she was at summer camp, and described her first period story with a smile on her face. She expressed a sense of pride around it. She elaborated, “I used a tampon the first time and I felt proud of myself for shoving it in.” While this story reflects a sense of pride, we also discussed the how the sense of pride she felt because of using a tampon may have reflected a patriarchal value. We discussed how putting a tampon in, is a way of ignoring a period so we can continue on. Sadly, this culture does not support ritual around bleeding.

      As we continued on into her teen years, she discussed the role of sex in the development of her sexuality. While sex can mean many things, for the purposes of this paper, sex will denote a penis entering a vagina. Tala described how from the time she lost her virginity to now, sex has been a physically painful experience for her. She explained, “sex has been physically painful for me, so my sexuality has been somewhat a source of pain but more like discomfort, grief, anger not necessarily something super positive. Although I do love my body, the flirtation and connection that comes from it.” This segment of the interview reflected a complex relationship to the act of sex such that it is both a source of pain and connection for Tala. While we discussed the topic of sex, I could see how experiences of pain shaped her ideas of herself as a sexual being. She had a difficult time discussing sex in terms of liberation, because sex had not been a liberatory experience for her. 

      However, this changed when I began to ask her about her experiences with masturbation. When I asked her about masturbation, her face lit up and she became emphatic about the role of masturbation in her life. This seemed to be the most liberatory aspect of her sexual life. She discussed learning how to masturbate from a website in middle school and continuing to do so through her life. This was a private space for her that was focused on pleasure. It seemed that she could come back to this relationship with herself for solace, connection, and stress-relief. It was significant that the feeling of the interview changed dramatically when we were discussing partnered versus solo sex.

      On the note of liberation, Tala’s discussion of her time in college focused on liberation in terms of her gender expression and sexual agency. Most notably, she was in a Women’s Consciousness Raising Group. Through this group, she learned that she was not alone with many of the problems she experienced in relationships, sex, and the broader society. She had the opportunity to explore gender roles and the effect they had had on her life. She exclaimed, “I became a feminist and was in a time of questioning a lot of things which was very healthy for me.” The empowerment she experienced from this group influenced her beyond the time in this group. For example, in her current marriage she described having an open dialogue with her husband about gender roles. She explained, “I’m with a partner now that also questions things and there are less assumptions on who should do what.” This open discussion of gender roles reflected a departure from the family culture she grew up in where gender roles went unquestioned.

      She continued to delineate choices she has made in adulthood to combat the influence of this patriarchal culture. For example, she talked about having increased agency in sexual interactions. She explained, “Sex centered around the men was not cool and I learned that if someone was into that then I learned to say bye to those people… and that the sexual experiences could before myself too.” This idea of straight sex being centered around male orgasm and pleasure has been perpetrated through the media and mass culture. As Tala described her sexual journey, it became clear that it took work on her part to combat this cultural norm. Furthermore, she discussed her relationship with her husband and how he focused on her sexual pleasure. I was happy to hear about experiences that are combating the cultural norm. Even though Tala still experiences pain during sex, I came to understand that she is liberated through addressing her needs in a relational context. So, as our interview came to a close, I realized that her gender development was such that she was initially socialized into pleasing others, especially men, and as she questioned her socialization, she was able to shift this in order to address her own needs.

Interview Questions with Tala: 

1.     How do you think having two parents who are married affected the way you performed your gender / sexuality?

 I think I learned traditional gender roles from seeing them which I somewhat carry into my marriage now. I’m with a partner now that also questions things and there is less assumptions on who should do what. I was socialized into being their peace maker which if I was a man I don’t know if that would have been the case.

2.     Is there one moment in your young adult life or moments that shaped your sexual and gendered identity? (High school)

 I was kind of asexual the first few years following a traumatic event prior. I wore baggy clothes and didn’t want to show my body at all. But I did well academically in school. I’m thinking now about how a lot of things probably were shaped around male attention. I lost my virginity at 17/18 to someone who was much older than me, so I was hiding it because he was older but also being mature for my age, not necessarily sexually mature. I think that sex has been physically painful for me, so my sexuality has been somewhat a source of pain but more like discomfort, grief, anger not necessarily something super positive, although I do love my body, the flirtation and connection that comes from it.

3.     What was this traumatic event how did it change you?

Burning my house down accidentally and keeping it a secret from everyone and being sexual with someone before I was really ready. I felt really guilty about the house, so I shut down and stopped talking to people that much. I was exploring my edges and trying to be more adult than I was actually.

4.     Were there certain sexual acts that were profound? Either with a partner or by yourself?

 Masturbation was good profound and empowering. I learned from the internet how to masturbate, it was a good discovery and very healthy for me. I only talked about it with closer friends, not with my family though. I learned from girl.com

5.     Is there one moment in your young adult life or moments that shaped your sexual and gendered identity? (College )

 In college I experimented with having a queer identity which led me to be more flexible in my gendered roles. I became a feminist and was in a time of questioning a lot of things which was very healthy for me. I was in a women’s group and now I am not thinking about feminism all the time but because it is ingrained in me at this point, the want and need not to accept the status quo. One time I dressed up as a boy and went to a party and learned that my whole personality could be different, and it did change. I really acted like an asshole and it was empowering.

 I was around a lot of men I had to take care of them and teach them how to take care of their feelings which was annoying. I fell in love with someone who I was not meant to fall in love with, so that helped me work out some daddy issues and I was around mean. lot. I experienced a lot of limits of sexuality with him. Like what creates an emotional attachment and what doesn’t.

6.     How did you feel at the time of getting your period? What was the discussion around it and how do you feel about it now?

 When I got my period, I was at camp my friend was by me. I thought the blood would be more red. I used a tampon the first time and I felt proud of myself for shoving it in which maybe is a masculine thing and I remember all the girls were impressed. I want more ritual around it, rest like on the first day of my period I don’t think I should do work and I wish that society allowed for periods to be more discussed and accepted. I remember my mom being very excited about it, she wanted to throw me a party and I said no. sometimes I feel sad when I get it because that means I’m not pregnant and I’m at a point in my life where I want to be pregnant haha.

7.     Were you taught at any point to have sexual agency over your own body? What has been a moment for you in your exploration that has been liberating if so??

 I was not taught by the mass culture but in women’s group yes. Sex centered around the men was not cool and I learned that in college I learned that and if someone wasn’t into that then I learned to say bye too those people and that the sexual experiences could before myself too. I am not fully liberated it’s not the most liberated type of thing for me. I am experiencing in feeling liberated and letting go of penis and vagina sex being the only form of sex that is accepted or wanted because often that type of sex hasn’t been the best or most liberating for myself.

8.     How do you feel now about your early experiences with gender socialization in your family setting?

 I feel pretty good; I don’t think it was too intense gender roles, but I do remember my mom only wanting to teach me to cook and not my brother and I refused to learn unless she also taught my brother how to cook. I think that was stupid now thought because i should have just learned how to cook from her. Some things I know are fucked up, but I embrace it like the first time I shaved my legs and waxed my eyebrows because that signified that there was something wrong with me and that I needed to fix my body.

9.     Is there one moment in your young adult life or moments that shaped your sexual and gendered identity? (Middle school)

 I was playing with being feminine, wanting cleavage, wanting male attention and I thought that was very important, so I was trying to be more grown up than I was. Performing sexuality in a hyper feminine way. That was the first time I saw how powerful my sexuality was, important era because I was so influenced by the world around me and how desperate I wanted to be grown up and sophisticated. There is no moment but just as an overall phase.

10.  How do you think being the oldest of 3 influenced the way you created genre/ sexuality for yourself / didn’t?

Caregiving is related to my gender and that was exacerbated by being the first child and being responsible for taking care of other people. For sexuality feel like I had no model so I figured it out on my own, so I don't really know what I was doing.

11.  Do you have any memories of being in school at a young age and being told to perform a certain gender role/ gender task?

 I’m sure that that happened but no strong memories come up for me. I remember one time I was asked to help someone else run because I was a good runner.