On the third floor, after Tacos: Investigation in Nude Modeling
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir. October 13, 2024
I woke up one Saturday morning, the sun blindingly bright, running late in my silk dress. Late and stressed, I stopped at the "cabeza de res" taco stand, ordering a plate "con todo", and scarfed it down. Eating way too fast, but not willing to be late to my first time live nude modeling in front of people who weren't my friends, lovers, and in the mirror after the shower, in all that mist.
It's interesting because, for a long time I believed that being naked meant freedom, liberation, and acceptance. Since I can remember, as a child and baby I was always running around naked, i loved swimming naked, playing, and just being. I remember hiding my body as a teen, feeling the anguish and insecurities of not finding the right balance of hiding my body and showing off my body. People told me both things, reinforced both messages, and it was all too confusing. So should i be insecure about my body, skinny little legs, unibrow, faint mustache, and darker features than lots around me? Or confident, as people would also tell me later in my youth that my skin tone was perfectly olive, and that I could be a model, that all the boys would be lucky to have me. And the cars passing by, honking their horns and screaming whatever they liked as I walked to get candy at the store.
The acceptance of my body was something natural and divine to me in my childhood, but became dense and convoluted in my youth and young adult life. Feeling exhausted by being sexualized but also not knowing another way, to be outside of the male gaze, in my own experience, unconnected and unbothered.
As I grew into myself, started to grow out my body hair in college, experiment with dying my hair, different styles, different experiences of being a woman took shape. The outward image of my beauty and my inward emotions returned to that of my childhood, being comfortable just being, (or at least most of the time). I began to truly love myself physically, and explored so many different ways of expressing myself with my fashion. All of these moments in my young adult life, created a more solid foundation for my nakedness, for my true self, and loving her with all her hair and texture.
As someone who loves to swim at nude beaches, to be naked as i plant seeds in my garden, and exist without clothes, I was always curious of nude modeling. I have attended classes for figure drawing, and although i don't draw much, loved the experience of appreciating form, lines, and skin. And so when it was my turn to model, I became nervous and excited, jittery and alive.
I walked into that room on the 3rd floor, white walls with stains, and tables all around. Only a few people, and an intimate space on the outskirts of the city. I saw myself sitting on that block in the center of the room, starting off with 1 minute, then 5 minute, then 10 minute, and finally 15 minute poses. Sitting there being observed, analyzed, drawn, helped me to appreciate myself more. And as i sat there, in each new pose, the tacos rumbled in my stomach, wanting to process its way out of me. In each pose, the urge to fart intensified, and with the soft instrumental music playing in the background, i knew that wouldn't be enough to drown out the sound of "live model farting her morning tacos".
When you're a figure drawing model, your job is to be still, to be silent, to just be. And for me my life is always in motion, and especially in the nude, I normally am in movement with other bodies or with myself, so this was different. In each pose, my mind would be planning out the next pose, what I should be doing, how to make the pose more creative, cool angles, and at the same time, my wrists hurt, my hair tickled my cheeks, and I kept thinking, "Am i even sitting up straight?"
But whats beautiful about figure modeling is that, all bodies are excepted, or at least, they say. There are no auditions, no need to walk in front of a panel and show off your features, no need to convince, because the subject is not the societal beauty of the body, but the body in form. The beauty of the ancient practice of art, desire, and honoring. The human body can be seen in large marble statues in various museums all around the world, in famous artistic books, and in historical texts. And with all of this being said, although technically any body and any person can be a figure model, it can be challenging to take the step to decide to be a model, in the gaze of others, even if the intention is artistic, because especially as a cis woman, i am constantly being sexualized and gazed upon, so why put myself in a situation of feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable?
I will continue to explore figure drawing in different spaces and in different aspects, to further feel the experience of letting go of shame, insecurities, and this "not enough" mentality. My first experience was held in a studio in Oaxaca, Mexico so I cannot speak for all models experiences and in other geographical locations, but what i can say is that, seeing many eyes gazing thoughtfully and creating art is very different than the unwanted gaze of soceities beauty norms, hyper-sexualization, and shit that goes down on the street, when you're just trying to walk to get some candy at the corner store.
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