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Porn; Why we are afraid to reclaim our hornyness and the surprising benefits of erotic content

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

Image from the comic "Lucie Makes Porn"
Image from the comic "Lucie Makes Porn"


Porn is one of those things that people don't like to talk about, and in most circles it doesn't get talked about very openly or at all. I remember being curious from a young age about humans bodies, what they could do, what does it mean to be in a relationship and what is sex. I would search on youtube videos of women kissing, and was surprised to find that I was turned on. At the time I didn't know enough about my body or eroticism to fully understand the sensations and emotions, but I did feel attracted to what I was seeing, and it opened up something within me. The curious person who wanted to learn and experience. And I think it is natural for kids, youth, adolescent people, and adults to want to learn, explore, and experience, although the internet is not always a safe place. In my middle school years around 2010 Instagram came out, this was huge as the year before I finally got a Facebook account, against my moms permission, and was finally ready to set into the social media world. I had no idea what this meant or that this app would still be in existence today in 2025, but I could already feel the power that it had. Of course at the time, what was available on Instagram is not what is available now, it is an almost completely different platform, but the access to information and content was present. As the years went by, Instagram seemed to be more about posting pictures of your body, sexualized photos, and less about a wide array of general photos. Now with Instagram completely controlled by algorithms, semi nude pictures showing skin are favored at a disproportionately high rate. This means that pictures with more skin are prioritized on your feed. There was a study done from the European Data Journalism Network and AlgorithmWatch in 2020, that analyzed pictures on the platform with engagement metrics and Instagrams policies. They found that women who posted pictures in bikinis or showed more skin were 54% more likely to be shown on the news feed of the volunteers, and while Instagram does not allow nudity and for creators to use Instagram for sex work, Instagram does use and encourage people to show their skin for the platform, which further creates more sexualization and larger lasting effects for women in engaging in their accounts in the future.

Why does all of this matter? Its just Instagram, and Porn.... But the thing is it does matter. Whether or not you engage on pornographic and erotic websites or have a social media account is not the only way to be affected by these platforms. So many people are engaging whether it's your family members, partners, friends, or colleagues which means that most likely a large percentage of people within your close community are being directly affected.. That's why this matters... The messages I had heard about porn growing up was that it was bad, that it was dirty, and that it was inherently abusive because nobody especially women would want to do that work willingly. This resulted in me thinking that it probably was not the best thing in society to support, but also a part of me was curious about porn as it was already so embedded into society while I was growing up in a growing digital era and highly sexualized society. In addition, there have been many religious groups who claim that porn is addictive and that watching porn can lead to sex addiction,porn addiction, and overall failure in life due to the heavy concept of sin. I will include a few christian and catholic websites that clearly state that all porn is bad, is a sin, and is ruining the lives of people that watch porn.



There are many psychologists who believe that porn is also something that creates negative effects on mental and relational well being. And most parents that I have talked to, do not encourage porn use and generally want to avoid the topic overall, fearful that by talking about this topic their children and family will become curious. But even with so much apprehension and general negative discourse in the mass media about porn, there is still a large percentage of people consuming erotic content and making it. So let's dive in..


We cannot talk about porn and erotic content without talking about masturbation. They are tightly connected. Masturbation historically speaking has had a very negative and traumatizing past. When we look at sex in the larger picture, pleasure that is experienced for the sole purpose of enjoyment and desire is seen as wrong and self focused, this includes masturbation. Even in long term healthy seeming relationships often times there is a disconnect or issue when the topic of masturbation comes up. And especially porn use with masturbation. And while many people claim that their issue is of their partner using porn, the deeper issue and meaning often times comes with the correlating action which is self pleasure..


I have spoken with many peers and have found that many have not masturbated much while they were in romantic relationships, or if they did they felt that it was something that should be kept a secret. That their masturbation and self pleasure rituals were more accepted when they were single, but that once they had a sexual and romantic relationship, their masturbation and views about it turned to something that was filled with shame, secrecy, and judgement. Like their partner should be able to fulfill their sexual needs and wants, and that masturbation should be a thing from the past. But when we deconstruct pleasure and our bodies, there are many ways to experience pleasure and many ways to deepen our connection with our bodies, while still maintaining a relationship with someone else. Self pleasuring is different from sex with another individual, the pacing is often more aligned with your needs, you don't need to be focused on the other persons pleasure, you are focused on your own body and sensations, and having an opportunity to communicate to your own body what you want. This often times can create a safe space to explore what feels good in a space where there is no judgement or perceived feelings from another person/persons. The space is solely for you. This can be a challenging norm because our social conditioning claims and states that once you find a partner that's the right match for you, that should be enough, in every realm, the physical, the emotional, the romantic, the spiritual, the intellectual, the everything. But as we evolve and grow in this capitalistic society that constantly pushes us to keep moving, I find that its increasingly hard to have the time, space, and energy to fulfill all the needs and desires of your partner/partners, and that includes sex and masturbation.

Some people say that masturbation within a relationship is cheating, that it is wrong, that it is not necessary, and that it is offensive to the other partner. But what is so wrong and offensive about taking time to be with yourself? About doing something good for your nervous system? About exploring your sensuality through your own touch? About having a moment to yourself in this ever expanding overwhelming society? If challenging your sensual desire helps you to be more inline with your body, with your mind, and then therefore with your partner/partners, then this seems like a greatly positive experience and vulnerable enrichment to me....


THE BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION





While much talk of masturbation is not openly discussed and more secretive, I think there is much to learn and gain by openly owning your self pleasure. By stating and trying, if it is in your desire, that yes I engage in this healthy practice. There are countless studies, and more to this day that are examining the relationship people have with their bodies in terms of self pleasure. And countless benefits are being found. There is a recent study from 2023, "The Role of Mutual Masturbation within Relationships: Associations with Sexual Satisfaction and Sexual Self-Esteem" that talks about mutual masturbation. This is the act of two or more people engaging in self stimulation, and although the exact definition can vary, this is a working definition. They examine people's feelings and emotions in regards to mutual masturbation in their relationships and found that engaging in mutual masturbation enhanced sexual satisfaction and can increase sexual repertoire. Their findings have great impacts as this leads us in the direction of opening up our negative beliefs about masturbation within the context of relationships! This open communication creates a stronger bond and fosters a sense of trust, which is fundamental for any successful relationship. As partners become more comfortable discussing their needs, the sexual experience can become more fulfilling. Moreover, masturbation does not need to be a solitary activity; it can be incorporated into partnered experiences. When couples openly share their self-pleasure practices, they can explore new desires together, further solidifying their bond.

Additionally, masturbation does not need to be a solitary activity; it can be incorporated into partnered experiences. When couples openly share their self-pleasure practices, they can explore new desires together, further solidifying their bond.

Struggling to drift off at night? Masturbation may be just the remedy you need. The relaxation and release that comes post-orgasm can foster better sleep quality. By promoting the release of tension and inducing feelings of calm, it can ease the journey into slumber.

Another amazing benefit is the hormonal shifts that occur following orgasm—such as the increase in oxytocin and prolactin—can contribute to a deeper and more restful sleep. So, the next time you're facing a restless night, consider self-pleasure as a natural solution.

Not only are there benefits for your romantic relationship, but there are also health benefits that have been studied in many populations. Of course there is significant lack of research overall in the fields of women's sexuality, pleasure in the body, queer pleasure, and very little funding allocated to these studies that explore the body without an incentive for a product generating money for corporations. But I did find a relevant study that can help us broaden our societal narratives about masturbation, and help to reduce shame. In 2024, "Exploring the Role of Masturbation as a Coping Strategy in Women" examined how individuals tend to engage in masturbation when they have elevated stress levels and investigated this in a large sample of women. They found that for most of the people in the study, self pleasuring was used as a reliable coping strategy and therefore reducing overall stress with many positive effects. The act of self pleasure as a part of self care is something that this research article did a great job of exploring, because when we shift the narrative away from the shame based, secretive, and negative views of our bodies and our connection to our sexual body, we are shifting the narrative to a space that is more open, expansive, and liberatory. A place that invites intimacy and invites connecting with our bodies in a deeper way for healing and for greater wellness.



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Pleasure Practices in a Post Porn Era


  1. Be curious. If you find yourself asking questions, being turned on, or even having moment of desire, allow yourself to go to that place of curiosity and explore it.

  2. Start touching yourself more. This can mean anywhere, on your face your hands, your genitals, or legs. Touching can be sexual or it can be sensual, a way to connect in small ways with your body, without orgasm or specific goals.

  3. Engage in eye contact, intentional eye gazing and contact. This can be done alone looking in the mirror, and seeing what you feel and think while you look. Or this can be done with a partner, a friend, a lover. Many of these practices I find have a beautiful effect and impact even done in a non sexual way. By engaging in eye contact I found that I am able to see what makes me uncomfortable, and what makes me human.

  4. Try exploring the free option for the recommended erotic websites above. Many of them offer free trials, or one free video before commiting to signing up. This can be a great way to browse and introduce yourself to new erotic content without the pressure of needing to commit to something right away.

  5. Engage in an open conversation with someone you trust. This doesn't have to be your sexual partner/s, this can be family, friends, someone in your community and ask them these questions. For many, these questions we have never asked and said out loud before to another person, and by doing so you can learn a lot about yourself and another person.




    Questions:

    1. What was your first experience with porn/erotic content? Describe the experience.

    2. How do you feel about porn now, in general? Why do you think you feel that way?

    3. If you do watch porn, how do you feel about it? Do you want to explore another aspect of your sexuality?

    4. What excites you about erotic content or something that you have seen?

    5. What closes and distressed you about erotic content or something that you have seen?



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