The Diversity of Vulvas; the harmful messaging of societies fear of our bodies!
- tamarweir8
- Apr 25, 2025
- 9 min read
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir
Being a person with a vulva, with a vagina comes with lots of shit. Being a person with any genitals really is something.... I remember as a young girl being so curious about my vulva, this interesting weird place that had so many little spaces and grooves. I was fascinated by bodies and my body too. As middle school and high school approached the conversations began to shift into the direction of what is a "normal" vagina, right. Like there is a set of normal and there is a set of non normal, odd, and not desired type of vagina. There was a lot of conversation about the ways that vaginas should be, based on movies we had seen or other conversations we had overheard. Lots of gossiping and spreading of misinformation was the primary basis for my education on this anatomical genital area. So much so that in high school I got my vagina fully brazilian waxed every month, for many many months because that is just what I assumed I had to do. Nobody was necessarily telling me that in those words, but the feeling was there, the pressure was present. As a 16 year old I would sit in the salon for an hour in agonizing pain just to fit into this unreachable standard of no body hair, no realness. There are moments and events that further cemented this idea of the female form being gazed upon, that being feminine and being sexual is something risky and that asking for pleasure is unacceptable.
I went to my medical health provider, Kaiser for a routine check up. They asked me all the standard questions about my sexual partners and activities, if I was using protection, and how I felt about it. I remember answering honestly and thinking that it would allow for a deeper conversation with the female doctor, but instead they labeled me as a "High Risk Sexual Behavior Teen". In that moment I felt completely betrayed and hurt. I felt that this label put onto my medical record history forever was unfair, that I was being truthful and the consequences were this assumption about my behavior. This was at the time of high school before I came out as queer and polyamorous, so I can't imagine how that conversation would have gone with all these added elements and identities, but even at the time being a sexually explorative teen was too much for this doctor. This type of situation upsets me because there is a big gender discrepancy when it comes to care in medical institutions. If I had had a very strict parental upbringing and having this medically added onto my health chart forever could have really led to shame, violence, or more ostracization within the home. I don't take this lightly because after this doctor visit I really did start to question for a little bit this assumed promiscuous lense that was put onto me. What was I at high risk for? That was never fully mentioned but probably many things because anytime you engage in sex there are risks, that is just the truth. But to label someone in a high risk sexual behavior category can have more negative impacts than positive, even if the doctors intention seemed harmless at the time.
There's a lot of misinformation about the vulva and the vagina. You may be wondering why I am using the two words and why not one. Well, because the vagina and the vulva are different words. Most people are taught to use the word vagina to describe the general genital area, but this is untrue. The vagina anatomically is the inner passageway that connects to the womb and the uterus. The vagina is also the passageway from where a baby is born. The vulva is the outer part, so the inner/outer labia, the pubic mound, the clitoris, all of that is the vulva. Many people don't know this and even medical doctors will misuse this word. For most of my life I thought that these two words were synonyms and had no difference at all. Just thought that if one word was used instead of the other, it was because of the person's personal preference. And while I believe that we all have the ability to choose and find words that feel good for our bodies and our spirits, education on anatomy is also important! Learning all the options, different words, the meanings, and then from that place coming to the decision of which words feel good for each individual to use for their bodies, is key....
Vulva diversity is something that I never understood. As a concept and a young girl entering into puberty, that was not the message I was hearing around me. That was not common. Hearing people talking about big labias, small labias, brown or pink labias, the different qualities and aspects of difference that each vulva holds, was foreign to me. I very much thought that there was about 2 different vulva types and that was it. That if you didn't have a very specific type of vulva, then something was wrong with you, with your body. Now I remember as I grew into my sexual body and started exploring and sharing that with sexual partners, there was a varied reaction to vulvas. Some of my partners just generally avoided the area, didn't linger long to touch or look, and there were others who were very into saying that I had " a nice looking vagina" whatever that means. Not necessarily appreciating this body part, this sacred space, but just confirming that there is a certain image to uphold even within the vulva.... So not only is there a "perfect" body, or "perfect" hair, there's also a "perfect" vulva.... ??
Diversity of Nature by Jacqueline Secor
10 things I wish I could share with my 15 year old self about VAGINAS & VULVAS:
1.Your vulva has a smell, there is nothing "natural" about a vagina smelling like a honeysuckle pineapple.
2.Vulvas all look different, and can feel a bit different.
3.Stop making fun of people's camel toes, the vulva is allowed to be visible.
4.Be more curious about your own body, society wants you to fear it.
5.Don't wait for some lil boy to try to “give” you orgasms or experiences.
6.Virginity is a social construct, if you want to have sex it’s okay and if not it’s okay too.
7.Most people don’t know what they’re doing or what they like, exploring that for yourself will help you feel more confident in the future.
8.Don't believe the bullshit from the movies, read erotic literature written by women/ non cis men.
9.You're not responsible for someone else’s pleasure.
10.You have a cute vulva!
Many people are visual learners, and we receive lots of visual stimulation and content on a daily basis. Whether it be huge billboards all across the freeways, ads on most websites, television shows, magazines, there always seems to be some visual content around us, it's almost unavoidable. It's like being at a restaurant filled with TV screens and you so desperately try to look away to enjoy your meal with tranquility and peace, but find your eyes keep looking up and are glued to the screen. Most of the vulvas being shown are not diverse, do not include variation in color, texture, labia sizes, clitoris sizes, and hair.
A few weeks ago, another reminder of societals expectations, stereotypes, and overall body shame propaganda slapped me in the face, AGAIN. I was at the beach in Mexico, soaking up the sun in my little bikini, thinking to myself that my body hair was very obvious. That my pubic hair was coming out of the side of my bathing suit. I tried to question why I cared, and why I was suddenly putting attention on this topic, and then I looked around me. I did not see one body that was wearing a bikini, with hair around their inner thighs... And while I am a firm believer in the idea that everyone should be able to explore their body and their presentation for whatever feels best for them, I couldn't help but wonder WHY IS THERE NO BODY HAIR< WHY IS THERE NO VULVA HAIR ON THIS BEACH? Those thoughts in my head, of the media industrial complex started to creep in, creating shame in my body, until I realized that those were not my emotions, those were the feelings put onto me by a society that fears body hair. That fears a powerful vulva. That fears sooo much.
There are so many examples of the ways that this capitalistic society creates shame and hatred of the body, and especially bodies that are socialized and perceived as feminine/women's bodies. Wether its medical misinformation about female pleasure and orgasm, to the porn industrial complex that undervalues the erotic while simultaneously hypersexualizing women, to the language we use as a western society when we talk about bodies... The list goes on and on and on..... The way the gender binary creates a difference and a separation of only two genders is another example of a system that further perpetuates the idea that our bodies are rigid, and not fluid vessels of experiences and knowledge.
Some things people need to be talking about at the
DINNER TABLE:
The clitoris is a sex organ that's only function is to provide pleasure. So while we are fed information about who is deserving of pleasure, and that sex is only for procreation, our bodies give us this beautiful gift of sensation..... Hmmmmm. The clitoris has more than 8000 nerve endings, research from the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2023 published these findings. This was the first study to quantify the number of nerve fibers in the human clitoris. Research like this is huge, it gives people other knowledge and pathways for their sexual health, their emotional health, and shaping the way that we create discourse in our inner communities about sex.
In addition to this beautiful spot on the body called the clitoris, the vagina also contains many liquids and wetness capabilities, including menstruation. Period sex and opening up discussions around periods remains taboo in many societies. Although it is a natural and healthy part of the human body and its function, the underlying notion is that it should be something private, dealt with alone, and quietly. Many educational systems fail to provide comprehensive information about menstruation and how this connects to our sexual health, or we are only fed one version, a narrow one. This lack of information fosters myths and misconceptions, and a general disconnection from our own bodies natural cycle and rhythm. Cycles of shame can go very deep. I know that now even as a 26 year old studying sex, I still have questions and confusion around my period. I am re teaching myself what it means to have a period, and understanding the cycle in a more complex way. Thinking about our connections to our periods and our emotional state is inherently linked to our sexual journey as well. A study published in 2005 examined the link between menstrual shame and lower levels of sexual activity and higher levels of sexual risk. They noticed that women who reported feeling more comfort and confidence about menstruation, also reported more body comfort in general, leading to more sexual assertiveness, more positive experience, with less sexual risk.
Now speaking of sexual assertiveness.. and the vulva... In high school when I was beginning to enter the journey of sex and intimacy, I remember feeling the sense of secrecy. I wanted to join this club of adulthood, and to me that meant having sex. I began taking birth control before my mom and I even talked about it, thinking I was so ready to begin this new life, a life with sex. My boyfriend at the time was not a very kind person, he was very self absorbed, and lacked a lot of empathy. I wanted to wait until I turned 16 to have sex, as a symbolic marker of this moment in time, but he wanted to have sex already and said that I was almost 16 so 15 was pretty close and that it didn't matter. Now this is the moment where some sexual assertiveness on my end and some confidence about my own body could have really helped me. I was convinced to have sex before my 16th birthday, and remember feeling unsure but pushed those feelings aside for the future pleasure to be had. Although, the penis in the vagina penetration, one act show was not very interesting, nor did it leave me satisfied in this future pleasure oasis like I had hoped. And while I don't remember the details of that night, I remember within our romantic relationship, I performed oral sex on him so many times, that even his mom walked in on us one time in the shower, she was horrified. What I don't remember, is if there was any oral sex to be had for me, any care given to my body, I really don't remember which makes me think it did not happen/exist. Overall confidence and knowledge about our bodies helps us to be active agents in the decision making process, in the collaborative process, and in the negotiation process of sex and what feels good. Because as more people are coming into this awareness now, they are realizing that sex is not just penis in a vagina and everyone has a perfectly adequate orgasm from this act. Sex can be anything you want it to be and more. It can be limited or vast. It can be a conversation. And the vulva, and the vagina need to be talked about at dinner ya'll.
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