To Peg or not to Peg: A College Reflection

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir. 2020

As a child I was constantly told by my parents to be who I wanted to be. They encouraged me to blossom into my own person as I ran around the house naked and asked a million questions. The confidence my parents instilled in me was the core of how I became the person I am today. Not only that but, since I am the youngest child of three, I remember feeling as though questioning my older siblings was the portal to adulthood whatever that meant. The concept of gender and sexuality was never explicitly discussed in the house when I was young but, as I recall with fondness the memories of my childhood, I remember no hostility or reluctance to discuss these identities and topics. In my early years I was fond of being naked, more so than other children. I remember vividly wanting to be naked and dancing around constantly. I had no inhibitions, that was clear! My being was authentic and although I felt I was a young girl, I never questioned my gender because I always felt comfortable and safe with myself and others around me. 

I grew up in Napa, California, a small town where diversity was lacking and difference was not encouraged. But my mental capacity grew as I started puberty and my questions only intensified as well. I remember feeling unusually angry, especially towards the people with whom I was closest, and agitated at the most random times. It seemed as though I would intentionally pick fights with my parents, that never went unresolved but caused lots of frustrations. About? I did not know that yet, but I saw and felt my body changing in a momentous way and did not know whether to jump up and down in excitement or cry. I did both, a lot. 

 As I grew into a young woman I felt this radical change would affect the rest of my life, and even at the time I knew how special this stage in my life was, (probably because my mom reminded me every day). When I was in 6th grade things started to get harder because I lost some of that childhood confidence and worried about people judging me and thinking I was stupid or unpopular. I wanted deeply to look like everyone else and be someone I wasn't. I sadly remember my mom one day hugging me as I cried in her arms shakingly telling her “I'm ugly” and how her immediate reaction was comfort and covering up all the mirrors in the house with sheets so that I could stop being so critical of myself. Although my family and friends were extremely supportive in my journey, becoming a woman was a new unknown territory that made me feel badly about all the aspects of myself I used to love. 

In high school my first boyfriend and I were completely inseparable, young love was real for us at the time. I did anything and everything for that boy, so much so that I was blinded by the reality of our relationship. I was in a deeply emotionally abusive relationship that contained heavy amounts of pressure, manipulation, and guilt. After a little over a year I broke up with him and at that moment as he cried into my arms begging me and ensuring me he would change, I felt a specific calmness inside, one that would remain no matter what he said. Sex in that relationship was not for my pleasure, but rather the emphasis was him reaching an orgasm, and me doing all the work. If sex did not go according to that plan there would be serious fights which over time led me to feel unempowered by my body and sexuality. I didn't know what I wanted, but I did know that what I was doing was all for him, and that didn't seem right. 

Growing from that experience I learned that I needed to do my own research, touch my own body, and be comfortable in my own sexuality even if I did not have all the answers. My relationships afterwards were much more open and allowed me to explore what kind of sex I liked, reaching orgasm sometimes but not often. I still felt the same feeling of the men's pleasure put before mine a majority of the time. As I talked with my friends, some of them had not reached orgasm yet and also agreed with my experience of having sex with men.

Currently as a young college student I am very in touch with who I am. I am a Persian Israeli American woman and have experienced both the negative and positive aspects of getting to know my body. My relationship to my body now is something that I work on every day as I try to be mindful of the fact that there should not be one set standard of beauty. The more I repeat this mantra the more I believe that beauty comes from within. My biggest struggle right now is exploring who I am in the bedroom and what I want sex to look like. In the past I often felt pressured to suck a man’s dick, or to put their orgasm before mine in most cases, and to not speak up clearly about my wants and needs. I’ve felt a lot of shame surrounding the vocalization of my wants, which has led me in the past to be silent. But I have also engaged with partners more recently who are much more open and this has allowed me to feel comfortable enough in my own body to vocalize what feels right for me. 

For my experiment I decided to try something new sexually, I pegged a man! I cannot even begin to describe how this made me feel. It made me feel liberated, powerful, sexy, and vulnerable all at the same time. As I put on my strap on I noticed that I felt shy and awkward. Having this phallic, purple, heavy mass situated on my groin area was unfamiliar and exciting. I then went into an alter ego or different version of myself and carried that throughout the whole sexual experience. I found myself more often than not wondering and questioning if what I was doing was pleasurable and enjoyable enough for him. I noticed on the flip side that previously with sex it seemed as though my pleasure had not been considered in this way. I also noticed that I loved being dominant and in control, given that usually I have been put into the submissive role. I have even accepted it and enjoyed this role, but the more I have self reflected the more I have realized that this role was given to me and not chosen by me. I needed to switch things up and thank god I did because the new sensation I received by being the person in control and being the person who is fucking the other person was amazing.  

Reflecting on the experience has been beneficial for me because it has allowed me to see all the ways that being a woman has affected the role I have played in my sexual experiences. Being a woman has forced me to fit a certain model of a person during sex and as a consequence has made me feel devalued and less than. I consider myself to be an empowered woman, but up until I had pegged a man I don't think I fully grasped the fact that sex could take many shapes and forms not only conceptually speaking but in my own reality. I am a woman but I can also create and manifest what I want to see and feel. Those moments do not have to be chosen for me by men and do not have to remain fixed. I am constantly growing. And through that knowledge I am slowly, slowly able to heal myself from my past, and manifest a vision that is real and true without feeling my pasts shame, guilt, fear, or helplessness.

I am me and that is for me to decide.