To Spank or not to Spank; investigations into the intimate weavings of trauma & pleasure
- tamarweir8
- Jan 28, 2025
- 8 min read
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir
I've always been a very curious person by nature, in my soul, and deep in my heart. Whether it is learning something new and going out of my comfort zone to do that, or fully immersing myself in an experience that I know will be scary or rewarding, i'm always looking to learn and to feed my curiosities. This might stem from being the youngest child and taking on the observer lense in many situations, as a way to understand what was happening in front of me, the overt and the covert. Unpacking through observation. Another part of me is the part that finds freedom and safety through exploration and newness. I believe, this is partly due to my astrological sign.... I am a sagittarius and a leo moon. To me this combination creates a lil juicy dynamic where I am constantly seeking adventures, freedom loving experiences, I am philosophical and open minded as well. To learn more about your astrological combination and perhaps guide you to some deeper understandings of yourself, check out the link here.
For the sake of this blog, I want to dive deep into the intricacies of exploration, kink, and the interplays of new dynamics with different romantic and sexual partners.
Kink has historically been demonized and shamed. Like anything juicy and interesting.... heavy stigma was connected to people who wanted to live and experience pleasure beyond the binary of the conservative scripts of our horrible sex education and media propaganda. Kinky behavior is nothing new, this shit is ancient and deeply woven into the fabrics of many people's experiences in societies and cultures in the depths of history. For example, the oldest dildo is 28,000 years old! German archeologists discovered a shiny and smooth phallic item in 2005, and was identified as one of the oldest sex toys ever! There is so much sexual and romantic history, that shapes the way society views kink in general, and the stigma that is intentionally attached to anything that deviates from the perception of what is the norm. Scholar and Historian Esmé Louise James discusses the intricacies of how kink was prevalent in history and the ways that we can write kink back into the pages and narratives of everyday life. Esmé highlights key moments in history where we see kinky behavior and desires being displayed in her Ted talk. Some notable and interesting examples in her discussion are.., foot cleavage in the syphilis epidemic, foot sex in the AIDS era, and the first dildo!! But what really impacted me about her video was the emphasis on unpacking the shame and stigma around the conversations about kink, sex, identity, and gender.
For me, I started exploring non vanilla sex at a young age, but in small ways. I loved getting blindfolded and bought my first very bad quality set, that included handcuffs, a blindfold, and a lil whip. I do remember feeling nervous to introduce this to my partners, and boyfriends at the time. They were not necessarily the most judgemental people, but they were very heteronormative. With my partner in college, I remember being able to have conversations in a deeper way about our desires, and this lead to talking about our kinks..... At this time, I also had a habit of asking my new lovers to take the BDSM test, to learn more about each other through this easy yet effective way of receiving information..
Seeing people's reactions to me suggesting they take this test was always interesting..... Some people were very excited and turned on by my request and suggestion, but others looked confused and wondered why this was necessary for us to have sex... why was this connected? At the time, I did not have all the answers as to why this was important to me, but intuitively I knew that this was something that brought me joy and expansion. An opportunity to learn more about the depths of my being, and truly feel for myself what my limits were...
I realize now that I don't need all my partners to identify as kinky, or be completely compatible with my top results from the BDSM test..... As I embark on the journey of pleasure and my desires, I know that there will be people who like a certain flavor, and others who are into a combination... I know I can find a sexual dynamic that is satisfying and exhilarating and it does not need to be the basis for all my relationships, that is why polyamory is so liberating and lifesaving to me.
Something I would also LOVE to highlight is being able to explore kink in safe and sexy spaces.... This September I attended my first "Sex Down South" Conference in Atlanta. This conference is filled with beautiful people talking about their passions and their ever evolving work. The conference was created with the intention of centering black and brown 2SLGBTQIA+people.. I was naturally very curious as my kinky exploration has been in mainly white spaces up until recently.... So I bought my ticket and went to this three day extravaganza.... I was very nervous, arriving alone and being in a room with hundreds of people was intimidating.... It was new and therefore a bit uncomfortable.... But also exhilarating and beautiful to receive so much information and space to explore.. For the juicy, detailed descriptions of all the fun I had, contact me separately and we can talk! But in my first experience there I can say, I would 100% go again, I would recommend this conference to people in the sex field but also lovers and curious folks who want to dive deep into the steamy...
With my current partner, we have had quite a few conversations about sex and intimacy... He is a cis man, sorta straight, neurodivergent and leans more into relationship anarchy/ non labels.... I am a cis woman, queer, neurotypical, and very poly! When we first started dating, I remember we came across many ways that we were very different. First of all, his first language is Spanish, and mine is English, so in our basic communication, we had to find ways to be creative. To open ourselves up, to find that rythm, and within that, balance. There were many ways in which we showed up in the relationship in ways that the other didn't... For instance for me, before beginning sex or initiating, I always have a conversation first. This is due to my very verbal nature, but also because of my positive herpes status which has pushed me in having hard conversations and figuring out the ways I wanted to communicate about my body in ways that felt healing and good. In his case, as someone who is neurodivergent and is constantly overwhelmed with many thoughts and having to find ways to communicate them in ways that other people will accept, he found bliss in not always having to communicate verbally, but communicate with feeling. Obviously our ways of entering into intimacy were very different and this did cause some questioning and discovery in the beginning. Moments of "How Can you Do it this Way?" and stepping into the thought process of the other.....
Another example of the way in which we are different is in some of our desires... Well duh, I think most partnerships contain some level of diversity in desires and needs. I am a dominant person in my everyday life, like I said I am very vocal and make my opinions known. I like making decisions and being in control. I like information. And so in my sexual relationships, I like to feel that someone else/other people are in control. That they are deciding, and taking the lead. In that, I also enjoy playing with the boundaries of pain and pleasure. The roughness. And this I learned feels very good to me. So... one day I asked him to slap me. To me this was a request I had made many times in the past, so it felt ordinary and didn't make me think twice. My request started a larger conversation, a door that we opened and entered for a while.. He deepened his sharing with me that throughout his childhood he was hit frequently with hands and belts as a common way of discipline. These intense experiences with his family throughout many years of his life impacted the way he related to this physical act, one that created pain and confusion for him as a child. It also affected the way he liked and enjoyed sex, and relating with bodies. For him, he liked the more smooth rhythm and dynamic of the union bodies, while for me I liked the rougher stuff. I grew up in a family where I never felt scared or fear of being disciplined in that violent way. I came into my kinky discovery without that layer of intensity attached to impact play. Through many conversations and moments, we came to find harmony in that we both liked very different things maybe more naturally, but that we could come together and explore the desires of the other person and enjoy them too. Through the bond and the trust we cultivated we shifted what our limits were previously, and experimented with feeling the discomfort but also knowing we could push ourselves in new ways that also felt healing.
Kinky behavior has been studied and investigated quite a lot. But the undertones and overtones are most often to further the agenda of pathologizing people with these desires and behaviors. Kink and BDSM has often been considered a result of severe trauma in that person, and that there is inherently a traumatic reason for the person to want or desire this certain sexual fantasy or dynamic. Few studies have been conducted as a way to understand the diverse desires and experiences people can have without further stigmatizing sexuality.... The Journal of Sexual Medicine published an article in 2015, exploring sexual fantasies of 1,516 adults who ranked their favorite sexual fantasies out of 55. Through their analysis they concluded that more care should be taken before labeling sexual fantasies unusual, weird, or deviant. Another article that explores sex research in relation to kink, is through the sex worker and researcher Aella. Aella conducted the largest every study on fetishes and what is has to teach us about sex and pleasure.... Aella explores how each fetish has a place and that through their research they hope to normalize people with fetishes. Kink appears to be a common element of sexual fantasies with over 60% of a canadian sample, reporting fantasizing about one or more aspects of kink, contrary to the assumptions that kinky people are pathological and rare....
If you're reading this blog I think it's worth taking a moment to reflect on what you know about yourself, kink, and your beliefs....
How did you first learn about kink, BDSM, and fetishes?
What are the messages you ingested about these topics?
What are some biases you think you carry with you about kink, BDSM and fetishes?
Does somebody's desires and kinkiness change the way you think about them in a negative or positive way?
How are you either willing or unwilling to open up your ideas about sex, pleasure, and pain?
If you are curious about spreading the love of kink and trying some juicy things, I am so thrilled to include some resources below to help you feel less alone in this exploration.
I will add more as well, feel free to periodically check back in!
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