How thinking my bff gave me oral herpes shifted my idea of STI's

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir

So as many of you may know, since I write about and talk about this topic a lot, I have genital herpes. I have had this virus since freshman year of college in 2017. And although I have genital herpes, there are two types of herpes. HSV 1 and HSV 2. To learn more about both types and my longer saga /life story, go to my blog titled "Herpes.... Lets talk about it".

In the last 8 years since I have had this STI, I have experienced a wide array of emotions. From fear to shame, to judgement and disbelief. To self sabotage, to acceptance, and many mushy things inbetween. In general, there is so much fear around sex and the dangers that in my experience most people don't want to open up and converse, although while engaging in sexual activity they are willing. The idea that a conversation can feel more vulnerable and intimate than another person touching your body everywhere and having access to your body in this unique way, is something that confuses me. But... what's not confusing and just abundantly clear is that people are not taught about how to communicate about sex. People are not taught to communicate about their bodies in ways, that invite and open up conversation.

Where am I going with this? Well. The general discourse around communication around sexual health is still very lacking. I find that most people don't want to engage in conversations about sex before a sexual encounter happens, they want the spontaneity to lead the way. Or the people who do want to feel heard and hear others, they long for that door to be opened but find themselves not initiating the conversations. Additionally, a study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that among college students, less than half communicated with sexual partners about HIV (24%) and STI (33%) prevention in the past four months. This lack of communication was associated with lower self-efficacy in obtaining sexual consent and inconsistent condom use, underscoring the role of open dialogue in promoting safer sexual behaviors. PMC

These studies underscore the need for improved sexual health education and communication strategies to reduce stigma and promote open discussions about sexual health and STI prevention. I know at times it can feel easier said than done.

How do we open up dialogue to talk about our desires and our fears, when society as a whole feeds us sex negative body shaming propaganda on the daily?

The blurry lines of what people should be opening up conversations about and what doesn't need to be communicated is very situational and contextual, cultural, and personal. What one person feels is important to disclose might not be important for a different person to disclose in the same way. I have a habit, or rather my brain has a habit of categorizing and assuming things are universal, but I know that they are not. Disclosing you have herpes to a new sexual partner before anything sexual begins, in my opinion is necessary and valuable information. But that is my opinion as someone who has herpes and an educator. What about in 20 years, will herpes and the stigma be a thing of the past? Will people say, "Oh yeah everyone has that" and regard it as something minor like a winter cold and flu? I don't have all the answers but I do see a world where sexual stigma reduces, where herpes becomes something talked about in a way that is not othering, and where STI testing is more accessible for all people therefore making this a practice that a large amount of the population engage in more casually. Furthermore, a survey by the Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) revealed that while a majority of the public feels comfortable discussing STIs with healthcare providers (84%) and sexual partners (75%), comfort levels decrease when it comes to talking about STIs with close friends (67%) or family (61%). These findings highlight that while many individuals are open to discussing sexual health in certain contexts, stigma and discomfort persist in more personal or familial settings. KFF

After discussing with many people throughout the years about their experience with STI's I find that almost every person discusses their experience with a more negative toned feeling. That they feel it is something dirty or that they would rather not bring it up. I know from experience that many people with penises that I have talked to, have admitted to me that they don't disclose to their partners that they have herpes, because they always use protection, and therefore it's okay. But is it?

What is okay for me is...

understanding that bodies are layered.

understanding that all of our bodies have some sort of shit

accepting that we don't always have control even when our intentions are good

accepting that sex is always a risk, wether it be physical, emotional, mental, etc

acknowledging that people can make mistakes

saying you don't know enough, but want to educate yourself more

supporting your partners/friends who are sexual, without shame for their desires

supporting your partners/friends who are NOT sexual, without shame for their needs

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a close friend of mine and she was telling me she has HSV 1- oral herpes. That it wasn't a big deal for her because it was transmitted in a non sexual way, through sharing items around the house, maybe a coffee mug or some other item. That it was transmitted in a harmless way and that she rarely gets sores, but when she does they are a bit uncomfortable and feel different than a skin irritation or pimple. I listened to her story as she said that she felt an outbreak coming, but that it was unclear, as often the first day it's hard to fully assess whether the sore is herpes or something else. I took precautions after that conversation for the rest of the time we were in the same space, to use my own mugs, and to generally use my own items just until we confirmed what was going on. Then, a few days later I started to feel some discomfort on the left side of the bottom of my lip. It didn't feel like a pimple or something of that nature. So immediately I thought back to that conversation a few days prior and assumed that I had contracted HSV 1 on my lips. After all most people have it, but use other names to distinguish this supposed "difference" from genital herpes. Using words like a sore, bump, irritation, rather than the stigmatized good ol' name herpes. Many heavy emotions came up for me as I was internally processing this potential new diagnosis. I was transported back to the dorm rooms and to freshmen year of college, being insecure and feeling so beaten down by my new herpes diagnosis. Feeling so alone in the feeling, and in my bodily experience. Internally my body was panicking, although my emotions and my mind knew ways to come back to calm, and to come back to all the transformation I have had in the last decade.

For many people, a sexually transmitted infection, or a sexual irritation, whether it be from the spermicide in condoms, the tight synthetic underwear, or some bacteria changing up the natural flow, can really cause panic. In a society that hyper sexualizes young girls, while simultaneously shaming those same girls for being sexually open or explorative, changes in our bodies can feel scary. They can feel very personal and deeply confusing. Herpes, Trichomoniasis, Chlamydia, and HPV are the most common STI's prevalent in the U.S according to the CDC in 2018.

Studies conducted in the United States consistently reveal that individuals often avoid discussing sexual health and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), despite the importance of such conversations for public health and personal well-being.

A study published in Pediatrics found that less than half of adolescents have discussions about sexual health topics, such as puberty, STIs, HIV, and birth control, with their primary care providers during routine medical visits. Only 14% of younger adolescents (11-14 years old) and 38.7% of older adolescents (15-17 years old) reported being asked about their sexual activity at their most recent check-up. Conversations about confidentiality and private time with providers were also infrequent, suggesting a gap between the perceived importance of these discussions by parents and adolescents, and the reality of what occurs during visits. Verywell Family

As I contemplated all these things I know to be true about the amazing people doing sexual liberation work, and the general sadness I carried with me through analyzing the medical institutions of the U.S, I realized the answers would not always come so simply wrapped. I immediately made an appointment with my health care provider, Kaiser and was not surprised to find that the soonest appointment was in 3 days.... So I made the appointment, impatiently waiting to go into the doctor's office. Not to my surprise, the day of, the doctor was sick and Kaiser canceled my appointment. I explained to them the situation, and emphasized the importance of me coming in that day since, 1. It was a friday and the weekend they are closed. 2. Testing for herpes is most accurately done swabbing the area which means you need to have an active sore and waiting a few extra days can be a make it or break it situation 3. I made the appointment and wanted to find a solution, maybe another doctor. They were very unhelpful and stated that the lab could not help me with my test and that I would need to wait until next week. Once again, I was feeling very put down by the medical system, where accessibility feels so far away even with health insurance... I then decided to go to Planned Parenthood, and luckily there is one in my hometown. They are open on Saturdays and I went in to seek some help. After waiting for more than an hour, I finally got to see the doctor, where she explained to me that my sore was so small, the accuracy of the test could be very low. She explained that even if the test turned out negative, that did not fully guarantee that I did not contract HSV 1, all it meant was that the test did not gather enough data. So, I had come all this way for basically an inaccurate confusing answer.

After a few days I received and reviewed my results, which were negative, knowing that sometimes answers are unclear, and that's when coming back to the body is ESSENTIAL!

On the long drive that day to the city, I reflected on some questions I had been pondering while waiting in the doctors office.

1.How many people are discouraged and deflated from being proactive in their STI testing because of lack of energy / resources with the medical system?

2.What does it mean to have an infection that is sexually transmitted vs non sexually transmitted, what does it mean in the emotional body?

3.How can people open up discourses about consent that are more than the physical act of sex?

4.Why are people so f*cking afraid of STI's?

5.How can we be less fearful of STI's and more inquisitive of our bodies responses to physical and emotional change?

While, I'm still unclear on if my bff gave me the gift of HSV 1, what is clear are the many gaps in the system, and the countless questions this experience has opened up for me, once again.