Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Art by Audrey Jones This blog today will investigate how my many random, hilarious, and weird tinder dates have helped me in getting better at asking for what I want, even if I don't get it! Back in high school, I downloaded Tinder... I don't remember how I began to hear about this app, but once I did, I knew I had to get on there and swipe. Tinder began in 2012, and has now lost some popularity due to other dating and hookup apps that are more specific and tailored to certain folks needs and desires, but back in the day Tinder was very popular!! As a sexually and romantically curious teenager growing up in a small town with very few options for dating around me, downloading this app opened a whole new world for me, and I was ready to dive in.... I went on a few dates, most of them were not very eventful and quite disappointing in addition to being a waste of time, although I was dedicated to continue in this journey of juiciness. I was also obsessed with trying new things, and having such an easily accessible app to help me reach more people than in just my small towns radius, was huge. Below, are some throwbacks to my early tinder days being a 17 year old.... I know people have mixed feelings about dating apps, as do I. Dating and sexy apps are filled with scary people, situations that can be murky, and exhaustion / overwhelm from all the back and forth messaging and filtering of people through a small screen. I go through periods of loving the connection it brings me, and also needing to take breaks due to feeling the disconnect from being on my phone all the time and constant messaging.... Now it's not all bad, and it's not all good. Tinder and other dating apps having their pros and their cons and its important to investigate the benefits and the disadvantages these apps hold in connection to what you need, want, and your overall framework for dating. Decisions are everywhere. From what we decide to eat to what we wear, how we spend our days and what words we choose to use. Decisions are necessary parts of life, but often times being the one to decide something can be very challenging. Sometimes when there are too many options, decision overwhelm plagues us with doubts about which option is best, or sometimes others have decided for us what we should want / like / do for our whole lives that making our decisions seems foreign and anxiety producing. Even understanding what we want can be a distant experience for folks who are always thinking and having to provide for other people's needs instead of their own. People pleasers, caretakers, and people socialized as women often times have had to put their own desires and needs aside and therefore have not been given the chance to truly connect with what decisions they would truly make. Making a decision can be scary, it can feel like you are closing the door to so many other things, and as someone who is an avid adventurer and seeks new experiences often, I am like an octopus, wanting to put my tentacles in many places at once, but it is not possible. Choosing and deciding actually gives us more options that are right for us, that are aligned with what we want, and filters out some of the excess noise. But where do these juicy stories come in? And how do they connect with specificity and decision making? Back in August of 2022 my best friend and I were in France. We had a few days to explore before meeting up with her family in the scenic south of France countryside for a little vacation. We were in Montpellier, and had excitement filled in our bones. I had already had experiences using tinder while traveling and or on vacation, with some positive experiences, so I suggested to my friend that we make a joint profile indicating that we are purely platonic friends looking for people to take us out on adventures and to pay for us in exchange for good conversation and company, that's it. After a few edits on our profile, we were ready. We started matching with lots of people, and later that night we had scheduled to meet up with a young french guy to watch the sunset and have a little picnic. I remember us nervously waiting for him at this gorgeous fountain at the center of town, already scheming the ways we would get out of the date if he was boring or problematic. He showed up and immeditately we went to the store and filled up the cart with wine, cheese, crackers, meats, all the good essential stuff you want to indugle in during a sunset picnic.... He paid of course as that was the specific arrangement we were looking for. We then headed to this sunset spot, Royale du Peyrou that overlooked the city, filled with lots of other folks enjoying the hues of orange and yellow in the nighy sky. I don't remember much of what we talked about, only that we laughed a lot, and that he spoke really good english. It was an enjoyable night, as the hours went by, we ate and drank, and drank some more before bidding him farewell. It ended up being a funny night, and showed us that we could ask for what we wanted! Fast forward 12 hours, we wake up very hungover, and needing to get to this tiny little town where my friends family was already waiting for our arrival. We didn't have a clear plan, and only knew that our heads hurt, the sun was too bright, and we needed to check out of our airbnb. So we started packing in the heat, and I had an idea... I asked my friend if we should match with someone else, so that we would have an activity to do until we had to make our way to the other town. We were at that point at a cafe with all of our bags, sweating our asses off, brains not fully functioning. We somehow agreed to meet up with another guy, about a 30 min train ride away as he planned for us to have a river picnic and water sounded like the only solution to this hangover... So there we were on the train, going to meet up with a random man at 10 am with ALL of our personal belongings... At the train station we saw him in his car, there he was all ready. We got into his car and quickly realized he spoke very little english, and we spoke absolutely no french, other than my confidence in using google translate, our conversations were very hard to understand. We soon discovered that he spoke a bit of spanish so that was the main way we communicated that whole day... Lots of awkward laughter later, we arrived at this beautiful river called L'Hérault, and truly the water felt like silk on my skin. It immediately cured us of our hangover. At that point we were a little closer to our destination, but still needed a way to get to our next spot, and he offered to take us all the way to our friends home. It was absolutely perfect... And explaining to my friends aunt as she saw this man unloading our bags in the driveway how we managed to arrive to their home was hilarious. Fast forward a few days, after having had a very wholesome time in this small town, we embarked for the big city of Paris!! We knew we wanted to have one last experience as we were in THE paris after all. So we went back onto tinder and made plans to meet up with a man at a brewery nearby. I remember beginning to talk with him and then once the bill came he paid for only his beers... My friend and I looked at eachother like, did he not read our bio? We cleary did not come to this brewery to drink beer and pay for it ourselves sir.... But we paid and were about to go on our way when he started talking about the catacombs and that he is a huge nerd for going down the underground tunnels with his community, and memorizing the routes. The catacombs are an underground ossuary 65 feet below the ground, holding the remains of approx over 6 million people... These underground passageways are connected through a very complex web of turns, larger rooms, and even whole areas full of so much water you need to swim..... Now you may be thinking why the fuck would you go underground with a man you just met in a foreign country? Well, for one intuition, for second it was something that we knew we would do only once in our lives, and three well, because we wanted to. To read more about the history of the catacombs, check out this article that gives really detailed information on what they were used for. There is a small section of the catacombs that you can visit in a guided official tour, but many people have found other entrances, and have created a subculture community who make it their goal to try to explore as much as the catacombs as possible and make several visits per week. The guy we went with was one of those people, who had been in the catacombs more than 20 times, and had this small map on his phone with the names of the "streets" and different "rooms". I remember being underground and feeling so cold, and being able to hear myself breathe. I had never been up until that point in a space that was THIS quiet. I can't quite describe it even to this day how quiet it was down there. I think we had spent about maybe 6-7 hours down there and then my friend and I were ready to see some light and fresh air. Apparently a 6-7 hour journey through the tunnels is pretty short and for beginners, but after resurfacing onto the streets of paris at like 5 am, we were ready for bed and to hear some noise..... We went on the bus with this guy, our our way back to our airbnb to have some much needed rest, and never talked to him again. heres a picture of me with some bones. boots drenched in water. We woke up feeling so amazed, almost feeling like what we had just done was all a dream... But it wasn't and it was truly a crazy experience. I've had other experiences that are far less scary and filled with less human remains, but that have also been transformational in the ways that I ask for what I want. A year later I was on a solo trip to Uruguay, and was in the city of Montevideo. When I travel I really like being social, I love talking to the people around, striking up conversation, and seeing what the people from the region I am in do, what they think, where they go etc. I don't mind going to a museum or two, but really going to the sites and tours when I travel is not what I seek to do. After going to the theatre and watching a show I had planned to meet up with a cutie for a date at the park. We met at this park and then decided to go to a bar to talk and get to know one another. It was so cute to hear about her life and to explore her neighborhood a bit. Me with my tiny bladder had to pee so bad as we were walking around that we decided to go to her place that was nearby. During our entire date I was nervous as we were only talking in spanish, and I wasn't too confident in my abilities to flirt and really be myself while speaking Spanish, but I kept trying, and the energy was flowing. Eventually on her porch I leaned in for a kiss, and we proceeded to have a very sex night, my last night in Uruguay before going to Argentina to end my travels. We smushed into her twin bed, intertwining limbs and bodies, squished together in the best ways. In that date I learned that language is not always a barrier to connection, and that sexy times are possible even when you are not 100% confident in what you are saying.. Title: Voiceless Signal Painting. Art by : Adekunle Gafar Communication in sex is extremely important, sometimes even more important than the actual act of the bodies having sex... In relationships, whether that's romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between, being able to have conversations is something that is essential in the creation of being understood and understanding. I used to think that being specific limited my options, and that by choosing I was narrowing what was possible for me. And while, choosing something can mean not having access to the options you didn't choose, it does not mean that you have less options, only more options for what you are looking for. Specificity is not a bad thing.... In a study done in 2022 , researchers analyzed the associations between sexual communication and both relationship and sexual satisfaction. This meta analysis reviewed 93 different studies to examine this association and found a positive connection for sexual communication in couples sexual and relational well-being. In another study conducted in 2018, 142 couples were analyzed in order to show how sexual communication influences sexual and relationship satisfaction, in addition to orgasm frequency. Their findings also revealed that greater amounts of sexual communication were associated with higher rates of orgasms and greater relationship and sexual satisfaction. Now the tinder dates that I went on with my friend in the summer of 2022, were not sexual, no sex was had, but what we did learn was that we could ask for what we wanted without shame. There is an energy exchange that is happening when you spend time talking with someone, or just being around someone, and often times it can be easy to get swept up in what the other person wants, what the other person needs, and what they would like, instead of tuning in to what we would want. This applies to sexual situations with your sexy boos but it can also apply to every day decisions and choices with friends, with family, and when you are by yourself.... I always tell people, if you have a hard time asking for what you want, and telling people what you like outside of the bedroom and in sexual situations, it makes sense that when you are in the heat of the moment with someone, or even in your own masturbation practices, that you would freeze up and not know what you want or could want. In a society that constantly tells us what we SHOULD want, and how we SHOULD use our bodies based on what genitals we have or what we look like, it is genuinely a real challenge to make decisions that are ours, that feel embodied and that feel good, but it is so necessary as a way to take ownership for ourselves, and the joys and pains that we carry. While tinder has also shown me the ugly side of human connection, it has also been a joyful place for my budding sexuality as a young teen, and a space for connection through my travels, as a way to try on different roles, and as a way to ask for all the specific things I wanted and to relish in the receiving.. What decision did you make today that was for YOU?

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir What does it mean to fall in love? And to fall out of love? When I try to answer these big life questions, I find myself always going back to poetry. It soothes my soul and although indirectly, always gets me to where I need to be. Whether that's in bed in tears, with goosebumps reading more and more, or somewhere in between those two emotional states. As I did my research and deep dive for this article, I found this poem that alludes to the process of falling in love. Another beautiful queer icon who wrote about her love for other women is Wu Tsao. She was a Chinese Poet in the Qing Dynasty who wrote erotic poems shaped by her deep intimate connections with other women. “ Then we paint each other’s beautiful eyebrows. I want to possess you completely – Your jade body And your promised heart.”  For some people, falling in love is as natural of a process as any, not requiring too much thinking but rather emphasizing the feeling that comes from within almost as if it just happens. For others, it's a more active process requiring lots of time and thought as they balance the feelings and thoughts they have with another person/people and the merging of time and space. Red - Life Painting, Isabelle Duverger For me, my versions of being in love have looked a lot different depending on the year and the season; the version of myself and my truths. My first high school relationship was an emotionally abusive and manipulative one. I was 16 years old and was still figuring out what values, desires, and needs I had in a partnership. I was fumbling my way around defining these big concepts of what it means to fall in love, have sex, and feel connected to another person. At this time I had no idea polyamory or other relationship structures even existed, and did have some queer awareness but did not identify as queer at the time. So when I entered this first monogamous relationship, I bended and fused myself with what my partner wanted. His attention gave me value, I felt it added to my life and gave me status. His male gaze made me feel validated in my existence and when he told me what to do I often times accepted thinking that this is love, that this is what being in a relationship means, right? Only after inviting him to a family vacation in Lake Tahoe did I break up with him... This was after my older brother witnessed him being unkind to me, and had a heart to heart with me about our dynamic. This spoke to me because my brother is not a particularly emotional person, so to hear this message come from him really impacted me and shocked me to the point where I knew it had to be done. Later that week I drove to my boyfriends house and ended our relationship, us in my car outside his house, him begging me to stay with tears running down his face and me holding my needs above his for once, telling him to get out of my car. Boy bye. I go back to this story because it reflects the ways in which so many people enter into relationships, with fear that the other person will leave them and feeling like they are not enough just for being who they are and existing. Love is an interesting thing, especially in a society so obsessed with people coupling up, and the validity that people give when they see a married couple, versus a solo person just enjoying their own space and company. In my research in all things love, I came across the Anarchist Library website that includes this really thoughtful piece titled, "Love as a Revolutionary Social Ethic" where they discuss in detail topics like going beyond romance, love in the time of capitalist hegemony, radical compassion.... Of course, capitalism is proficient at co-opting and commodifying everything- even love. But love is capable of exceeding and opposing the logic of capitalist value structures. Love offers us a way to see human and non-human life beyond their “usefulness”, as intrinsically valuable. Therefore, love is a radically anti-capitalist logic. A revolutionary love ethic insists that overturning the capitalist hegemony and fulfilling our social and emotional needs are deeply intertwined. Love is both a philosophical orientation of the spirit, a material framework of relating, and a fundamental pillar of our political principles. To harness love’s power as a radical social ethic means expanding beyond love as a purely private affair of romance or an ephemeral mystery. Revolutionary love is not as much a relationship to a person or specific people, but an expansion which recognizes the wellbeing of others as inextricably intertwined with our own. And although conceptually speaking ever since beginning my non monogamist and polyamory journey, I have envisioned being in love with many people at the same time, either due to moving around a lot, the global pandemic, life stages/structures, and compatibility, up until my last relationship I had not had this experience in the flesh. It is very DIFFERENT to want or envision something versus to have this experience in the flesh as I like to say. AND one day it happened. I moved to Mexico, while being in a relationship with my partner who wanted to stay in the United States. During my first few months in Mexico, I obviously downloaded tinder, and to my surprise started to really connect with someone. It wasn't my intention to get into a more committed and serious partnership, as I had recently moved and my main goal was just to meet new people and get out of my comfort zone.... But as we started spending more and more time together our bond grew stronger. In my head I often times, told myself that this little connection would not "go anywhere" because although I have studied spanish my whole life, I still felt widely incapable of having a personality and letting my true essence shine. For those of you who speak multiple languages you will know what I mean with this sentiment. As the months went on, I acknowledged my feelings of curiosity were turning into deeper feelings of love.... This process was filled with joyous moments, but also with many solo walks thinking to myself how do I balance in my body being in love with two people in two countries, with two very different personalities, and in two languages... AHHHHHH. Not easy. Fast forward a little while, and another huge shift had happened. One day after being in my first queer relationship of 3 years, my partner broke up with me over facetime. I was living in Oaxaca, Mexico still and they were in California. We had planned to meet the following week on my 3 week vacation to visit family and friends, but they could no longer wait and so sometime around March of 2024, we had our big break up over facetime, as I sat outside on the steps watching the sunset. Although we had been struggling to be aligned and connected for a while, I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship. To give up everything we had shared over the many years of knowing each other, living together, and then at the end living apart. Artists Page: https://www.instagram.com/p/CNxBe4ighg0/ I was in shock, and in disbelief even though in my body I knew that we had been growing in different directions and no longer seemed like we were on the same page. I cried and cried and pondered how I was to move through this pain while also being present for my partnership with my newer relationship. That same night a few hours later, I debated whether or not to cancel my plans with my partner in Mexico. We had plans to go out and dance together, our love for movement was something that always connected us. I had a lot of pent up energy while also feeling emotionally exhausted so I communicated that to him and we decided that we would still go out for a night on the town with the awareness that we could change our minds at anytime. I had some extra molly at the time, and that was also part of our original plan for the evening, so as we sat on the historic street corner of the romantically lit up cobblestone we swallowed. These pills were a little older so their effect was questionable and more of a surprise, we didn't expect much as often times when we went out we were completely sober anyways and still danced more than anyone else there lol. After dancing for hours, we embarked on the bike ride back to my place, a 45 min ride up the mountain. It felt less hard than usual which normally had me sweating from top to bottom. We sat in the backyard and looked at the stars, I had deep sadness within me and didn't know where to put it. Did my small body have enough room for this? A few days later I was to depart back to the United States for a few weeks and I just remember my partner hugging me and telling me that he genuinely wished that my time with my family brought me some peace and that he had the space to hold some of my sadness with me. I talked about all my fears of being too much with everything I was feeling and my fear that this would not show my strength while also loving and wanting to be strong for him. The view from my backyard.... What I learned from that moment, is how powerful it is to be witnessed, and the reverse to witness. Having a partner fully embrace me with tenderness in something that was new for me, and in an environment where I felt very weak and tender, created and opened a softness within me. I loved him so much in that moment, although I would not verbally express my love for him for a few more weeks.... It was officially brewing inside of me. Find your nature Painting, Anna Skorko Throughout the months the breakup began to get easier, as I shed the tears, wrote in my diary many pages, and began to process the beauty of our connection while honoring my anger and pent up emotions too. It was important for me to be able to talk to my partner about what was organically happening in my body, and how some days I was feeling confused as internally I was battling feeling very low, but then having great boosts of dopamine from my new feelings of love for my current partner. He was very patient with me, as this was something we were both actively experiencing for the first time. Something extremely useful to mention is that, he was not my primary support system with these feelings. What I mean by that is I came to my family and friends for my daily or weekly support and processing, rather than all of that going to him. Even though he was always ready to dive deep with me if that's what I needed, and frequently checked in, what I've learned in past relationships is that it is so crucial to have a network of support , and that can include trees , objects, or things that bring you comfort even if they are not other humans!! It is so EASY to feel like relationships are more valid and significant if they last forever. You see this echoed in movies, books, and in the ways we talk about relationships to people. There is something special about being able to reflect on a time 20 years ago where you had a core memory with someone, but are new shared memories less significant? Especially in the normalized framework for dating that tries to establish a set timeframe for the connection and validity through adhering to this societal model. This is called the relationship escalator and if you decide or create relationships that don't follow this flow it is very easy to feel alone because you are carving your own path! Nothing lasts forever, relationships, sunsets, reading your favorite book, sadness, happiness, life, that itch, it's all temporary. Through being in love, in grief, and in love again, I have learned that relationships do not need to last forever or to follow a certain path for them to be successful. Photo Credits: Reyna Victoria Even successful relationships can and do end. Life is multifaceted, its expansive, and it's constantly changing, and our relationships are embedded within all that chaos, and change. Does that change my desire for deep connections and unions with people? No. Does that make me less interested in creating new relationships? No. Does that make me feel sad sometimes? Yes. Does that shift the way I view other aspects in my life? Yes. Does that confuse me when trying to build for my future? Sometimes. Does it confuse my family? Yes. Does that make me less of a believer of love? No. What does a successful relationship look like to you? And how can you notice when it's time to let go?

Written by: Tamar Weir October 10, 2024 Artist of Image: Tarn Ellis jazz was playing in the background i dont remember what song and even if i did would it matter? breathing she said the more you relax and open the faster this will be repeating this mantra my mama told me crying in the sterile brightly lit bathroom no words were necessary just tears communicating through walls being held by the softness of fear what does it mean to be entered? and to submit to the sensation? give up control to find peace and resilience through opening i opened to the feeling, pricking and fingers something happening, me blue gown mantra goes something like this my ancestors my mama my people have gone through this too before me and so will i and before white walls, legality, illegality fighting the politics of policing bodies in the name of purity of the holy tears and more tears women who, do their job and provide this service termination of embryo is nicer than saying congratulations you just had an abortion welcome to this new life just a lil bit of blood, cramping and emptiness cheap tea, but priceless warmth filling my palms in the time afterwards, i will cry and remember those walls the way we sign papers, pay the fee, insert the credit card and walk away into the bright cracked sidewalks i will buy myself lingerie thats on sale afterwards eat street tacos with lots of salsa y limon browse faces in a different way pay attention to all the babies wrapped on the backs of mamas people walking in the heat, me slowly behind finding a way to trust this body who am i now ? who belongs in this flesh that in an instant can be transformed? "you are my first and it’s not the right time for me and you but I give you a place in my heart “ these words echoed as I looked to the warm full moon they say the harvest moon, in september brings bounty, abundance, and the start of fall the ending of hot summer days, and enough light to help farmers harvest in rich soil wisdom, moist, and growth all in the tips of your fingers, dirty and the purest all of this the moon brings with her she shines the brightest in september giving to all who need as i sat on that rock saw her rise into the view people talking, but all i could think was my abortion and the full moon i will remember the roundness of the both spreading expanding and rising to meet the world what would have become finishing what needs to be done.

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Note: The photos included in this blog are photos from 2020 era and I am using a pseudonym for the purpose of not putting every detail of this story on the internet. "Dear N ,                                          I was debating sending you this letter, as I know we ended in chaotic and rough terms, and have not spoken to each other in quite a while, but have decided to send this for myself, my healing, and to look back knowing I have said all that I need to say. Give it a read if you wish and thanks for reading this. This is hard for me to write because the foundation of our relationship is hard to grasp, and was hard to grasp. For clarity’s sake, I will start from the beginning.  I walked alone to your van parked in the Merrill parking lot. We sat in the dim light darkness of your van bed. I told you I had genital herpes, so fearful of your reaction, so desperately wanting to be accepted and respected by you. From the start, I felt that you were at a higher level than me; like a moth addicted to a light bulb. I told you I had herpes. Since I found out, you were the first person I told, the First person I fucked. Because of that pressure, I did not let the fact that you were not planning on telling me bother me, although deep down it felt invasive and wrong. I thought that because we both had herpes that had meant you accepted and respected me, and that we were on the same playing field. After reflection, I now know that you did not regard me as someone to treat with respect, or else you would have shown me the same honesty as I had with you.  Not telling someone you are having sex with, forming a connection to, and being physically/ emotionally intimate with that you have genital herpes is deceiving even if you do not have a current outbreak at that moment. The fact of the matter is that if I had not told you I had herpes that night, you would not have told me until it was convenient for you. Until you felt like it. Until I happened upon that information. This may come as a shock to you as I may not have verbally expressed how this had affected me but living life with intention and honesty is something that I value and the experience I am drawing upon as it has shaped the way I form connections in the midst of having an STI.  Another experience that left me feeling shame and powerless was the time I told you I did not want to have sex because I was doing ayahuasca. You did not listen. You made me feel dumb for wanting to have a boundary and sticking to my wants and needs. You kept pushing me. You kept questioning me. You did what you wanted. And yes I was horny. Technically speaking, I did have an orgasm, but the pleasure I felt was tainted by this manipulation. I felt wronged. I felt invaded, I felt weak. And I also felt angry that you would not respect my boundaries--that you would not respect me enough to explore beyond the physical act of sex.  The above two examples highlight the power difference in our relationship and the ways in which this dynamic affected my relationship with you. I could never be myself with you. With you, I had to be strong, show you my best side, show you I was cool, show you I was enough for you. if not, I feared you’d drop me. I anticipated your judgment of the inner parts of me, so I presented myself to you in this way. While I accepted you and did whatever you pleased, I was forced to hide the parts of me you did not like.  Oftentimes, the nature of our relationship was established by your tendencies to gaslight me. This continued to the point where I started to feel that my opinions weren’t seen as valuable to you, weren’t seen as worthy or enough for you to even consider. I also want to highlight the ways you often undermined my knowledge and life experience by means of your age difference and “maturity.” This tactic was also coupled with your masculine energy and ego, which created distance and superiority.  I do not write this with the intention to make you feel ashamed. If you read this with defensiveness, I welcome you to engage with those feelings. I acknowledge that you have an experience that is different from mine. But if you have read this far, please go up and read this again to truly listen  and hear me.  While our relationship may not be significant to you, it is for me. You were the first person who showed me what life could be like for me as a young college student who was passionate, sexually confident, and curious. You taught me about alternative ways of living, you encouraged play, you exuded passion, you created connection. And these are many positive things you brought to our relationship that I am forever thankful for and look back on with pure love and joy. You created a metamorphosis in some ways in my being, where I fully came to some deep realizations. After being with you, and ending in the way we did, I could visualize the modes of being I needed for my next relationship. This also meant I could disregard all the components I needed to absolutely reject. I send this to you now to express the fact that these aspects that did not serve me in our relationship persisted in my body as I continued to drift back to memories of our time together. I wanted to express this sour bitterness on my tongue, this tension in my stomach, this anger in my heart for not telling you how I felt. Because you never gave me the space or opportunity to speak while you sat there and just listened, I have chosen to communicate to you in this form. Although, I feel that I  have healed from our relationship, I send this to remove the physical weight of you from my body. While I am confident in myself and what I desire in my future relationships, I am concerned for the other partnerships you have had. This reflection made me want to speak up not only for myself, but also for other partners you may have had who could feel similarly to me. N, you were unwilling to step into my pain. I encourage you to investigate this quality in yourself, to engage in a dialogue with yourself about the harm you have caused. While I do not expect or need a response from you, I sincerely hope that you take this letter to heart, not only for myself but for you and those who continue to be intertwined in your life.  Thank You. Tamar Weir" This week I was too busy to write a new blog post, but in my reflection over the last 5 years, I thought I would bring this old letter back to the surface. To bring to light something that is not often talked about (lack of consent, twisted ways of presenting as communicative/ sexually liberated, harm). If you have some things to share, and some thoughts and emotions stuck in your body, I have found writing letters as an extremely powerful tool. While this exercise may not resonate with everyone, you can adapt this to connect with your needs in a deeper way. For instance, writing the letter in your journal and never sending it, burning the letter, drawing instead of writing, reading the letter out loud in the mirror, ripping the letter, acting out the scene of reading the letter with a trusted friend/loved one, and the variations can go on and on and on.. Affirmation: I honor all the versions of Tamar. xoxo

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Vibrators.... Vibrators....Vibrators..... In my childhood, adolescence, or teenage years I didn't hear much about vibrators. I knew what sex was as a larger concept, but didn't have the knowledge that adults could have toys too and that these things were very beneficial, valuable, and taboo in many circles. As we enter into the new year, I'd really love to see more people incorporating toys in the bedroom, out the bedroom, and just in general. Vibrators are just one of the many toys that are out there in this world. Societal stigma of using a vibrator, openly talking about vibrator usage, and even their lack of use in porn and general media like movies highlights how there is still such fear, shame, and judgement surrounding this aspect of pleasure and human curiosity. I WANT TO SEE MORE VIBRATORS IN MOVIES. .. LIKE NOW! While doing some online research about vibrators (not a bad way to accidentally spend 3 hours) I came across a beautiful short film that is so uniquely illustrated with unique little visuals. It's about 10 minutes long so you should definitely give it a watch, as it tells the story of a woman who gets a mystery box and inside is a vibrator . Watch i t here to see what happens next, but you won't be disappointed. Film by: Olivia Griselda I remember back in the day in my Sex and Gender class in college, learning some interesting things about vibrators and the human body. My professor at the time was this amazing polyamorous queen who delivered her information with spunk and confidence. She claimed that many historians cited the first vibrator being used in medical offices by male doctors. These doctors were previously using their hands to perform "massages" to their female patients who were diagnosed with hysteria , and then began to incorporate massagers as a way to make their job easier. " Therapeutic vibratory stimulation has its origin in the historical condition known as female hysteria, associated with excessive emotions and thought to be related to marital relationships, orgasm, and pregnancy, said Dubinskaya. Early practitioners who treated the condition used manual pelvic massage to bring women to orgasm, which was thought to reduce the emotionality." Sexuality, anatomy, and sex all are connected to the historical, political, and societal landscape of the time. What is socially "acceptable" behavior has historically been acts that do not deviate away from putting cis straight men at the center. This is why sex education is SOOOOO important, even today as the digital age grows and grows, education is increasingly needed as a way to literally save lives, and to increase our pleasure as individuals and collectively. Speaking of the collective, and historical connections to the present.... One of the most famous vibrators of all time is the Hitachi Wand. This wand actually started out as a massager for the body, and was not initially made as a sex toy, although now many sex toy companies have made their versions of this wand, with tweaks, changes, and new elements but based on the original. I don't own one, but I have used one and let me tell you it DOES live up to the hype.... The wand was manufactured by Hitachi, and that is where it gets its name from, and although it originally was created as a tool to relieve tension, not long after people figured out that it could also relieve sexual tension.... To learn a bit more about the history, and why these wands are so iconic, I recommend you read this insightful article . In addition, on this site theres LOTS of juicy information about all things kink, and some really creatively written dirty stories. Take a peek;) Back in 2017, my   sister bought me my first vibrator, and similar to the woman in the short film, it arrived at my college dorm, with my name on the box but with no other identifying characteristics to point me to the direction of who this was from. At the time I was in a highly exploratory moment of my sexual evolution, so I was thrilled to receive a mystery vibrator, it was the best present of all, but also a little freaky, like who is pranking me right now? I of course didn't linger too long on the negative side of it, and calculated the perfect time to try it out, having to plan very strategically when my two roommates in my dorm would be either at their classes or at the dining hall. Lets just say I was successful in using this first vibrator of mine in the privacy of my shared triple dorm room. Many times after that though I was not, as they repeatedly walked in on me during solo play sessions and sexy sex sessions with other people throughout that year. Sorry not sorry, although they were very innocent nice girls so I hope they were able to process anything uncomfy and move on from that..... I'm really grateful for some supportive badass people in my life who have definitely shaped who i am today and my sexual openness, and my now soon to be career! Not everybody has that, a majority of people do not have supportive folks to ask their sex questions, and ponder their curiosities with. One of my favorite websites that makes sex education really accessible and fun, is Oh Joy Sex Toy . They have hundreds of articles and a comic review about sex toys including lots of vibrators! I really recommend checking out their site and spending some times reading their amazing comics. I can easily spend a few hours on there only realizing a few hours later what time it is.... Bounty of Benefits: AND not limited to... (see if you can add any benefits to this list from your own experience/creativity) -enhance connection to your body -improve sleep -increase blood flow -the vibrations can be calming -can be used to massage body and therefore release tension -increase orgasms -increase pleasurable sensations in the body -decrease negative body image insecurities - decrease levels of anxiety and depression -can connect you closer to your partner/s -can connect you closer to your genitals -another option if your hands are not accessible due to trauma -enhances arousal and therefore can enhance lubrication -reduce pain due to the release of endorphins -great for pelvic floor health -increase nerve response -safe way to explore diverse stimulation -can be quick and easy if you're in a tim crunch -don't have to worry about risk of pregnancy Photo taken by Diego Rosales Let's leave using our vibrators in secret when we are all alone in 2025..... I really want to see more people bringing their vibrators in their purses, on their travels, and in airport security. Like yes... this is my vibrator she is my friend and accompanies me! I speak with many people in their 20's and 30's who feel encouraged to use vibrators and talk about their vibrator use but when it comes time to incorporate these toys into partner play they are inexperienced or feel a sense of shame for introducing this into their sexual or romantic dynamic. While the reasoning can vary person to person depending on the relationship, I've noticed some common themes of not wanting to start an uncomfortable conversation, not wanting to make their partner feel inferior, and also feeling shame for their desires. Now, all of those emotions are valid given our societal and historical structures that prioritize maintaining a status quo of what "healthy" sexuality looks like, and that is white eurocentric heterosexual monogamous sex. Now, incorporating vibrators into your sexual encounters WILL help you. I can't predict the exact ways or benefits you will experience, but I KNOW and i TRUST that it will. Whether it's in the physical way of perhaps increasing your frequency of orgasms or intensity ... Or the mental by opening you up to new possibilities and increasing your self esteem . Or the emotional by helping you to unpack those deep little shame stories that are inside of us all... Enhancing Intimacy with your partner/s! It can be challenging to open up conversations about taboo topics, but it doesn't have to feel impossible, and I find that once the words start flowing it becomes easier and easier. Some fun ways to incorporate vibrators into partner play can be endless, and really using your own creativity and knowledge about your unique body is gonna be your guide, but I will share some juicy ways that I have found quite amazing throughout the years. You can use a vibrator while you are laying down and your partner is behind you cuddling. This is a nice one for a quicky or a more low energy session. You can also use a vibrator while you are exploring penetration, different positions are easier than others depending on height difference, furniture etc. You can also stand up and use a vibrator on yourself and your partner, if you have two hands and they want to feel the vibrations as well. You can lay down and have your partner use the vibrator on your body, not exclusively on your genitals, but exploring many parts of your body. I know that from my own experience as someone who loves to feel many sensations at once, I particularly enjoy using a vibrator on my own body while I am focusing my attention on my partner by pleasuring them in various ways. If you're someone that likes to focus on one thing at a time and finds simultaneous pleasure/lots of sensation overwhelming then maybe this one won't be your favorite but you can always explore it if you're curious and then come to a conclusion for what works for you and your partner. But at the end of the day, if there's more pleasure, laughter, and creativity it's not a bad or negative thing for your sexual and intimate life. It does not need to be kept a secret or only used when you are alone or your partner is on vacation for the holidays. Also if it feels weird to have a foreign object around, name your vibrator or toys, like you would for other things you own and love. I know that it started as a silly joke for me but i genuinely love my vibrator and have given not every one a name, because honestly there's a lot, but I have given some names and love it. Why wouldn't something that has so many amazing benefits and memories attached to it not deserve to be named? Photo taken by Diego Rosales Also, I know that as I started incorporating vibrators into my sex life with my partners, especially at the beginning when I had not entered into my queer journey yet, these men did not have experience with vibrator use in their partner but also for themselves. And vibrators / toys are not only for women.... They are heavily associated with being used for women's pleasure, but thats not the only person who can benefit from owning or exploring vibrators. If you have a body, you can explore this. If you are open, then this can be for you. You don't need to identify as a woman or a vulva owner. You can just want to feel pleasure and regarding vibrators as something that only cis women can or should use is exclusionary to many gender queer folk, trans folks, and people whose genitals are not what mainstream sex negative education deems as a vulva. Vibrators can be used on penises, although less commonly talked about in sex education, they can be used on all body parts, some vibrators being more suited to certain curves of the body. Scene from the show "Gracie and Frankie" All in all, I really hope that more people start using vibrators. I genuinely think I would be a different person, a VERY different person if i hadn't stumbled upon that mystery box containing my first vibrator. And if anyone ever needs advice, or a discount code, hit me up. Vibrators need to be accessible for all bodies!

Written by : Tamar Simone Weir Even though Sex and the City is quite problematic, Eurocentric, transphobic and has not aged well, something that I appreciate about the show is how the character Samantha Jones is unashamed of her sluttyness and her desire / craving for sex. She is not ashamed to live her love life and romantic life the way she wants, not subscribing to the gendered norm that women should be passive in sex, and just lay there. She embodies a powerful woman who goes after what she wants, bodies, her career, her desires and anything she wants she strives to get. She’s not passive in her approach to what she deserves, she is active, sexually and erotically. In my youth, I remember watching a lot of TV. I wanted to grow up fast, there was something about being an adult that interested me and fascinated me. I would picture being an adult and being in these romantic relationships I saw on the screen. At the time I didn’t have the conscious awareness of the sexism present in sex and society being a vehicle for transferring these beliefs, but I did have a vision! I wanted to enter into the world of relationships and intimacy. It all felt too exciting. What I was seeing portrayed on the screen was heterosexual sex where the cis man pumps his penis into the vagina of a cis woman and they miraculously have simultaneous orgasms that leave them both in love and sexually satisfied. I’m not sure what I pictured would happen during my first vaginal penetrative sexual experience, but it was something along those lines. Pleasure. Holes. Orgasms. Release. But that’s far from what happened. My first penetrative sexual experience involved one orgasm (my boyfriends) , no lube, friction, pain, confusion, and no other sexual acts of exploration known as (foreplay). For many years I strived to find that sexually satisfying sexual experience with penises and felt let down. This is not what my earlier favorite TV shows promised me !!! I looked for sexual satisfaction from the other individual, always outsourcing my pleasure instead of taking my pleasure in my own hands and being active in what I needed and wanted. This societal conditioning of women or femme presenting people being passive is harmful not only in the way we value/ don’t value our voice, but also positions femmes / women to not know how to differentiate what society has imposed vs what they natural personality and qualities are. By no means am I saying that being in the receiving role, taking a passive approach, or being more gentle are negative qualities or traits. But what I am saying is that these traits are not naturally part of a woman’s or femme presenting person's body and bones. This is not inherently part of who we are just because we were born into this body. It is part of the way that we have been societally conditioned, groomed, taught, and accepted. It is one way to remain safe in society and in certain groups/ cultures. Often times remaining in the roles that we have been prescribed is safe in itself and that is valuable as a survival mechanism in this dangerous world. AND what if we could expand our definition of what it means to be a woman or a femme in her doing, AND in her power to FUCK! my first & only strap on. To purchase or for curiosity's sake, check out their web. I’ve always loved adorning myself with jewelry, outfits, colors, new styles, textures all of it!! Ever since I was a lil child, playing dress up and acting as different characters was my favorite. Even now, I always say I’ll wear anything at least once before I form a rigid opinion on something. My friends give me their old clothes and I try to mix and match in ways that give my creative soul a way to be free. I of course naturally am attracted to certain styles and colors but in general I try to be pretty open. One day I might wear a dress with a tie. Another day I might wear my farm overalls with my dads old flannel. Another day I might wear a silk lingerie set with tight jeans and funky shoes. It all just depends on the day, but you’ll always see me wearing hella jewelry. I identify as femme, and when I began my sexual journey as a queer person, I had already lived the straight lifestyle and sexuality for many years. My versions of sex, and sexuality had to be expanded, even though I thought I was a sexually open and sex positive person, I held close to my heart many limiting beliefs and homophobic ideas surrounding what sex would and could not be. I held limiting beliefs about gendered dynamics, about how to be touched, and how to touch. I have more in depth articles about my queer journey, that you can read here. As I entered into the queer world of sexy possibilities, I felt so much fear and insecurity. Suddenly I felt like i was beginning my whole sexual journey all over again. I put this immense amount of pressure on myself to have everything figured out. To know exactly if I was bisexual or queer. If I was femme or butch. If I was a top or a bottom. If I was this or if I was that. Always getting lost in the polarity.. Because I was less experiened in this arena, I assumed that meant that I needed to be insecure and unsure. But once I unpacked all this shit that I was projecting and acknowledged my lived experiences up until this point had gotten me to THIS POINT OF MY JOURNEY, I was able to see myself as the knower of my own body, and as a curious being with other bodies. I think labels can be helpful as they are a way to unify people who share similar values, and can create comradery and solidarity for people who otherwise feel alone in their experiences/feelings. But I also feel that no one identity is stagnant. Meaning, the way people define the same word of identity could be vastly different than the person next to them in the same circle. Just because the person next to me also identifies as a queer femme like myself, doesn't mean that the way we would describe our definitions of those identities would always align or be the same. This nuance really has helped free me, and I think it can also help free other people too. Cross-Over, 1979 Joan Semmel There is a lot of conversation within the queer community about what identities you hold, and whether or not you are a top or bottom . If you are dominant or submissive etc etc etc etc. And for a long time I believed I had to be one or the other to pertain to this group and to belong... Topping isn't Just for Masculine People, gendering sexual roles in my opinion is outdated. I don't want to yuck anyones yum. If you are happy and satisfied with your identity as a top or as a bottom or as anything, then I am happy and thrilled for you and am not here to judge your way of creating freedom in your sexyness. I am here to say that I don't think that inherent sexual acts are either this or that. I did for a while, but I don't anymore and here is why. I feel that when we put certain meaning towards our sensations all the time, it can take us out of the experience of having a body and of being able to explore that body in a creative way. It's like one day I can like vanilla bean ice cream with blueberry toppings, and the next week I can krave double chocolate orange zest.... I don't have to ALWAYS want, like, or need the same thing. Also depending on who Im eatin the ice cream with can also change what flavor im wanting or needing. I'm all about challenging dominant/top and submissive/bottom stereotypes in queer and straight sex. Stacey Zhu  No matter what kind of sex you are having, I think everyone can benefit from being more open about trying new things. And our sexual attitudes can big impacts on our life in many ways.... There was a study published in 2023 that was one of the first population-based studies that focused on how partnered sexuality is related to cognitive function over time among older adults in the United States. This study is particularly interesting because often times discussions around sex and sexuality do not include older folks, although older folks are a big part of our global population and are sexual beings too!! Some interesting findings showcase the benefits of sex for cognitive function... " Having more frequent sex was related to better subsequent cognitive function for the older-old group while having better sexual quality was related to better subsequent cognitive function for the younger-old group. Moreover, sexual quality was related to better subsequent cognitive function for men but not women. Sex is important for older adults’ cognitive health. Health practitioners should develop and carefully evaluate intervention strategies that target sexual frequency and sexual quality for specific groups to encourage or preserve the cognitive health of older adults rather than avoid discussion of their sexuality or assume that they are sexually inactive." Presented by Mayven Missbehavin Photography by Gina Barbara (she/her) So If I haven't convinced you that femmes can fuck too and that all bodies can do what they want /desire (with consent) thus far, take a moment to reflect on your sexual journey with these prompted questions for deepening: What sexual/erotic acts have you found enjoyable and why? Are the sexual acts you enjoy connected to the way you have been socialized to interact and receive pleasure? What are ways you think you could expand your definition of sex/your sexuality to go beyond the binary? What biases or cultural messaging surrounding sex do you hold? How do you feel in the queer community sexual scripts or narratives are used and upheld? Are they beneficial, harmful, both?

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir In June of 2019 I went to my first kinky BDSM, sex club. This was my first erotic event that I had gone to, although I had been curious about this scene for a while... A friend of mine at the time, was already in that scene a bit more than I was, and encouraged us to go and volunteer with the clean up so that we could attend the event for free. If y'all know me you know I love free things and events, and a sexy club? All my answers led to YES, as we embarked on this adventure into the city. At the time we went to a club that no longer exists today, (for some reason it shut down permanently), but I remember some key highlights from this night that sparked further curiosity, education, and pleasure for many years after..... That night I explored the human sized fish tank, without water... This was an aquarium like tank, that sat on this pedestal above everyone, and 4 people were able to fit inside this tank, while observers were able to watch from every direction in this circular seating arrangement similar to an aquarium viewing situation.... I fit my little body into the space, and crawled right in, ready to feel the sensation of being in a small space, not trapped but held in tightly. I really enjoyed the feeling of being watched by the others, and of being in a small space, sharing the space with others, and that was new for me. VERY. this is kinda what the human sized tank looked like Another sweet discovery that was brought to the surface during this first party, was the BDSM cross called the St. Andrews Cross . This cross gets its name from St Andrew who chose an X shaped cross for his execution in Greece. The cross represented humility and sacrifice. It's unclear exactly how this cross entered into the BDSM kinky world, but it now remains a fixture in the BDSM community! St Andrews Cross Since 2019, I have attended other kinky events and practiced getting to know what types of sensations are interesting and turn me on. This of course is unique to each person, and also to each moment in life, as something that once felt revitalizing and exciting can feel uninteresting or unpleasurable in another moment/season. Back in October of this year, I went to a week long intensive for my somatic sex educator training. I was so excited to be in a room full of other students, teachers, and to be immersed in the experience of learning in person together through our somatic exercises. This week was intense for everyone! From morning to the evening, we were encouraged to participate by either doing, watching, or saying no and taking care of ourselves, but every day there were several different practices and exercises to get us in the flow of being aware of our sensations in our own body, to then provide support for our future clients and community. To feel the power of the practices first hand and with our own bodies, before working with other bodies. Getting to know the deep parts of our own self, as this informs our ability and our own unique spice that we bring into this deeply important work. just me being me at a dinosaur exhibit in Mexico City On day two, we were introduced to the practice, called "Communal Mindful Erotic Practice" which I had heard a bit about through my course up until this point, but was fairly new to the idea in practice. This exercise was one that we would be exploring throughout the entire week, almost everyday. The communal erotic practice entailed opening up our bodies to so much more than our typical and habitual masturbation or erotic techniques of our day to day lives. So many of us find techniques that work, that are efficient, and good enough to get the job done that we stick to this script and don't often explore other avenues for pleasure, sensation, and curiosity. I know that to be true for myself too.... There's something inside of me that stops me from exploring each and every crack and crevice of my body. Depending on the day there is always an excuse. AND this experience is not unique to myself, but speaks to a larger societal trend of closed mindedness, rigidity, and shame. I feel that the more shame and rigidity we hold in our bodies about what we like, what were "supposed to" like, and how our bodies respond to stimuli and sensation, the more we shut down possibilities of expansion and figuring out all that our bodies have to offer us that are outside of the norm of what society deems as "appropriate" or " acceptable" versions of our erotic selves . There are many societal norms around sex and sexuality , that through different time periods and cultural contexts, often time change and evolve into new rules and norms, or thoughts and beliefs get expanded due to new theories, thoughts, and consciousness. In this communal erotic practice, my first thought was, "so my classmates and teachers are going to see me masturbate and then were going to study together???? This was a very different embodiment exercise than what I was used to in the traditional sense of things being done in private. Or the clear separation of erotic time and playful or studious time. But what was truly beautiful about this experience is that the facilitators explained how in our training and in our work, we are unpacking all of the bullshit of society by actively practicing in our bodies non- normative practices of pleasure, pain, and eroticism. This helped me to understand that this work is more than just reading books, and becoming proficient in certain skills, but it is about LIVING and LOVING in these powerful ways. It is about putting my body on the line. And so that's where we began. With our bodies, intentions, time, and space... my body, drawn by a figure drawing student in 2024 What was truly so informative and special about this moment was the permission it gave me to just be and to try new things. I often times THINK that I have given myself permission to be weird and to go outside the binary thinking of sex, not only through my queerness, through my vision of love and polyamory, but also through my herpes positive status for more than 8 years now. All of these identities I hold close to my heart and vulva have shaped the way I get creative when thinking about intimacy and pleasure. But even so, the binary society and sex negative propaganda has its way of creeping into my body and skin!!!! So the reminder of giving myself permission was so BEAUTIFUL and necessary! I remember one day I just spent minutes tracing different objects onto my skin and used oil to thoroughly massage my body while feeling the sensations of things as simple and mundane as a pen... But with careful and delicate tracing, I was able to find pleasure in pretty normal and regular objects. Not rushing to a final orgasm or arc of an experience where the build up always ends in orgasm or release, but just noticing my bodies sensation, and trying to experience new things, outside of my vibrator and cozy bed evening flow.... Another mindful erotic practice for me entailed using my purple rope I brought to tie my legs up in a mermaid tie and practice feeling into the sensation of the rope on my skin, with no rush. I also blind folded myself as I noticed that I was being absorbed into the communal space and sounds, and wanted to come back to my own erotic journey and stay present with my own body and flow. This helped a lot as well as I can be really affected by noises and things happening in my external environment, so much so that it can sway how Im feeling or what i'm desiring in the moment. And even though we were all sharing a space and an erotic experience together, we were encouraged to not focus on other peoples experience or what they were doing, but to focus on our experience. Another day I explored using a magic wand which I've always wanted but have never purchased, and just felt so muy joy being able to explore a new toy without shame of the noises I was making, or how my body was being perceived in the space. The mindful erotic practice sessions, were timed so that we all had a container for our time together. Everybody was given their own yoga mat and sheets, so we had our own little space in the room. We were all in the room, in a circular shape, and were able to bring any of our own toys or items into the space for our practice. A key component of the exercise was also before beginning the practice, we were encouraged to think of an intention for our practice, and to really feel into how this would be accessible in today's practice. This helps to set the stage, and can be used as a way to come back to yourself if you're feeling distracted, numb, or feel like you're wandering in many directions. There was also a beautifully curated playlist playing with music that helped create a yummy flow to the 30-40 minutes. A few potential intentions can be: (and is not limited to) -I want to feel alive -I want to experience simultaneous sensations without judging or making meaning -I want to explore something with a beginners mindset -I want to explore ______ part of my body I truly felt so inspired by witnessing people in their pleasure and exploration. And this is not to say that negative feelings or odd sensations didnt or can't come up. Its not all fluffy and beautiful and erotically orgasmic, although many orgasms were had.... Its anything you want it to be. Because eroticsim is more than just about sex or orgasms. There were of course moments of frustration, comparison, numbness, feeling a lack of erotisim, self judgement and critique and much more. Being in a group energy is different than being alone as well, because the collective erotic forces are so powerful, and seeing everyone's creativity for how they touched their bodies, was just a treat to witness and to be witnessed. I'm truly so inspired by this training and by the work that I will be doing with folks in the future. The portal that sex is is just so vast and encompassing. Whether you have had sex, have not had sex, sometimes have sex, whatever the case is, there is an erotic being within each and every person, plant, and even in the dirt. It's really all very erotic.

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Fuck the beauty Industrial Complex. Let me just start there! In my childhood, I don't remember many beauty standards imposed on me in the household, but the energy outside the home was overwhelming with messaging, propaganda, and shame based ways to make you feel like you're not enough. Always. In the review, "Body Perceptions and Psychological Well-Being" several authors from Spain discuss the profound influence of societal standards and media portrayals on individual psychological states for youth and its larger impacts. In this article, they elaborate on how social media greatly influences peoples body image and mental health in a variety of nuanced ways. They delve into objectification theory which is how societal practices contribute to the objectification of bodies, particularly those of women, and delineates the profound psychological consequences of such phenomena. They also go on to discuss the impacts.... "This perspective not only alters how individuals perceive themselves but also manifests as a deep-seated societal issue where bodies are predominantly valued for their appearance or sexual appeal rather than their capabilities or individuality." I know that in my experience surviving puberty and being someone socialized as a girl, feeling objectified was a VERY common experience of mine and not exclusive to only me. This experience was deeply felt by many of my friends and peers, as we tried navigating the different societally imposed standards, and when we didn't adhere to them perfectly, shame and anxiety would take over as we were not able to meet these beauty standards. This article also goes on to elaborate another interesting theory, the social compassion theory which "posits that individuals engage in both upward and downward comparisons, assessing themselves against others who they perceive as either superior or inferior in certain attributes, including physical appearance. In the context of body image, the dynamics of social comparison can be particularly impactful" Comparison among youth regarding beauty standards often leads to negative effects, especially for girls. Social media, advertising, and cultural expectations create unrealistic ideals of beauty, encouraging constant self-comparison. This can result in low self-esteem, anxiety, and body image issues. Girls may feel pressured to conform to narrow definitions of attractiveness, which can affect their mental health and overall well-being. These comparisons can also foster unhealthy competition, social isolation, and a sense of inadequacy, making it harder for young women to appreciate their unique qualities and develop a positive self-image. Below is a lil poem I wrote a few years back that echoes this feeling of insecurity that is imposed and then internalized through years of ingesting media. Photo taken by: Diego Rosales (Oaxaca, Mx) Title: Mamas Mirrors Covering up the mirror because I was insecure was an act of love my mama did for me. I’d stare in the mirror, see something new in each look, regretting the extra stare that spewed.. “I'm too tall” "I'm too skinny” "I'm not pretty enough” “I'm too hairy” “Girls shouldn’t be this hairy” “I'm not pretty enough”. Leaving the mirrors and being followed by an exhausted silhouetted figure that was not my own, but mine.  Mama gathered all the sheets she could find, a thick roll of sturdy duct tape, and a stepping stool, making sure to tape all four corners, fastened to perfection. Green and brown tiled bathroom. Earthy tones touched with calming stones at the feet. Accents of mosaic by the bath with jets.  For 14 days, I avoided mirrors. An instructional manual from the maternal manufacturer, clear directions, steering me of that  silhouetted figure.  I can't help but look, mirrors all around these days. I don't mind much, I fix myself up by wrapping my lanky arms around my chest, filling up my front side with warmth that didn’t used to be there. The history of body hair and beauty standards is deeply tied to racism and colonialism. Some of you may be thinking, that seems like a stretch, but it's really not.... Recent studies have showed that more than 99% of women in the United States voluntarily remove or shave their body hair. I know that in my early youth, I would do whatever it took to remove the hair that I felt was unnormal. I was mostly around white people, with blonde hair and when I looked at my own tan body with hair popping up in different places each month, I felt so put down and so othered. I wanted so badly to have blonde hair. To have the hair blend in with my skin and not be so visible, not blend in with the crowd and not be hyper aware of my physical appearance all the time. I remember the first time I shaved, it was in my sisters blue bathroom. Blue tiles and a blue shower, we were in the ocean, and little did I know this would be a significant memory in my hair Journey. We sat on the bath mat, lined with blue stripes, and my sister began to help me shave. Showing me which direction to go in, and how to apply and lather the soap so that you did not hurt or cut yourself in the process. I remember being in awe of the way the razor was able to take off all the hair and create smoothness underneath. When we were finished I was obsessed, I was so smooth and "clean". And although I feel grateful for being supported and guided in this moment, I wonder now why these high value beauty moments have any value at all? Why are these key markers of "growing up" and "becoming a woman"? And how did we get here? Not all hair removal has been historically charted at such high numbers voluntarily. SO many of the ways that we are conditioned and the ways that make us either desirable or undesirable (for the societal standards and normative culture) is due to forced change. Eventually I stopped shaving, but that was after years and years of shaving, and lots and lots of money later. Not to mention the time spent worrying and obsessing over if I got rid of each hair, and feeling the discomfort of the first few days when the hair would grow back in . "Over the course of their lifetime, women will shave 7,718.4 times and spend $10,000 related products." Now that's a big number, of course that's not true for all people, or representative of the whole story, but this statistic just gives us a little bit of insight into how vast the beauty industrial complex is, and how much money they make off of people, primarily femme bodies being insecure and feeling less than..... After I stopped shaving I felt so liberated with the extra time I had in the shower, and the freedom in knowing that when I packed my bag I didn't forget the razor, I just didn't need it. Or, the first time I felt confident wearing a tank top in public and showing my hairy ass armpits like yeah, here I am taking up space with every single hair.... "Yet several studies propose that “the hairlessness norm” imposes distinct new psychological constraints on women and girls, even as other longstanding legal and social restrictions are eased. The overall effect of the norm, social scientists suggest, is to produce feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability, the sense that women’s bodies are problematic “the way they naturally are.” Practices of hair removal, in turn, are said to produce “pre-pubescent-like,” “highly sexualized” bodies, which ultimately “may contribute to the increasing objectification of young girls.” I can say that in the early 2000's growing into my body and my teenhood, meant lots of inner dialogue about how my hair was not okay and that I was inherently dirty. This led me to go down the path of feminization. I wanted to wax my eyebrows, pluck my eyebrows, wax my mustache (that I hated so dearly), shave my legs, shave my stomach hair, shave my arm hair, and to only showcase my eyelashes, and hair on my scalp. So when my hair started falling out in chunks in middle school, you can imagine the fear I felt. One of the only places that was societally accepted to have hair, was failing me! I no longer had dark hair that curled at the end. Every morning when I woke up and looked at my pillow, strands and strands of hair would cover the entire pillow case. This lasted for months, until my mom realized I was allergic to the bullshit chemical ingredients in head and shoulders dandruff shampoo. Once I stopped using it daily on my scalp, my hair started to slowly grow back, but not before I had many low moments questioning my worth and beauty.... It was middle school, I was highly insecure, and everything felt so dramatic, so obviously I was able to heal and feel beautiful again, but this story always leads me to the same place of wanting to send love to that little hairy girl.... For centuries, Western beauty ideals have promoted hairlessness as a sign of femininity, cleanliness, and even social status. These standards were pushed onto women of color, whose natural body hair was often stigmatized or seen as “unfeminine” or “uncivilized.” European colonizers used body hair as a way to “other” and dehumanize people from different cultures, especially those with darker skin. "Late-nineteenth-century medical and scientific experts extended these perceptions of degeneracy, linking hairiness to sexual inversion, disease pathology, lunacy, and criminal violence." They labeled body hair on non-white women as undesirable, reinforcing racist stereotypes and justifying discrimination. This legacy still shows up today in media, advertising, and even in everyday conversations about beauty. Imposing Eurocentric Norms: European colonizers brought strict ideas about femininity and hygiene, equating hairlessness with purity and “civilization.” In contrast, many Indigenous and non-European cultures had different, often more accepting, attitudes toward body hair. Pathologizing Difference: Colonial writings and pseudo-scientific studies often described the natural body hair of colonized peoples as evidence of being “less evolved” or “animalistic.” This dehumanizing language was used to justify colonial rule and the supposed need to “civilize” people. Beauty Industry Expansion: As Western beauty products and practices spread through colonized regions, local populations were pressured to adopt hair removal routines. Advertisements and magazines in the early 20th century, for example, targeted women in colonized countries, promoting razors, depilatory creams, and waxing as modern and desirable. Not to mention skin whitening creams becoming very popular. Assimilation and Social Mobility: In many colonized societies, adopting European grooming standards, including hair removal, became a way for women to access education, jobs, or social acceptance. Not conforming could mean facing discrimination and therefore less employment opportunities. When we say colonialism reshaped intimate, everyday practices like grooming, we’re talking about a deep, lasting impact on how people see themselves and each other. Colonizers didn’t just enforce new laws. they set new standards for what was considered “normal” or “beautiful,” often at the expense of peoples diverse beliefs, traditions, and identities. For women of color, this meant that natural features like body hair, skin tone, and hair texture were suddenly seen as problems to be fixed, rather than celebrated. The pressure to remove body hair wasn’t just about fitting in; it was about survival, acceptance, and sometimes even safety in a society that valued whiteness and Eurocentric beauty above all else. This legacy is still with us. Media, advertising, and even workplace policies often reinforce the idea that hairless, lighter-skinned bodies are the ideal. Women of color who don’t conform can face everything from subtle judgment to outright discrimination. That’s why challenging these standards is so powerful and NECESSARY! Reclaiming agency over your own body and rejecting the idea that you have to erase parts of yourself to be worthy or beautiful is NECESSARY. In short, pushing back against body hair stigma isn’t just a small thing or only a personal act, it’s a political one too. It’s about honoring your heritage, embracing your natural self, and refusing to let outdated, colonial ideas dictate how you should look or feel. And I don't believe that you need to grow out all your body hair to feel liberation or to reclaim your agency, I know lots of people like to remove their body hair for other reasons, some being the physical sensation and feeling on clothes, or for sexual acts etc. But what I am saying is let's analyze ways that we view body hair on ourselves and on other people as either desirable or undesirable, and WHY? I do think that everyone at least once in their life should make a drastic hair change whether that be on your scalp or your body hair, if nothing else just for the sake of exploration and newness, or maybe for the deeper internal analysis of what is beauty for myself? and what remains when i shed the exterior layers that keep me in this version of beauty?? Femmes can be hairy too, an d hair is our body's way of keeping us warm, & of protecting our skin. I identify as a queer femme and yes I am also hairy. My hair is part of me but it is not all of me.

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir When I think about introducing my genitals, I think of basic beginning conversations that are surface level and filled with a lot of "great and goods" even though nobody is great and nobody is good. I think of those first introductory conversations that are overflowing with small talk and lots of words without always deep meaning and care. At least in the U.S the culture around asking someone how they are doing, is moreso out of politeness rather than the deep desire to hear someones honest answer of their emotional wellbeing. So in that cultural context, when someone asks you how you are doing, the typical response is good, and you? Its a quick informal conversation... This is similar to the ways I think people are introducing their genitals to other people. At least for me in my experience, I see the similarities of this small talk how are you conversations, and the ways that genitals are getting to know other genitals. Often times it is quick, informal, and rushed. What does introducing your genitals even mean? Well..... I recently spent a week up in Victoria, B.C Canada for a school intensive. I am currently a student at the Institute for the Study of Somatic Sex Education and for that program we were required to spend a week together in a small group practicing together the exercises for our own personal learning and somatic experiencing. This week was transformative in many ways, and I will write more about that in another post, but one activity particularly stood out to me..... The genitals activity.... This practice invited us to think about the ways that we have interacted with our own genitals as deep parts of our bodies, and the ways that we connect/disconnect with our genitals. For many of us, our genitals are places filled with lots of shame, pain, and embarrassment. Whether this was caused at a younger age with cases of abuse, or at older ages with trauma in interpersonal relationships, we all carry this personal story of our own connection to our genitals with us in our everyday lives. Something one of my fabulous teachers said that I will never forget is, often times we are invited into spaces, but we need to check our genitals at the door, our full selves aren't welcome in the space. This can be due to so many factors, but in general I feel this is due to our deep societal stigma and shame around anything that has to do with genitals. As kids we are taught this is a private place, and at least in my childhood I remember people saying those are your "private parts" instead of saying, that's your vulva, thats your butt. In subtle ways, and not so subtle ways, I was taught to carry shame around with me one vulva at a time...to keep things related to this body part a secret, because it "should" be private. And although it is important to teach kids that their bodies are theirs, I think often times that gets confused with shameful messaging. Using correct terms for our body parts can help people feel empowered, and help children/youth find language to express themselves including their needs, desires, and safet y. Without this language, many people are left feeling unequip in talking to their partners, doctors, and their own selves when issues arise. And not only that, but we should be able to talk to our doctors, our partners, and ourselves about our genitals even when there are no issues, but there is pleasure or curiosity or satisfaction. !We deserve to take up space in our joy! Speaking of taking up space, so about half way into the week long intensive, we were given the option to do a genital show and tell. Same style as a school show and tell except, you don't need to check your genitals at the door, you can bring them with you if you'd like. We were encouraged to participate by either doing, watching, or reflecting on our own separate time. A part of me was very nervous.... this surprised me as I am usually the naked one in my communities and circles, constantly taking my top off at beaches and constantly walking around naked in homes. But I was.. I was nervous to take up that space for 3 whole minutes talking about my genitals. We were encouraged to tell the students the names we like to use for our genitals, the pronouns, the areas of our genitals that we touch, that we don't touch, that we want to explore, our connection to our body hair, and any information that feels important and that we want to bring into the space. We got to sit up on a massage table in front of the group and talk for a whole 3 minutes. When it was my turn to go, I felt my heart beating, my chest thumping, and my breathing becoming faster and louder. I knew I was on my edge, but wanted to dive in and do the scary thing, so I brought my genitals to the table with me and said hello. "My name is Tamar, and these are my genitals!" I expressed that the word I normally use is Vulva and that I'm cool with any pronouns for my vulva, but typically refer to this place with she/her. I began to speak and just let the words slide out of me. I spread open my legs to the class, to the students and to the teachers and showed them a part of me, a big part of me. During this week I also had an active UTI so I brought that experience of owning this body with me to the show and tell. I expressed my dance with pain and pleasure in my life as a curious girl having lots of sex at a young age, getting herpes at 18 and feeling extremely disconnected from my body and dirty. I expressed the physical and emotional pain that came with that diagnosis at a young age, and the balance of immense pleasure I have found in being curious, doing research, seeking out experiences for learning, and going on this path of sex education. It was genuinely such a beautiful experience to be up there, having so many eyes on me, and not in a investigative way, not in a fetishizing way, not in a negative intrusive light, but in a supportive loving space. This is and was truly a treat. It is also so counternormative to be up there babbling from the heart, well from the genitals to a group of 15 people. But not only was my sharing powerful, it was equally as important and profound to be sitting on the floor and witnessing other peoples sharing. The diverse body parts, the diverse stories, and the diverse histories that led us all to that table, and to that space. The histories that have led us to where we are now, with our physical bodies and genitals, and also with our emotional bodies and memories. I shed so many tears, watching people talk about their genitals and really feeling into their stories. There are so many words we can choose to use for our body parts that feel affirming, feel sexy, and grounding. And there are some that feel like the opposite, that make your body curl up, that make you dissociate etc. I know now what it feels like to speak from a vulnerable place, open up my legs and talk! Because of this new experience of mine, I wanted to write about its impact here, as a way to honor that special moment.. And it's making me really think... WHY ARE WE NOT DOING MORE GENITAL SHOW AND TELLS? (with consent of course) Below I will include some food for thought questions that I want to share as a way to honor this practice and continue this inquiry of a deeper connection with my body / other peoples bodies. what names do you call your genitals? what names have other people called your genitals? what names could /would you invent for your genitals? what pronouns do your genitals use? how do you feel about your genitals today and in this moment? what areas of your genitals have you touched? what areas have you not touched/don't typically touch? where are you curious about exploring/learning more? where do you find the most pleasure? where do you find the most pain? how do you feel about your hair/ no hair? what's your preference and how come? reflect on your journey of having genitals, what has changed for you? what remains the same /stagnant? what would you tell your genitals as an act of love? what would you have wanted to hear about your genitals growing up/ in your youth? So......who wants to host a genitals show and tell? XOXO

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir I've worked in many schools, in many educational spaces, and with LOTS of kids, so many it's hard to count. I started watching kids in high school as a way to make money, in a small town, and create some independence. I worked with family friends, and people in my community. As someone who studied Sociology and Education in college, I find passion in understanding systems and society at large. Unpacking and Understanding, while questioning and learning.... How and Why? Who and When? To me, these details are important as they shape the narratives we hold deep in our core and in the bones beneath our skin...... Image Created by : Diego Rosales I loveeeeee children and their capacities for pleasure. If they don't want to do something, if it doesn't feel good they don't do it. Their ability to say NOOO and to yell it loud and clear into your face is truly impressive. Their creativity in seeking experiences that are fun and full of play are important not only as they discover the world and develop into themselves, but also as teachers for us rigid binary adults. I like to think of myself as someone who accepts fluidity and nuance, but deep within me there are containers filled with my shadows. Containers filled with binary ways of thinking, believing, feelings, and being. The entrenched beliefs of good and bad, black, and white, evil and pure, boy and girl, strong and weak, young and old, beautiful and ugly. There are too many to name, but they live inside me rent free... So What's the point bitch? When we are surrounded by these mass messages of what it means to be a good person or a girl in society, they become deeply planted seeds in our soul. As I continue learning every single day to drop the assumptions and open up to the curiosity of listening and the unknown, I am presented with lots of opportunities and exercises in this expansion. With my 4 year old nephew, we are constantly weaving play into our every moment. And in that play comes the scripts and narratives of the world around us. He told me the other day that all of his teachers are girls. I asked him how he knew that if he never asked them about what they feel about themselves. This is just one small example of how we learn as children, gender in the millions of ways and interactions in the everyday.. When we play, I try to always include options, and choices. This creates agency and exploration for him. I asked him if he wanted to wear one of my dresses, and he loved it so much, playing and creating this whole show of excitement and characters that he took the dress home to borrow it. It was very big on him, but with some easy rubber bands we were able to make it fit. Later that week we went to the apple festival and of course dressed up as green and red apples. This little dress he borrowed was red, and so it made its way into the outfit we created for the occasion. I can't tell you how many people assumed his gender that day, and commented on it in little ways. I felt very protective towards him, ready to defend his gender expression and playfulness to whoever was judging him. Luckily, I didn't have to get into any deep dialogue that day, but what did emerge from this was his desire for his own dresses. He loved the way it felt on his skin, so flowy and comfortable. So much easier to put on than pants and a shirt. So perfect for the summer!!! So later that week we went to the local thrift store and found the cutest pink dress in his size. There were no other options that day so that's the one we bought him, but I made it clear that if he wanted more in the future, he could vocalize that and we could explore it together! Since then he has worn his cute lil pink dress many times, with excitement and energy, throwing it on easily and admiring the feel on his body. He is too young to know what the word gender means, but he is not too young to know what gender feels like in his body and what people have to say about his body/actions. Children are deep absorbers, deep lookers and investigators. If you've ever been around them for more than a few hours, you'll know what I'm saying when I say that the endless questions of why are plentiful. Why this? Why that? What's that? As they make sense of the world, they are looking for answers to their vast questions, and most of the time, I don't know is sufficient because how much do we really know??? But.... What I see far too often is adults projecting their own gendered beliefs. And they get so deeply planted that they live within us for a long time. A few ways this has showed up for me in my life in small but impactful ways are..... -judging myself for being too vocal or opinionated and not "passive or quiet" - thinking i need to be feminine to be considered desirable or receive attention. -thinking and believing i am not good at sports/physical activity -seeing women serve men and accepting this reality -seeing aggressive women as a threat rather than a forceful presence -valuing my early sexual experiences if the man was happy / validating of my role -seeing my body hair as an innate fault of my being -being highly sexualzied as a young teen girl -being judged vocally about my physical appearance by older women and men -feeling uncomfortable in initiating sexy stuff/sex THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON .... and before I move on let's take a breather and fill in the blank of a few examples you witness/witnessed in your life. Accepting nuance and multidimensionality is ESSENTIAL I reflect on my life, and the great amounts of privilege and tenderness I have had in my experiences in my youth, childhood, and those that continue into adulthood. Key memories include, but are not limited to: -my dad buying me pads/tampons when I started my period -being accepted wholeheartedly for my queerness as a 22 year old "coming out" -having an open home that I could invite friends to be in a safe place together -access to books that taught me a lot about budding bodies -an older sister and brother who showed me in their own ways, love & tenderness in their care for me -receiving a college education that was incredible, at UC Santa Cruz -empathetic family and friends towards my herpes positive status -sister buying me my first vibrator and strap on in college -mom buying me another vibrator after that -family not shaming me for my abortion last year, but being there for me -my current partner who supported me through that abortion ^ -family letting my queer love and I live in the family home for a year -family accepting my polyamorous relationship style even if they don't fully understand it -my family home being a safe place for my community and I to come to -my able bodied ability to move in the world with ease and access traveling to many many new places -family supporting me in my sex educator journey (now) While I am mentioning the positive and immensely transformative moments above because I feel it's necessary to acknowledge and name those, I hold pain and shadows within me too. That's the multidimensionality of existing . The lies of the binary tell you there are limits to your feelings and experiences, but my existence and pleasure unfolds like wildflowers in silly places, and contains multitudes of flavors..... So, all of this to say, the younger generation, starting with their first years, up to their teenage and to their adulthood, receive and integrate gendered experiences. THIS connects to sex ed in the essential framework. By now, we should all know that sex ed is more than just how to not get pregnant, and all the dangers of sex. But, about the ways we connect with our bodies in all its changes and forms, and the ways we connect with other bodies in their forms and changes...... On Raising Unicorns , Colleen Vesely talks about her experience raising gender expansive children, and provides amazing resources for navigating a gender binary world with your family, kids, and community. After taking the quiz, this is my play archetype. There are countless studies that showcase how play for children is SO impactful to their overall wellbeing in many realms, but what is also really fascinating to me is how play is enacted in the lives of adults as well..... Being playful and accessing that resource within our being is very hard for many adults. Often, the fear of being embarrassed, or something being too silly, too weird, too loud stops us from getting into this limitless space of play. There is hesitation, and fear. For some it is easier to access, maybe personality wise or work wise, for whatever the reason, the ability to enter into that realm is easier. But for many adults, entering into that space feels hard, really hard... The National Institute for Play , discusses and highlights how rediscovering play has sooo many vast benefits to our overall health, not limited to the physical, but also the emotional, spiritual, cognitive and mental. They include a very powerful sentence that states, " Rediscovering play is about more than adding leisure to life; it’s about unlocking potential, building resilience, and fostering connection. As Dr. Brown eloquently states, “The opposite of play is not work—it’s depression.” By prioritizing play, adults can lead more balanced, joyful, and meaningful lives. So, start small. Reflect on what made you happiest as a child or ask loved ones what they’ve seen you enjoy most. Embrace play not as a luxury but as a necessity and watch as it transforms your outlook on life. " They also include a short little quiz for those who are wanting to explore play and need some guidance into how they should begin this journey. I discovered that my archetype and play personality is the "Storyteller", which was not surprising to me as I know I am an avid lover of weaving and creating stories out of life, part of the reason I love writing this blog DUH, but a confirmation of that essence within me is special to receive!!! Play is fundamental in the way we relate to children, youth, and adults in our journey towards more openness with our gender expression. This work of unlearning is not only for queer people, the gender binary does not benefit you if you are straight either.....This is for everyone who exists, who has been socialized by society and shaped by those around you. This is for everyone, because the gender binary limits our creativity, our playfulness, our ability to access many parts of ourselves and exist in many flavors. If you've gotten this far and still don't believe all this, at one point or another, you will realize that this affects you too... And that you can play with your body, its changes, and its multidimensionality. xoxo Trust! XOXO

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir CONDOMS <3 CONDOMS <3 CONDOMS <3 Some people love them, some people hate them, but condoms are truly a beautiful safe(r) sex item and creation. Animal Membrane, used as a barrier... Condoms are a popular and effective choice for contraception and protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). However, despite their widespread use, many people do not fully understand the consequences of using an expired condom. Knowing what happens when a condom expires is essential for maintaining sexual health and safety. And knowing how you show up as a sexually active person, or an ally for your buddies who are, is essential as a way being a sex positive baddie. What is a Condom? A condom is a barrier device, typically made from latex, polyurethane, or polyisoprene. It is designed to prevent pregnancy and reduce the risk of STIs during sexual intercourse. By covering the penis or lining the vagina, condoms create a physical barrier that keeps sperm from entering the reproductive system and from fluids exchanging. Additionally, they are also the only form of contraception that protects against STIs. Condoms come in various sizes, thicknesses, textures, and even flavors, making them suitable for different preferences. Options include external condoms, which are worn on the penis, and internal condoms, which are designed to be placed inside the vagina. Condoms are amazing, not only are they very effective, but once you learn the proper way to use a condom, it is easy to bring with you wherever you go... Put it in your bag, in your suitcase, in your work, in your school bag, you can literally take it with you anywhere! There have been countless studies that suggest that programs and availability to condoms, have a significant result in lower pregnancy rates. This is not only foundational for the way we approach sexual health and autonomy of our lives/bodies, but transformational when we think about pleasure as a larger liberatory concept...... According to Planned Parenthood , when condoms are used perfectly they are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy and STI's. But..... they acknowledge that most people are not perfect, and their use of condoms aren't either. In that case, they are 87% effective. To me, this transparent information and approach is what I look for when I discuss sexual health and intimacy, as there is always nuance even within statistics and peoples experiences. Sex always has risks, wether the risk is emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, or a little bit of a lot of things, using your body like running or learning a new body based activity, there is a risk of hurting your body or feeling something..... An article written by Emily Blackwood , adresses how within the umbrella of sexy actions, there are certain spicy sexy things you can do that would be considered in the safe sex as there is no fluid exchange or risk of pregnancy. But to me, I think safer sex in general encompasses even sexual acts that technically have no risk of pregnancy or STI's because there is still the emotional risk involved that can look and feel very different for each person. For example, for someone wanting to engage in a safe sex option, they might try dry humping. Its all fun and flirty, but then they realize they need more of a romantic energy with their sexual partner. And the other partner wants just a lilttle dry humping action and to go back to their work flow. Then there is a miscommunication, hurt, and the person thinking they were engaging in safe sex now has had an experience with sex that is more complicated than initially expected..... I could think of a million examples, but the point is that being intentional is always necessary as we embark on what it means for us to engage in safer sex. And our needs from a sexual partner in order to make a sexual scene feel safer is uniquely specific to each person and their lived experiences and identities. Understanding Expiration Dates Every condom package displays an expiration date, usually printed on the box or wrapper. When I first learned this, I thought like many canned foods with an expiration date, that this was fluid and that it really meant you could still consume this for a while longer.... If any of ya'll know me, you know that I am one to keep things well past the expiration date, as this was the vibe in my house, and will continue to be the vibe.... BUT expiration dates for condoms are important!!! This date indicates the end of the manufacturer's recommended use period during which the condom is expected to work effectively. Using a condom beyond its expiration date can have serious implications. ..... What Happens to a Condom After It Expires? Once condoms reach their expiration date, their materials begin to break down, leading to a reduction in strength and elasticity. Its like anything that is old, when you try to stretch it, the material can snap much easier... Material Degradation Latex, the primary material used in many condoms, deteriorates over time, especially when exposed to heat, humidity, and sunlight. For instance, storing condoms at high temperatures can significantly shorten their lifespan. If you want to carry around condoms, its best to make sure you don't leave them in a sunny place for very long or extended amounts of time. The sun is a powerful thing, and can fade the colors in your clothes, or alter the condoms in your purse..... Even the best-stored condoms may lose effectiveness once the expiration date has passed. Expired condoms are not just less reliable; they can also increase the odds of unintended pregnancies and STI transmission The Role of Lubrication Many condoms are made with added lubricants to enhance comfort during use. However, when a condom is expired, the lubrication can also be affected. The lubricant may dry out, leading to discomfort or increased likelihood of breakage during intercourse. Before using a condom, always check its lubricated state, especially if it is near or past its expiration date and if a condom looks weird, trust your intuition and open up another one! I love lube, it's such a great and supportive friend. There for you when you need, an ally for those hard moments, and joyful ones. Condom Usage and Sexy Vibes Within the world of dating and sex, there is still lots of confusion and feelings around condoms. Whatever genitals you have, in my belief being someone who prioritizes the pleasure and collaborative decisions is important.... What this means is that for me, bringing condoms in your bag for a first date is not slutty, it is not presumptuous or disrespectful. It is being a prepared sex positive person that is just carrying items in their fucking bag! Whether or not you are planning on having sex, or intentionally seeking that out, we all know spontaneity can happen, and it is better to be prepared for either yourself or someone with you than stressed in the moment. If you don't know how to put on an external condom because you are someone with a vagina, there are lots of videos online you can watch, or if you are engaging with someone who has a penis, you can ask them to show you. And vice versa. It's a good skill to have. If you and your partner choose to not use condoms or any protective barriers, it's all good, as long as you have deeply discussed and processed the key aspects of this decision and the implications. Questions for Clarification and Deep Pondering: Are you monogamous, or are they having some kind of sexy time with other people? Are you assuming they are monog with you or have you discussed the parameters of sex within your relationship? If they are having sex with other people, what is your agreement around barriers and condom use? How often are ya'll getting tested for STI's? Do you have access to Plan B or the morning after pill if that is of risk for your body? Or is your access to this contraceptive challenging? Do you already have a complex history with condoms/barriers with past relationships. Does your partner? If you have a body that can get pregnant, do you accept that this is a possible risk for you and your partner/s to deal with in the future? What are some strengths you both bring if that does occur? If your body is one that ovulates, do you know when you are ovulating, do you know how to check for your body's changes ? Does your partner know how to ? What other questions can you think of? These are all important because as much as we think sex or a condom can be simple, it's often not and contains more layers than a lasagna. It contains the layers of pleasure and pain, of joy and suffering, of a multitude of experiences and flavors.... Signs of an Expired Condom While checking the expiration date is essential, it is also crucial to examine the physical condition of the condom before use. Here are signs that indicate a condom might be expired or unsafe to use: Color Changes : A discolored latex or chalky texture means it’s time to throw it away. Brittleness : If bending the condom causes it to crack or feel brittle, do not use it. Unusual Odor : A bad smell is often a sign of degradation; it’s best to discard it. Tears or Weakness : Inspect for any visible tears or weak spots. A quick check can save you from unexpected problems. Condoms play a crucial role in sexual health by providing protection against unintended pregnancies and STIs. Understanding what happens when a condom expires is key to ensuring safe practices. Using an expired condom can lead to compromised material, including brittleness and loss of effectiveness. By carefully checking expiration dates, storing condoms properly, and performing visual inspections before use, you can maintain effective protection. Staying informed about your sexual health products leads to safer experiences. Prioritize your sexual health by being aware of the condition of the products you use. After all, taking preventive measures is always better than dealing with possible consequences later. The Condom Fairy CONDOM RECS: ONE condoms the great thing about these ones is that they have a sizing kit with so many diverse sizing options, you can get such a custom fit for more pleasure and personalized fit! LOLA condoms the great things about these ones is that they do not contain spermicide which is a common ingredient in condoms. Some people are allergic and have irritation to spermicide, so this is an amazing more natural option. Kimono condoms the really nice thing about these is that they are very thin, there are a few options in terms of different sizes but what remains consistent is how thin they are which is great for people who feel that the condom prevents them from experiencing pleasure/sensation. And honestly, any place that gives out free condoms is my recommendation. Find your local sexual health clinic, hospital, planned parenthood, or sexuality organization. Most give out plenty of condoms, and you can come back very frequently. It's always good to have more than less, and always a great gift to give even if someone is not sexually active, someone they know is.....

Written by: Tamar Simone Weir For whatever reason, people are having less sex today, now.. than ever before. When I first learned this I was surprised by this information. Really surprised... When I repeat this to others, people are shocked and in disbelief as well. With all the increased awareness in the vastness of sexuality and the emerging fields of sexual health, coaching, pleasure, and healing, it seems odd that the numbers would show a decrease rather than an increase in sexual activity.... There are many ads & visual stimulus around us that convey sexual messaging, especially in movies and in the hollywood industry. I know from my own experience, that as a teenager, sex for me was about exploration and curiosity, but also discovering the harsh objectification of my body by others, and my own complicity in this dynamic. As a young teen, it felt good to receive attention by others, as this was my proof that I was desirable in this society, and that my growing up was seen by others. I received a lot of unwanted attention, and I also was interested in the risk of playing with this attention, and therefore my "desirability". I would put myself in situations to see what would happen. Challenging the lines, and the narratives around me. And I was validated by these lil boys saying sexualized comments about me, and then crushed when it was the opposite. I remember hearing many times that I was the "ugly one" in the group of my middle school friends. At the time this hurt me a lot, as I was so hyper fixated on being beautiful and adhering to the beauty norms of the beauty standards of the time. My self esteem, even though it was my own, didn't feel like my own, as the context outside of myself was fueled by sexism and gendered roles all around. All of our experiences in our youth and adolescence is deeply woven into the fabric of our sexual attitudes, feelings, and beliefs. About ourselves, like our self esteem, and about others, our biases and relationships to other people. Enjoy this lil graphic I made for my instagram page @pomegranatepleasure, give me a follow:) I'm definitely having less sex than I was back in the day. There are many reasons for this change within me. This is partly due to the fact that I am more aware of how my body is feeling and how I am feeling emotionally, so I am less likely to engage in any sexy time if I don't have the desire within myself or feel comfortable in that moment. A real reason why I am also not engaging in as much sex is because I am more conscious of all the layers, symbolism, and components that go into a sexy exchange/dynamic. I am more aware of the different desire spectrums, the emotional aspect of this intimate exchange, peoples complicated and deep relationships to their bodies and other peoples bodies, more open about pleasure as something that is expansive rather than a universal limiting box. Another reason I think my sex life has gone down in frequency, is that I am not living with the idea that "more sex is better" I am living with the idea that quality is more nourishing than quantity. Back in the day, that was the opposite for me. I wanted to collect as many sexual experiences as I could, write them down in my diary, talk about them with friends, cry, laugh, and use my body for exploration. BUT what was missing was this internal knowing of my own compass, that I now feel inside of me.. This compass helps me to discern whether I really need or want to be in a sexy situation, and that saying yes is not always the best choice for me. I'm so thrilled with my younger self that said yes to everything, that is why I am here now, as a sexy educator/coach, because of that sassy girl who said yes to life, lust, and sex. The National Survey for Sexual Health and Behavior used data from their studies in 2009 and 2018, which was conducted online for participants aged 14-49 years old. In their findings, they collected data from 4,155 participants for 2009, and 4,547 for the 2018 study. The great thing about this study is they included questions about sex that included diversity of activities, including penile penetration, but also solo masturbation, partnered masturbation and oral sex. This opens up the conversation quite a bit, as previous studies asked questions that only pertained to penis in the vagina, penetrative sex, which is quite limiting and only provides certain results in the analysis. The researchers found that, in the 2018 study, participants were having less sex than in the 2009 study. This study found an overall decrease in sexual activity for the participants, and the common hypothesis of aging and the decrease in sexual desire is not relevant here as the population did not exceed the age of 49...... For both adolescents and adults in the study, they found decreases in partnered sex of all kinds, and for the young adults and adolescence a decrease in their solo masturbation practices. There are many potential reasons for why we see an overall decline. In the Scientific American, " People Have Been Having Less Sex—whether They’re Teenagers or 40-Somethings" the authors discuss how social media and gaming plays a big role in the decline that we see from 2009 to 2018. They notice that without the heavy presence of constant online interactions from new entertainment streaming movies, or online games, social media trends and much more, there is constantly something to plug into instead of participating in sexy time... This makes a lot of sense when you think about how much time we as a collective society spend scrolling on our phones, talking to people, messaging, watching videos, I mean the list goes on and on. There is always something to do on the devices, and with access to more and more 24/7 there is no end. People are definitely spending much more time on their screens, and less time with people, 1 on 1. I know that while I deeply value quality time with the people I love and my lovers, my phone gives me the alert of how many hours I was on my screen that day and it is always a lot higher than I expect or want.... The authors also bring up the fact that we see lots of changes and people processing the effects that COVID has had in their lives directly and in the lives of their community. Many people suffer from long term effects whether it be physical, emotional, or communal in the aftermath of the global pandemic, and this is affecting their relationships, and therefore also their sex life..... We also see the authors discussing how the conversations around consent ahve become more widespread and frequent which could possibly have led to people being more conscious and aware. WE LOVE THAT. The more people are aware of boundaries, limits, and abuse, the more we can analyze and identify how these power imbalances are created and shift the narratives of abuse/coercion. Rape culture is widespread, it is living and it is continuing, and so is the dismissal of people stories of discomfort, not feeling safe, and so many forms of abuse on this spectrum of consent. But, the authors claim that this generation is understanding the complexities of consent in a deeper way than in the previous generation which makes people more cautious about beginning sexual relationships, approaching people, or initiating something sexual. I can speak to this observation even within my own life in the last 5, or 10 years... I am much more aware and deeply in the knowing of the vast spectrum of desire, attraction, and consent that is necessary. I don't always have the answers or know what to do/ how I am feeling in a sexual scenario, but I do know that I create conversations for deeper listening and understanding. I am less likely to just go ahead and kiss someone, or go ahead and touch someone's body without there being a clear moment of communication or established dynamic. Another interesting point that Herbenick highlighted was that this decline could also be due to the economic hardships and lack of economic opportunities that people have in this generation. The cost of living and surviving is increasing, and long gone are the days of being able to afford a home for your family or yourself with a teaching salary.... More and more people are living with their families and cannot afford a lifestyle that allows them this freedom of going on lots of dates or pursuing these relationships with the same intensity. As someone who is living with my family in order to rethink my life, and to focus on my studies, I can confidently say it is a privilege to be able to come back to my family's home and feel safe, feel space to breathe amidst the chaos and destruction of the world. AND yes, in these economic times like going out and dating, spending all this money on the dating lifestyle while also trying to focus on yourself is hard. Me being erotic with this tree, but was it sex? We cannot say it is one thing that is the "reason" for this decline that we see consistent in this study, but what we can say is that there are various possibilities and hypothesis, all being possibly true and real.. My opinion on this debate that we see circulating more and more is that people should do what their bodies and soul tell them to do. If you are feeling internal and do not want to engage with people in a sexual way then don't. If you are feeling desire to be touched and to be held, to share that space with someone/people then go for. it. If you are curious and don't know where to start maybe try making a list and surprising yourself with what gets put on the page. What truly matters is how you feel about wether or not you are or aren't having sex. There are countless reasons as to why you as a person or me as a person could be not having sex right in this moment... and we can get real creative with it. Some reasons why I haven't had sex in a while are: -living in a small town -hard to find other queer people to bang -i go to sleep early/don't go out much -not investing my time in dating at the moment -have a few long distance lovers I don't get to see too often -live with my family Some reasons why I have had sex in the past: -ovulating and wanting to feel good -genuinely like a person and want to explore their body -it feels good -have free time -makes me feel alive -makes me feel like I am getting to know myself more Please enjoy this beautiful edit that my partner Diego made for me<3 I will end this exploration with the famous and fabulous quote of the queen Ester Perel, "Sex is not a thing you do, it's a place that you go"